Finally feels like Spring

This morning I took Toby up for his first trip to the greengrocers, snuggly wrapped up under my fleece. I love being able to shop locally, the owners are very friendly and helpful, and your bags always get packed for you :-) I picked up a good amount of veg/fruit for just over £10 with the added bonus that none will get wasted as I could pick just the amount needed, also meaning the children can have different fruit without it costing the earth. Plus the broccoli there is oh soooo much nicer than the supermarket stuff!
So when we got back, and Toby had a feed, I put him for a play in his swing and wait for it - hung the washing out! Yes really, snow on the ground still but definitely washing on the line weather yay!! And when I stood, pegging his nappies out, listening to the church bells ringing out, I knew that Spring had arrived.

Watch this space........

Ok so this is a trial and if it looks random or messy or just plain wrong then well, I don't apologise. That feels weird, saying I DON'T apologise, I was writing the opposite but then realised I had no need to apologise, I am trying something new and if it doesn't go absolutely perfect the first time then that's perfectly fine. Unless I was a brain surgeon obviously.
So I have installed Blogger mobile app and am going to attempt more regular blogging once again. It might work, I just attempted oven baked pancake squares and they are delicious. I'm eating them with a fork as I write, liberally covered in banana slices and golden syrup, whilst feeding Toby at the same time, so three things at once is a good start to this I reckon :-)
This is really just a warning, that more regular posts may be appearing, should you wish to either seek out or avoid them, and that the milk monster allowing I may be rejigging my site a bit today. Have a happy Easter weekend!!
Three reasons my blog took a hiatus...

It's only a few months until February....................

It appears that there is only so much information a head can hold until it starts to revolt. I think my head is starting to get a bit full.

I know that in a few months, everything will be fine and settled or at least on it's way to being, but sometimes knowing that isn't enough to get you through without a little bit of stress on the way. And it annoys me when if I talk about being stressed or needing a rest, I get comments about how having a third baby will be harder and he will be with me all the time and I shouldn't have planned to have him if I couldn't cope, blah blah blah.

For one thing, who said I couldn't cope?? Needing to vent, a hug, chocolate, some sleep, time to eat, somewhere to offload, that doesn't mean you are not coping, it just means you are ensuring that you CAN cope. I can cope, my children are fed, James and I am mostly fed, we have clean clothes (albeit often from the laundry basket rather than the drawers), all of the bills are paid and on time, the children get to school on time and with all letters signed and money sent and according to the teachers are delightful and happy, and sometimes I can even see the living room floor!!

Plus it's not about having a third child. It's about having everything happen at once, regardless of any other commitments you might have. If you thought about what could or might happen and what you could cope with and should do and commit to in case various scenarios happened, you would remain locked in your childhood bedroom in your parents house I would imagine. Right now, I often feel that I just don't have the time to be pregnant, and that this pregnancy is surplus to requirements in this current situation. I hasten to add that it is not surplus to requirements in my feelings or James or the children or anybody else. I simply mean that everything is ever so busy that to be honest this pregnancy has passed in a blur and I have somehow reached 31 weeks without even realising (possibly because I miscalculated and did think I was a week behind this......), and that there is so much going on right now in my family that I forget I am pregnant half the time, never mind everybody else.

I haven't a clue when we are moving house. We know we have a house to move to, which is something to be grateful for as so many people are struggling to find somewhere affordable that meets their needs right now, so I know I am lucky in that respect. We know it is most likely some time in the next 2-3 months, and that we can start packing things we don't use often and store them at my parents. Which, on the surface, is great, lots of time to prepare and save up and get organised, right?

