I have the internet back! Yippee!!!!!!!
Lots of things have happened, and I can't catch up on them all tonight, because, well, I am having a tv night, due to having a long week and being shattered.
But, there is something I would like to address. Somebody said to me yesterday, that they hate those "mum" statuses on facebook, where people go on about being unselfish mothers and not having their hair done and trading night outs for video nights in etc. Because it makes them feel like they're supposed to feel that way too, and are "wrong" for not doing. But it's not true. Here's a new one for you:
I'm a mum. I love spending time with my kids. But sometimes they do my head in. I love having family video nights in. But I love going out with my friends and talking about "grown-up" stuff. I love spending money on the kids. But I love having my hair done in peace and quiet and feeling like 'me' for an hour or so. I don't regret for one second having my children and I appreciate that I have children to get up with at 5am ever day. But I still sometimes wish I could have a lie-in and not have to snap into wide-awake super-mum mode within a minute of getting out of bed.
And that's that soap box moment over and done with for the week :p Of course I would never go out if my kids were sick, or I didn't have enough money for their food and clothes or heating to keep them warm. But that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it when they're not sick and I do have money. I will freely admit I am a totally excellent supermum, my kids are always nicely dressed and well fed and remember everything for school and nursery and always have spare clothes and wellies and trainers and tracksuits and pe kits and name labels and water bottles. They have stack loads of toys and garden toys and travel toys and dvds and books, yet they know the value of money and rarely whinge about what they can't have. I spend time with them, bake every sunday with them and take them to church. But, I still like having a break. I commit the ultimate single parent sin every week of NOT MISSING THEM when they are at their dad's. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie. Yes, I love them to pieces, but do you know what, I am shattered by Thursday and a 2 day/night break does me the world of good and means I am a better mum when they are back with me because I am not a total wreck. Plus I personally think it is important for them to have a strong relationship with their daddy, he's been there since before they were both born I think it'd be a lot worse for them if they didn't see him! So, for everybody else who feels like me, you are not a bad mum. You're human. And if anybody tells you otherwise, they're not really important in your life anyway. And if anybody thinks, after reading this, that I'm a bad mum, then they should come and live with me for a week and then tell me how bad a mum I am. Besides, Adam said I'm the bestest mummy in the world and Jessica gave me a kiss. And when it comes down to it, who else's opinion counts?
But now i think I'm a bad mum, again! No bad feeling about this at all. I just don't do the stuff like remembering and being organsed all the time and having all the appropriate distractions all the time. And I have many days where we all end up kind've wrecks; or at least we have had. But I came back from Zak playing at a friends house, which was a good thing in itself, and kind've a first, because it was all about his choice. It was an enourmous house, that's puts my anxiety about getting and keeping on top of this one really in perspective (I have dreams about owning all kinds of large and heritage-responsibility properties, large villas, churches, castles, cathedrals and rambling jites and chateuax). I was feeling really grateful for my house. And now you've spoiled it!! Only joking - it was okay, really. But it was a differet sort of data, I guess, to process. (how geek am i?).
ReplyDeleteI got Amy to bed in a fairly relaxed and confident way. Hmm. What is confidence? What is confidence, anyway, hey? Often I feel I wouldn't blow my own trumpet the way you do -;) - which makes me uncomfortable and at the same time I am still pleased for you and willing yu on - that's really contradictory, though. I think that I lack some confidence for good reasons. I don't tell anybody they are a bad mum. I hae my own points of reference for what I think a good mu might look like but it's really hazy and shifting often, and sometimes i am particularly unconfident in my ability to perceive anything right about motherhood. But anyway, i'll stop ranting in this unfocussed way about whatever it is at the heart of this that i am trying to get at - maybe that I feel and live in things in a very different way but I hope you can think that some of that confusion is true and right in a way and not just appalling - wither as lack of self-esteem or bad behaviour. Okay?! If you see what i' trying to say? Are we on the same page here? Kathy xxxxxxx
The whole point is that we all do good and bad things differently and we shouldn't make each other feel bad for it. You probably do a lot of things that I don't.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I'm sad that you think I blow my own trumpet. The whole point of this blogspot for me is to gain confidence in myself because I have spent much of my recent life feeling rubbish about myself. I had a pretty bad breakdown, I lost a lot of weight and I picked up some old bad habits that I thought I'd gotten rid of as a teenager. So, no offense, but sometimes things aren't always what they seem. I'm not a very confident person, and I don't truly believe that I'm superwoman, in fact most of the time I think I just scrape by and my kids are getting a raw deal and I'm a pretty crap mum. But this blog is supposed to be about positive things, to stop me being so ill again that I pirouette around an a+e room and then collapse on the floor in tears. And yes, I've admitted that on a very public forum, because I am now scared that people are going to think I blow my own trumpet.