I'll just get up and try again..............

Today has been one of those days that was fun and had lots of good things in like going to Ikea and buying some things we needed for the house, and buying Adam a chair for his hiding spot in the pantry so he feels he has somewhere to go when he needs a bit of a breather. And we had Chinese food for tea in honour of Chinese New Year, and fortune cookies which the children loved, especially the one that said "The important thing to remember about children, is that there are none so wonderful as your own". We watched Harry Potter 4, and Jessica has decided that she loves Harry Potter films, the same as she became obsessed with Narnia. I think it may partly be to do with the soundtracks possibly, the enchanting drawing in quality of it all?

But it was also one of those days where, again, homework became a battle that will never be won, and indeed I'm not really sure what counts as winning anymore, or who the winner in the situation would be. And where once the children had gone to bed I realised that I still had an immense amount of housework and laundry and pack lunch making and fridge cleaning and shopping list making and general tidying to do. And I was emotionally and physically tired, and I could hear Jessica coughing and just know I will be up again tonight. One of those evenings when you just really don't have all the answers and wonder why all the other parents seem to have them, why they don't seem to be having a child stressed out and in tears because they can't do their homework and they don't get reward stickers in their planner anymore and they're on the bottom table for maths and they never have time to change their reading book and they don't understand what's changed.........................I don't think having the first week of school in January off with a new teacher really helped my little 8 year old bundle of pure raw stress.....................................................

So, I am going to bed. I am going to leave the house, because even though I promised Adam we would keep it tidy from now on, sometimes, Mum's aren't perfect. Sometimes, we just need a night off. And it will come back to bite me tomorrow, but I'm tired, and cry-ey, and really unsure what to do about this newest challenge in the "Things they didn't tell you about parenting" book of life, and I think tomorrow me and Jessica might just have to put some loud music on and have a race to clean the house. Or something like that. It's not the greatest week for me to have a meltdown, since Adam is not sleeping at my mum's tomorrow and neither of them are sleeping at their Dad's on Thursday, but then again they are away all weekend so at least I can have a major rest and clean up then................well, not at the same time, but still 2 days with no children is an ocean of time in my life, so much can be done, including sleep! I will have to miss band practice this week, but this can not be helped, and although I have promised to go in this blog, having my children is an allowable exception. And maybe this week is a good time to have a break, last week, I seemed to see ghosts of the past every time I looked up, and even though I could play this Sunday as the children won't be with me, something in my head just stops me, there's a block there. I think, I am scared, of reminders and memories coming knocking through my walls. I would like to layer new memories on top of the old ones, like a layer of varnish that prevents them coming through, but I'm scared that trying to do so will revive and re-awaken them. And it's not somewhere I wish to go. I think this needs some more pondering on, before I make a decision.

So, I have decided, it is bed time. Everything, including making packed lunches, can wait until tomorrow. Jam sandwiches shall be the order of the day and I refuse to feel bad, after all it is St Dalfour no sugar or nasty chemical jam, after all ;) And I found this song. I like this song. It is a good song to end the day on, for tomorrow is a new day, and I shall start again. Don't skip listening to the song today, it's an important one x.

This one's for you..................

This is another funny one. A good time to be ill? The children timed it perfectly with their chickenpox, after I'd finished work, after the Christmas festivities, and whilst they had lots of new toys to play with whilst stuck at home. The weather was rubbish and despite the itching and lack of sleep it was nice to have some family "time-in". Now, it appears I am ill, and it is also a good time. I suddenly developed a bone-aching cough at around midnight last night (or this morning, depending on your take on the matter), and didn't get back to sleep until after 5am. I didn't even doze as I sat on the computer playing Japanese number puzzles to try and take my mind off the fact I was unable to even breath without it being followed by a bone-aching coughing fit. My shoulders, arms and wrists ache every time I get one of these coughs, I'm not really sure on the reason but just put it down to my weak wrists and imagine I will most likely get arthritis of some description when I'm older. Ah well, there are worse things in life, or so I'm told anyway :P

But it is a good time for this. This week I have really kept up with my own personal take on the FlyLady routines, and my house is gorgeously clean and homely, a lovely place to curl up and watch TV in whilst I get better. I couldn't really have timed it better. I do have the children back at 5.30pm, but I also have James coming over after work and to stay all Sunday too, so all will be good. Have been offered a lift to the Army on Sunday morning as well, so feeling very settled right now. Things appear to be falling into place rather well. I guess, when you take the bull by the horns and decide it is the right time, then the right time comes along. 