The fact that those 2-3 months also include Christmas, the current lease renewal date, and the baby's due date are a slight issue. The fact that my Dad would usually help us move house and is due in for an operation in the next 2-3 months is also an issue. And that my Nana is in a rehab home and my Mum and Aunties are spending the majority of their time either visiting her to make sure she is looked after properly (because she isn't being), or trying to figure out where she will go when she comes out, is another slight issue in this plan. Add to this scenario that my 3 week old niece has just been diagnosed with CF meaning my sister is rather overloaded with information and tired, and that I have to go for pointless genetic counselling (pointless since I have already talked it over with my sister and James and my GP and am not dumb and the NHS is supposed to be short of money) in order to be able to be tested to see if I am a carrier. And that Adam would quite like to meet his biological dad soon please, if you don't mind, just to make sure he's not dead because somebody at school said he might be dead, and that would be sad if he didn't meet him before he died. Oh and then there is the news that my little brother is due home in a couple of weeks, great news and Adam is ecstatic, but means another heap of emotions in my head and another things currently being sorted out and paper-worked and planned by the family. So yes, it's kind of a busy 2-3 months. And I'm kind of tired. And I'm tired of people telling me that I'm tired and doing too much and they're worried I'm not coping.......................but not actually doing anything to help, and instead making it sound like it is all my own fault, when actually no, I wasn't aware that this was all going to happen when I got pregnant and even if I was single with no children I would imagine it would've all been a bit stressful and busy anyway.

The general gist of this is, don't ask somebody if they are ok if you don't want to know the answer, or if when they do tell you they are tired you are simply going to start telling them how tired you are yourself or how tired everybody they know is. And that it's probably not a good idea to decide to get pregnant when everything seems to be quiet because it will probably all explode shortly afterwards and you'll just mostly end up forgetting you are pregnant. And that just because somebody needs to vent and is tired, doesn't mean they can't cope or that they have too many children, it just means that too many things are happening and they need to let some of it out of their head, and if they didn't then THAT would mean they weren't coping, because it is BAD for your health to keep it all inside and not vent and THAT is when you stop looking after yourself and your children and not coping.

I am not complaining, just in case anybody gets the wrong idea. Ever since I was little, I have loved that my family is big and it is messy and it is often quite like a soap opera. Because it means that there is always somebody there, and always some comedy storyline behind the main tragic and stressful ones. It means that Christmas is busy and fun and that there is always somebody somewhere who can pick the children up from school if you pass out on a bus. It means I have lived in houses with not much heating and thick jumpers and moved from bedroom to bedroom as people moved out and moved in, and I truly appreciate being able to let the children buy chocolate on the way home from school, but still want them to know that playing at the park is cheaper and healthier than constantly buying new xbox games. It means that there is always somebody else taking the limelight or the attention so you can just quietly get on with your own life without feeling like you need to please everybody. And one day, I am looking forward to having my children and grandchildren around keeping me busy and needing money and help with childcare and advice on how to deal with mixed up 9 year olds and wild 3 year olds. Because in my family, somebody, somewhere, will have been through it and know what they are talking about, and that is always a useful resource. But that doesn't mean that everything is roses and I don't need a bit of a rest, or that they don't.

Just give people a break. You don't know everything about a person, remember that. Half the time they don't  even know everything about themselves.

And because life is crazy, and this is totally irrelevant to this entire blog post, this is the song that is in my head right now. I guess because it is fun and like a bit of a whirlwind and to be honest doesn't make any sense at all the lyrics are pretty much a jumble of whatever they fancied saying, like life and my family, you have to just go with it and get on with it because what else is there for any of us to do.

My Favourite Time of the Year

Well!
I don't really know why I gave up writing. I think, I was at a stage where the original purpose of this blog had finished, I was happy with myself again and had lots of reasons to, just simply, be alive. I was at a crossroads where I had to decide whether to stop writing or to change, develop, evolve. People were telling me I had lots to give, stories and tips to share, cooking advice (I make everything up as I go along), cleaning tips (I blag it), child-raising tips (see cooking advice)...........and I felt under pressure to organise my blog with meta tags, categories, etc. So I decided that I was giving too much of myself away, and ignoring my own advice to other people, which is to always prioritise your home life first. So I quit.

Looking back, it was the right thing at the time but now I miss it. I don't think I would be giving too much of myself away, I think rather I need to not try to make it perfect. Not organise it with meta tags and filters and categories unless I feel like it (first I would have to learn how to actually use them anyway.........). And make no apologies for that. So I'm back. But I'm not promising regular posts and I'm not promising structure. I'm not promising that every post will be useful, and many may be self-indulgent ramblings like this one. But I do promise that I shall be writing with honesty, and in my own style. And what more can anyone offer.

So, today. Today is October!! I do love this time of year. It is a funny time, between about now and February, they are my favourite four months. Yet they are also bitter-sweet and hold none of my children's birthday, family holidays, beach trips, long school holidays, garden days or any of the other things that I enjoy during the rest of the year. So why are they my favourite? I guess there are many reasons. And this may be a re-occurring theme of my blog for a few months, as there is no chance I can fit them all in this one.

It's the time of year when you can focus inwards on your family without feeling you are being rude. The nights are longer and start earlier, the weather can be unsociable, and everybody is either saving for Christmas or paying it off. More of the events organised are family ones, and you don't need to de-fuzz, tan, or wear skimpy unflattering clothes to attend!

This, however, is what also makes it bitter-sweet. Many special memories from the past are hidden in these few months, not just for me but for other people too. It can bring on a feeling of nostalgia, and it is important to remember what you have NOW, as well as remember what you had then, to avoid getting lost in the feelings. There is no need to forget treasured memories, indeed it is part of who we are and should never be lost. But it is important to remember not to dwell. I believe there is a line in Harry Potter that sums it up well, when Harry has spent much time looking in the Mirror of Erised and Dumbledore says to him

"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live, remember that"

We are all guilty of this at times. This is part of the reason I am starting to write again, I myself have realised that recently I am constantly saying "When we move...........when the baby comes..........after my sister's wedding....................after our wedding.................when Adam finishes primary school.........when Jessica starts sleeping.............", as if these events are necessary before we can just "live" our lives. When actually, we are living them now. I am often guilty of not living in the present. I reminisce about the past, and I plan (somewhat excessively!) for the future. If I don't put a stop to this now, I can guarantee that when all of the above life events have happened I will simply find more to fill that gap. I have recently taken up knitting. When I knit, I sit and I knit something that is going to be used now, in the present. I am also working on a blanket for the baby, that will be used not that far in the future. I think this is helping me re-focus on what is happening now and enjoy the life I have.

 And there are new memories in these 4 months to remember, and indeed still to have. I met James in February 2011, which seems crazy to me as that was only last year and I feel I have known him forever. When we actually properly "got it together" is rather vague and I couldn't pin it down to one day, so I choose to remember the night we met instead, even though nothing at all happened between us and I left that night not even dreaming that I had just met the man I was going to marry. Although he did leave a good impression having waited outside with me for my taxi and offered me his jacket to keep warm. Here is a picture from that night, and with hindsight, I like it. Apparently, according to Roj, it was pretty obvious he liked me as he tidied all his room a couple of weeks later for me coming for tea, which anybody who knows James will know is rather rare ;) 

I still find it crazy to think that this was only last year.

Of course, one more memory to be made, in that vague "he's not coming til after Christmas" time that Jessica classes it as, is that the baby is due in January. As of next Thursday I will be 6 months pregnant, which has gone rather fast (and, as all mothers will know, now slows down to the speed of a snail for the last 3 months). The children are both rather excited, Jessica has developed a positively lovely interest in all babies and toddlers and is even happily giving her things away to them, and Adam is just busy telling everybody that "it's ok, we are having a boy, I LOVE Jessica but I don't think we could have survived another one of her.........", and I gently have to remind him that there is no guarantee what the baby's personality will be like. Bless, he is under the illusion that he was and is a perfect child. But, of course, in many ways his illusion is correct, as both of my children are perfect..........for themselves. As are we all.

This is a great song. When I listen I remember many many times. Some good, some sad, but all are important times of my life that have made me "me", and now it is time to have some more.

"Wear Your Red Dress......."

Rather shockingly, I seem to have gained a life recently. I am spending time doing real things instead of writing my blog. It was completely unforeseen and unexpected that this would happen.