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die,

A time to plant and a time to uproot

A time to kill and a time to heal,

A time to tear down and a time to build

A time to weep and a time to laugh

A time to mourn and a time to dance

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

A time to embrace and a time to refrain

A time to search and a time to give up,

A time to keep and a time to throw away

A time to tear and a time to mend,

A time to be silent and a time to speak

A time to love and a time to hate,

A time for war and a time for peace.

I'm not feeling overly great, and appear to have completely forgotten how to move photos from my blackberry to here. I will ask James to re-teach me, and will be back very soon with pics from this new time in my family - of leaf piles, buns, nail varnish and the re-emergence of Adam's World War II obsession :D

I'll leave you with this.......................it's stuck in my head, and it's not really aimed at a particular person, I think rather just the whole of my life and the people and places in it right now..........................I chose this version more because the video is more "me" than the Elton John one, usually I would go for the original but the images in this sum up much of what are really the best times in life.....................just to be.

"These Are The Days So Wake Up 'Cos This Is The Time...."

"......And You Know I'm Right"






And so it begins, a new phase of time. Now, I must make a point, that I am not one of those annoying "New Year, New Me" types, who make loads of resolutions and then breaks them in a week.  I don't really do resolutions. For me, this is a new phase because I have stopped working and am staying at home, because I am approaching the "met a year ago" mark with James, and it just so happens that this coincides with a new year. If it was May, it would still be a new phase of time for me.

So, I have shifted my List of the Year around a bit. Deleted some things that I'd either achieved or have realised are no longer important. Have edited some things that I want to change the focus of. Have added some new things that I'd like to try and work on. You may notice a subtle shift in priorities, towards a mellower, more  chilled out existence, focused on home life and the smaller more important things in life, such as crafting and gardening and playing and reading and just basically enjoying life, unrefined basic life, with all the fancy bits stripped away.

It's going to be rather an exciting fun year. There's a couple of weddings, probably more to be planned for 2013/4 with the recent engagements that have been announced, lots of babies to be born to some really lovely Mummy's, and a few other plans afoot to make it a year to look forward, a year of change, but positive gentle natural moving forward change, rather than forceful take the wind out of your sails change. I am rather organised, having bought Jessica's birthday presents in a rather amazing sale, and have actually managed to find a decent hiding place for them :O


It's all looking good, and going well, for some reason I feel rather quiet, rather thinkative, I don't think I'm feeling foreboding, I'm genuinely happy and positive about the near (and far) future. Maybe it's just because I can be quiet, I have time to be quiet, without too many thoughts of work and study and childcare arrangements crowding in on the already busy thoughts of children and family and house and bills and school and friends and life in general. After only one week of not being at work, I really am not sure how I managed to fit it in. Of course, this could have something to do with both children waking up with chicken pox on New Years Day. Picture the scene, getting Jessica dressed, lift up her tshirt and "Oh." Shout up the stairs "James, Jessica has chicken pox again!". Mention on facebook that Jessica has chicken pox again. Five minutes later, Adam says he has a spot on his stomach. Lift up his pj top to reveal a back covered in spots. Shout up the stairs "James, Adam has chicken pox too.......again.........this is the THIRD time!!". James decides he'd best get out of bed at this point....................Mention on facebook that Adam now also has chicken pox. Have a comment that only my children could get chicken pox more than once or twice :P
So. A week stuck in the house. An extended school holiday for Adam. But strangely, it was fine. I wouldn't exactly say I was glad they had chicken pox or enjoyed them being ill, but what I did actually quite like was that I managed it well, I didn't have to worry about being off work or losing money, I didn't have to feel guilty about leaving them with other people, and my frame of mind in general just got on with it and it was fine, even the sleepless nights were dealt with without too much stress.

So, bizarrely, a severe bout of chicken pox has actually made this new phase of time begin with a good positive start. If I can handle that and still remain happy and settled, then really, that has to be a good sign.

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want"

Ben Stein (American Actor, Lawyer, Writer, b.1944)

"Smile with the rising sun......"

"Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah"
Tis nearly the new year of 2012 people!! And I think, the time has come, to make it a good one.

"We weren't born to follow, come on and get up off your knees, when life is a bitter pill to swallow, you gotta hold on up to what you believe...Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow, and that your saints and sinners bleed, we weren't born to follow, you gotta stand up for what you believe"

For who else can make it a good one for us? We hold our own lives in our hands, and those of our children, and whilst many factors influence what happens, the ultimate decisions are down to us. For some of us, we may believe our lives are in God's hands, but personally for me it still all comes down to your own choices, God can only guide, not do for you.

I personally feel, that the next year, and many more to come, will be good ones. Because I, as a person, am stronger, and happier, and more able to not only support my own decisions, but also support my friends in making theirs. If we all help each other, then we stand strong - it is easy to knock down a few bricks, but a whole wall cemented together? That is pretty damn hard to do. So this year, if you want it to be a good one, if like me you are fed up of the bad ones, then stand together with your friends, your family, and control your own destiny. And then, whatever the year throws at you, it can never get through to your inner core, and that is what makes you you.

OH, AND, I have a camera again!!! And a netbook!!! So I can become more ever-present again in all your lives, and re-do my blog for the upcoming year, and you have to admit that will surely make the year more amazingly wonderful that it is already going to be ;)

Finding the Christmas Spirit......

It is my birthday tomorrow - I will be 29, shocking ;) - and then 2 sleeps until Christmas Day, and finally, finally, I am feeling Christmassy!!!

I don't know where this Christmas Spirit came from, or how it jumped upon me so unexpectedly,  but I am willing to overlook it's sneakiness and embrace it ;)

Maybe, maybe it's because I met a good friend for a coffee and saw her beautiful engagement ring and am so so so happy for her, and Adam said she will look like a princess on her wedding day because she is beautiful, awwww. 

Or maybe, it's because yesterday, a friend who I have only recently become properly back in contact with, was so kind to bring me milk and juice so I didn't have to break my promise to Adam about not leaving the house all day.

Or maybe, it's because another friend is being so kind as to take me shopping for my Christmas food tonight so that I don't have to get a bus or taxi, and another friend also offered to take me if my original plans fell through.

Or maybe, it's just because, just because of all of these things, these people, these friends.

This is from one of my favourite Christmas films, Nativity! A film about seeing the best in people, about following your heart, and about forgiveness and seeing the real meaning behind all of the glam and glitz of Christmas. About loving, and helping, and just seeing what life can be, if we can only make it so. Yes, do you know, this year has been hard, for so many people I know. But I think, we are all pulling ourselves out of it, and definitely for me it has only strengthened the ties I have with many people, deepened true friendships, and made me appreciate the "real" things in life.

When I originally started this blog, none of my aims for the year were to be rich, to own lots of things, or to do anything massively ludicrously expensive. Not because I was being sensible, but because I was being truthful and open, because mostly, it's the "real" things in life that make us happy. The people we share our lives with, the times we spend with them, and the ways in which we enrich our own lives by putting time and effort into ourselves. The next year is forecast to be hard, by the financial experts, by the media, by the government. But who are they to control our lives and our happiness? Of course we need enough money to live on, enough food to eat and fuel to keep us warm, keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. But the essence of our needs, the real need of people, is to be loved, to be "part" of something, in a community of people, and to feel like we are cared for, for who we truly are. And we can do that whatever the banks or newspapers or politicians say. If you do one thing in 2012, be yourself, "Sparkle and Shine", and show the world the reason that you are loved, because we all are loved by somebody xx.

And finally, because I am not sure I will get on again beforehand, seeing as tonight I need to clean up the glittery green playdough the children have left all over the table, hang the paperchains on the ceiling, wrap all the presents, do my Christmas food shop, and start the process of making yummy sticky sausages for my birthday tea tomorrow........................I'd just like to say...............

IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

There's Always The Sun..................

How many times have you woken up and prayed for the rain?
How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame?
Who gets to say?
Who gets to work and who gets to play?
I was always told at school, everybody should get the same.

How many times have you been told if you don't ask you don't get?
How many liars have taken your money .... your Mother said you shouldn't bet?
Who has the fun?
Is it always a man with a gun?
Someone must have told him if you work too hard you can sweat

There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.