I am spending a large amount of my time researching home-education, and the more I read, the more I firmly believe this is the right option for my son as a viable option to secondary school. He also believes this, which only strengthens my resolve. Tomorrow we are going to visit a construction club led by home educators and hopefully have a chat with some people, as I think I will feel "braver" about this after meeting some people in real concrete life who are already doing it. The main aspects that interest me are the ability to create a curriculum tailored to his interests and abilities and future plans, which can be changed at any time, and be as flexible and free-flowing as he and the rest of our family need it to be. That he won't be subject to un-necessary peer pressure to conform and fit in so that he doesn't have to endure bullying. That he can have real socialisation, in the real world that he will live in for the rest of his life after school-age. That he won't have to do 10 or more subjects, some of which don't interest him, and instead can focus on subjects that interest him and gain greater knowledge in those areas, and gain a wider education in the real world, how to actually cook and clean and budget and "live". At the moment he is interested in Maths, English, Science, History, Religious Education, Geography and Latin, with a good sprinkling of ICT throughout. He would also like to learn karate, cooking, gardening, go swimming more, learn to play the piano, do lots of reading, and immerse himself in Harry Potter. Sounds pretty well-rounded to me ;) It is a rather scary prospect, I am worried I will fail, but if I sent him to school and then complained that they had failed him, would it truly be them failing him or would it be me, who had sent him somewhere unable to meet his needs? I am lucky that I am able to consider this, we are not well off at ALL but we are good at budgeting. However I feel I need to think in the long-run of a self-employed business opportunity I could do from home, especially at some point to begin building up a pension. It's all rather grown-up, this child-rearing stuff isn't it ;) I don't know whether Jessica will be attending secondary school or whether she will also suit home-educating better, she is only 2 at the minute and still developing her crazy little personality, but long-term thinking suggests I need to work on some kind of financial sustainability.

Other than that, I have been cooking, and cleaning, and sewing badges on to a camp blanket, going to the Salvation Army, going to band practice (although not tonight, as it's raining heavily and it's the school holidays which tends to skew my plans somewhat), planning my sister's hen-do, vaguely having ideas for my own wedding, planning Jessica's birthday, budgeting, oh always budgeting :P I have also dug out the cross-stitch and started re-watching ER from the beginning :)

Jessica and I have been making rock-buddies from a kit that a lovely friend passed on to us, it had stickers in which suited my sticker-addict down to the ground!! Adam has been very Harry Potter orientated, is half-way through the fourth book and keeps re-watching the fifth film. Apparently the fourth book is in the school library but he can't get it as it is in the "cream" section and he has only just moved up to "ruby" a couple of weeks ago............apparently the How to Train your Dragon books are in "ruby".........which he read last year at home. Don't you just love school reading schemes :P It's a good job we have well-stocked bookshelves at home :D Jessica also likes Harry Potter, she wanders around the house waving her drumsticks about shouting "Smelly Armpits!!", her logical take on "Expelliarmus". We got a letter from my little brother yesterday, and Adam was massively excited, declared that it was "his" letter, and read it repeatedly. When I later mentioned it is Jessica's birthday in just over 4 weeks, he announced that "And then it will be only 7 months until Uncle Andy comes home!!!" I said, "Do you miss him?" He said "Of course, I do, he's my family, I love him no matter what." I love my little boy, he's quite amazing. Think I best email his Uncle Andy and tell him what was said.

All in all, we are having a rather nice time just being together as a family, James is here quite often and is moving in shortly. Adam is very excited by this, and keeps saying "YES!" when we mention it - although this is usually followed by "I can't wait to have his TV in the kitchen so I can watch DVDs when Jessica is bossing the TV". So I can't be 100% sure on their motives for being happy about James moving in..................

Life goes on, as they say, and apparently it is true. It sure has taken it's time to show up. Possibly, after a settlement period, I will be back on this blog more often, when I have realigned all of my priorities. Who knows, in a couple of years it could be chronicling our adventures in the land of "Education Otherwise" :D

I was searching for a positive song about moving on. I have just found this most amazing song. I love it!!! I found the lyrics and have written them underneath. This is one awesome song - "Turn Up The Music" - this your life, live it!! It makes me feel like the whole tone of this blog is different, if I'd have listened to it first I'm sure it would have been. Listen to the lyrics, read them, and do them.........

How You Live - Point of Grace - Music/Lyrics Cindy Morgan

Wake up to the sunlight
with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ball games
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Chorus

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Chorus

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

"I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one"

My head is rather swimming these days. Every day I seem to find something new to learn about, become interested in, to want to be involved in. I see other people doing things, looking things up and researching, trying them out with their families and friends. And I wonder, how do they do it? Sometimes I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water, keeping the house tidy and organised, ensuring Adam is doing ok at school and has everything he needs, ensuring Jessica is happy during the day and we do enough "stuff" ie painting, baking, drawing, lego building, outdoor time etc etc.
I tie myself up in knots, and worry do I come across as superficially interested in things? Or am I interested in too many things? I love music, but I couldn't go into it in depth like many can, I don't know details about bands, even the ones I like, and I often can't remember the titles of songs never mind their hidden meanings. I love to play, and understand musical notations, but couldn't sit and discuss them with you or how they could be improved upon to make a particular piece sound better.
I love writing, and reading, but don't always know what a "homophone" or an "oronym" is until I look it up.
I am interested in home schooling and know the law regarding it and how it would benefit my eldest child, particularly through secondary, but haven't seen all of the lectures on youtube or read all of the research papers on the subject, and I don't know what the latest buzzwords mean.
I never seem to have time to catch-up with friends, hurried text messages here and there, but I do still care about them. There are some I have grown apart from, but others I keep trying to organise meet-ups and then it falls by the wayside, does that mean neither of us are making enough effort, or just that we are both busy, do I worry too much about this? I have one friend who lives in London, I see her maybe twice a year if that, and talk on facebook, but I definitely count her as one of my closest friends, so maybe I need to stop factoring in that my other close friends live nearer and regard them the same way - we talk when we can, we see each other when we can, and we still deeply care about each other and would always be there if needed.
I see things I would like to do, learn to knit, crochet, make my own wedding invitations, make scrapbooks from our boxes of "photos and things saved as have memories attached to them", japanese number puzzles, cross-stitch.............but I never do any of them, or I start and then leave them unfinished. Does this make me flaky, or just busy, or just forgetful of giving myself time for me?
I want to tone up my stomach and legs, but I do exercise a couple of times and then let it fall by the wayside again, as an un-necessary extra.
I wonder if I am one of those people that others say is all talk and no do. But it's not that I want to be all talk and no do, it's just that I don't have the time?? Do I need to make the time? Is it that many other people just have one or two interests and I have too many and can only dip into each one at a shallow level?
I get things, and care about them and get immensely caught up and passionate about them, such as bullying at school (especially secondary school). But what do I do about them? I think in my head about how it could be tackled, things schools could do, things the police and government could do. Then I think of the feasibility, the age of the perpetrators, the parents of the perpetrators, the fact that people change and if a child has a record at 14 does that label them for life, but if they get it expunged at 18 then do they see it as not mattering so they might as well carry on with their violence and intimidation of others? Does a 14 year old know better, is it their parents fault, is it fair to prosecute parents instead of the child, can there BE a blanket rule for this or is it another one of the "too complicated to legislate and would cost too much as each case is different so we'll just sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not happening" situations, that seem all too frequent these days.
I see people getting passionate about terms and conditions on websites, liability for copyright material used, and I think why am I not bothered? Why do I just see it as "that's life, use it or don't". Should I be bothered? Am I naive? I don't see it as naive, I do know of the issues, I just don't see they are going to change and usually are interpreted sensibly, so perhaps I put too much trust in the fairness of the justice system - even though I know it is flawed, so really I am a complete walking contradiction?

Is everybody like this? Do we ever truly become "grown-ups" and really figure things out. I think I know what matters these days, but just find it impossible to fit it all in, and impossible to think "well I will just concentrate on ONE interest and ONE thing to be passionately campaigning about and ONE thing to try and improve in my own life", because it just doesn't work like that for me?

I'm not really sure, that there is an answer. All I know is that I am not superficial, I do care really about everything I talk about, and if people think I don't, they don't really know me. I get upset when people make presumptions, judge situations without knowing both sides. I allowed myself to get upset the other day about my ex making it out to his friends I am a control freak, when from my point of view, I am trying to regain control of my life from how it used to be when I was with him. Does that make me a control freak or does it merely make me normal, wanting my own life to be my own life? Does me not wanting him to call the shots mean I want to be in control, does that make me the control freak now? It hardly seems fair. But really, why do I worry what he is saying to his friends, and what they think of me, when they are not my friends? I think it's because I try so hard NOT to say things like that, that I make excuses for him, be understanding and considerate of why he might be acting a certain way, yes sometimes I do rant and get annoyed, I think that's normal, and especially when I find out he has said things about me that aren't true. But on the whole I really do try hard to make sure people don't think bad of him, that the children don't think bad of him, and I guess I find it bloody unfair that he doesn't do the same for me and then I find it hard to carry on doing it, being the bigger person and all that.
But really, I just need to be grateful and happy and think of the positives. I am happily engaged to somebody I truly can see myself being with forever, I have a nice place to live, the children are happy and progressing well (in my opinion :P), they have a good dad who sees them regularly, I have lots of family and friends and am in relatively good health. I need to forget about the people who don't know me and judge me (or who even know me yet judge me), and just feel sad that they don't have a happy fulfilled enough life to not need to focus on other people's shortcomings.