How many times has the weatherman told you stories that made you laugh?
You know its not unlike the Politicians and leaders, when they do things by half
Who gets the job?
Of pushing the knob?
That sort of responsibility you draw straws for if you're mad enough.

There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.

There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.

Tonight my words aren't making much sense. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling not good enough at many things. But I know, there is always the sun, there are always good times around the corner. I have learnt that much this year. So, because my words are not working very well, I am mainly talking through music.

And I'd just like to say....................

Hope to be back on top form shortly ;) xx.

Learning to dance in the rain

It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm sorry about that...................well really I'm not :P I'm been kinda busy, and everytime I've thought to sit down and post, it's just not happened, I've found something else I've needed to do. It has, admittedly, been a rough couple of months. I'm not 100% sure why, if I'm honest. I think I've felt at another crossroads, yet again, and to be honest, it felt like one crossroads too many. Like, you know, why can't my life just settle down for a while, what's with all the decision-making having to happen all the time? But I'm a parent, that's my job. I'm not just responsible for my life, I'm responsible for 2 other peoples aswell, and every single thing I do, say, think about, it impacts on them and affects the people they will grow up to be. Sometimes, in the past few months, I have cried. Sometimes I have laughed. Sometimes I've just sat and not moved. Everything has felt rather overwhelming quite a lot of the time. But I've got on with it, who else is going to do it? And now, finally, I feel like things are coming together, like life is possible again.

It has been, almost exactly a year, since I was ill. Where I am now is a lifetime away from where I was this time last year. And Christmas, well Christmas is around the corner. And my birthday, naturally :D I will be 29, the last year of my twenties. I'm not bothered about getting older, it genuinely doesn't concern me. In many ways I like it, becoming more secure and happy about who I really am, and knowing that the friendships I still have are real and meaningful ones. But I do feel that I need to celebrate this last year in some way. And I'm going to do it by having a fab Christmas. I have not had a great Christmas since, well, I can't even remember when. 2010 I was having a breakdown and then Jessica and I got the flu. 2009 Adam was sick. 2008 I was pregnant, and Adam was sick. 2007 we were under threat of Ofsted at work, trying to buy a house, packing up the flat, and Adam was sick (and 2 weeks later we got Ofsted and Paul had his major car accident). 2006, Adam was really sick as it was when all his kidney reflux came out to play. 2005, Adam was really sick, with a "virus" similiar to measles, and I was snowed under with college work. 2004, I was snowed under with college work, Adam's biological father decided he didn't want to see him at Christmas or actually ever again. And Adam was, shock horror, sick. 2003, Adam had bacterial septicaemia meningitis. 2002, I was pregnant, single, unemployed and didn't know what to do. 2001, I had an engagement ring thrown at me with words similiar to "I was going to ask you to get engaged but now I think I like *other girls name* so I need to think for the next couple of weeks, but I've got nothing else to give you so why don't you just put it on another finger for a bit while I decide"

 So this year, is 2011. And this year, I have planned Christmas out already. I have no big expectations. I have planned, to the finest detail, a chilled out, quiet, friends and family Christmas. And it is my Birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20s. And it will be good, and fabulous, because I am with my friends, and family. We may not have a lot of money, we may not have a lot of *stuff*. But we are happy, we are together, and that is all that matters. There are many people out there who do not have what I have, they do not have somewhere to live,  food to eat, their children with them. I need to count my blessings, and believe me I do. Oh yes I do.

I am sat here, worrying, that I have lost £108 out of my wage this month. And trying to work out a budget to  feed us for a month and still enable us to have Christmas food, take the kids to see Father Christmas, and buy the few pressies I still need to get. But do you know what, what is the worst that could happen to me? I have family, I have friends, who are there to help me. I live in England, we all complain about it but we have the benefits system, we have the housing system, we have hostels and free medical care. If I lived in another country, the worst that could happen is that I could be homeless with my children and be unable to feed them, or myself, and we wouldn't be able to access the medical care we needed. That is a lot lot worse than anything I have to face. And that, is an important thing to remember. Always be grateful for what you DO have, not what you don't. Make the most of what you have, instead of wasting your life away wishing for things that are not there.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"