I think it's time for the ten things that are good about my life list again people, make us all feel good :D Do your own list, throw away the negatives and just think of the positives
1. I have two children who are amazing and beautiful and kind and just awesome
2. I have found a partner that I truly fit with and who my children love
2. I live within reach of a city, and countryside, a canal, river, parks, farms all within walking or short public transport distance
3. I get good, free, healthcare and relatively cheap eye and dental care
4. My children have access to education and by law are also allowed to be educated at home if I wish
5. I live near a library, greengrocers, butchers, supermarkets, many different restaurants and cafes
6. I am allowed to attend the religious service of my choice and freely talk about the religion of my choice without fear of arrest
7. When needed, I am able to get financial help from my government to help me live, although this seems to be under threat at the moment I hope pressure from the public and many charities will ensure as a country we continue to provide for those who need it and ensure people do not continue to slip below the poverty line
8. I am allowed to campaign and speak my mind about subjects that concern me, and pressure the government to change things, and vote for changes, without fear of arrest
9. I am in relatively good health
10. I have a nice house to live in, with all the necessary furniture and electrical appliances and a garden for the children to play in with a shed and toys to play with

It doesn't matter if other people think I am superficial in my thoughts, I know what I care about and what I know about and the time I have to be involved in it. I do need to try and make some time for myself, but I also need to stop worrying how it comes across to other people.

I like this song. I know, there are some areas in my life, where I could have made different choices. But I am loathe to say better, because the choices I made have brought me where I am today, and I'm not sure today could be any better. I like to not have regrets, to think that everything was part of the end result. I attend church again now, and sometimes I feel uncomfortable, that I should feel ashamed or sorry for things in my past, but I refuse to, and then I wonder if that means I shouldn't be going? I have always had principles, and they may not fit in with the ones that other people think I should be living by but I also don't think they were bad. I never had sex with anybody I didn't deeply care about at the time. I did use drink as a way to get away from myself at times, but when I felt I needed to, and it worked, and enabled me to put my problems away for a while and be me, and then feel more able to tackle them again in a couple of days. I always tried to think of others, sometimes too much, and pretty much everything I did felt right for me AT THE TIME. I won't feel ashamed, or wrong, or bad, because I didn't do things knowingly wrong to hurt others or with a bad intent in mind. And the thing is, the things I have said, others may think "well I have, does that make me bad?". No, it doesn't, if those are your choices, the fact is I made mine and others made theirs and nobody can judge one another's. Just because I felt it was important not to do something, doesn't mean somebody else did, so I would never force my opinions on to somebody else's life. Does this mean I shouldn't attend church? Sometimes I think that, but mostly I just keep quiet when people talk about these things, or walk away, because I refuse to allow somebody to make me feel judged when they don't know the truth. I think of it as "their issue", and not mine, and as the way they chose to live their life, and it would be wrong of me to tell them they are wrong, the same as it would be for them to tell me, so I just choose to not have those conversations. I don't know if this is a cop out, but it keeps me sane.

And sanity, is all we can hope for.

To each their own, to each their life, what brings one peace, brings another strife

So, I searched for a poem or quote about judgement, thinking there would be many. And surprisingly there really isn't. I found this poem, and I like it, I have ensured to copy and paste in completeness and with a link to it's author, as I have put this on my blog because I like the sentiment, and for others to go and read her work, not to try and plagiarise it. Please click on her name and read her other poems, and again let me repeat this poem is not by me, nor do I personally know the writer.

Who Are You To Judge Me?

by Ashley

Who are you to judge me,
Based on the way I look,
Do you always judge a story,
By the cover of the book?

Who are you to judge me,
By the way I dress and what I wear?
Who are you to judge me,
By the way I wear my hair?

Who are you to judge me,
By the things you imagine I do?
When you don't bother to figure out for sure,
What exactly is or isn't true...

That's my point,
You're no one at all,
You judge me for one reason,
So you can feel tall...

You judge me because you want to,
And because it makes you feel better inside,
Because my imperfections aren't yours,
But your flaws won't always hide...

I'm my own judge,
And you're your own too,
So judge yourself,
And the things that you do...

Because I'm tired of being judged,
By people who think they know me,
Who refuse to judge themselves,
Because they aren't as perfect as they could be... 

It makes me sad, as a parent, that I am almost shoved as an unwilling competitor into a world where one wrong move can mean you are scorned by others. Where mothers feel the need to justify whether they work or do not work, instead of simply being able to say "I am doing the best I can for my child and family at this moment in time", and being proud of that. Nobody can judge another person, nobody can say that they are wrong for working, that their children are being raised by others (what utter rubbish, I have worked in nurseries and can assure you I raised no children there apart from my own that came with me for a little while!). And when I studied and then worked, my children were definitely raised by me, they were cared for WELL by their child-carers, but they were raised by me. However, nobody can say either that children who have a parent staying at home do not then have a work ethic, also utter rubbish, I currently stay at home and my children know that when possible, people need a job to earn a living and pay taxes in to pay for the running of the country, and also to help people, and themselves if they need it in the future. I hope to raise my children, as do the majority of parents I assume, to be open-minded, honest, caring, understanding, non-judgemental and hard-working, however they choose to apply that to their individual circumstances in the future.

I just feel sad, that when there are so many positives that could bring people together, instead the negatives always come out to play. Did you breastfeed? How long for? What formula do you use? Do you use cloth nappies? What brand of disposables do you use? When did you wean? How did you wean? What pram do you use? What carrier do you use? Are you going back to work? Are you leaving your baby with a childminder? Are you putting your toddler in a private day nursery? Haven't you seen the news about *those* places? Are you staying at home? Don't you want your children to have the latest things or have a work ethic? When are you getting rid of dummies? What about their teeth? Are they allowed chocolate or sweets? When are you going to make them walk instead of being lazy in the pram? When did they learn to read? When did they walk? Do you have stair gates? Do you have a fireguard? She's run away to play on the grass, aren't you going to stop her? Aren't you going to let her run away to play on the grass?Are you sending them to nursery school? What do you mean, home education, is that not illegal? Why do you make them go to church? Why do you not make them go to church? Do you make yours do their homework? Do you do practise SATs? Are you going to get a maths tutor? Do they go to clubs, do they have *socialisation*?

I know my children. Parents know their children better than anybody else in the world. Just CHILL THE HECK OUT!!!

I like to chat with my friends, about how I've done things, and pass on advice if they ask. But that doesn't mean they have to follow it, or that I will scorn them if they don't. It's their choice, because their children are not mine, I don't live and breath them every day like they do, and I can not possibly know what is right for them. Heck, I struggle to know what is right for my own children half of the time. And in a world where parents are questioned at every turn, this is not something many will admit. It is time that us real mothers took the stand and said:

"Hey, do you know what? I do a bit of this, and a bit of that, and the stuff that doesn't work I lose and the stuff that does I keep. And sometimes it changes and I have to try the old stuff again, and find some new stuff. And sometimes I mess up and have to say sorry, I messed up. When I was a kid, I thought one day I would grow up, but now I've figured out that nobody ever does, we just spend our whole lives figuring stuff out, and it would be a whole lot easier if we were all honest with each other about that."

We should feel privileged that we are able to make these choices about how we bring up our children, or at least more of them are choices than they are for many other people in the world. I am not perfect, I am guilty of judging others too. I try not to, but am human and so fail. I am not ashamed to admit that. However, from now on, I am going to try harder. I am going to try the Complaint-Free approach to life, with a slight adaptation to fit my own life, cos, well, it's my life :P I am going to wear a hair band on my wrist, and everytime I judge somebody, or complain in a negative manner (I feel there are positive ways to complain, some matters do need bringing up, but can be done so in a positive *let's change this* kind of a way), I am going to swap it to the other wrist, and see how long it takes me to keep it on one wrist for a whole day. And then a week. And who knows what the future holds?????

I am sure I will fail many times, but it's not about the end result, it's about the journey.