Every day I am pretty sure I do at least one thing wrong. Most days I do more. I used to think I was alone, until I talked to other parents who were honest. Here is a place for more parents to feel less alone, and more "good enough".

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide...............

It's been a while. Things have been happening. I've broken my camera which creates a problem as it means I can't share in the way I would like, I can't build on the pictures and talk through experiences. I'm trying to win the lottery to afford a new one but so far it's not happening..............
And then just when I was thinking of coming back, my laptop screen also got broke. Super duper this life.

It's so long since I've been on here that they've changed it. It says it's a clean easy to use interface. I find it rather cold, distant, unfriendly, uninviting. Not somewhere that makes me want to write about my life. I'm sure I'll get used to it, everything changes. Some things end. Somebody once said to me "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I can never decide whether or not they were wrong. If something bad is happening, then surely it's good when it ends. But is that still a good ending, because surely it not happening in the first place would've been better really? Can bad things ever go away, have an ending? Or do they remain always there, even when you think you have resolved all the issues.

It's Autumn now, one of my favourite times of year. I like it when the air gets colder and you can go for long crunchy walks and have space to think in your head without having to worry about sunburn or dehydration, or your nose and toes going blue and falling off. I have lots of things to look forward to at the moment. Adam is going on camp and moving up to Cubs. We have devised a system involving a mind-jar and a swing-ball set for future episodes of stress so as to prevent pouring any more money down the drain. Jessica is loving her new childcare arrangements and is talking a lot more since she sent her dummies to the babies in hospital via the dummy fairy. I'm somehow managing to keep the house tidy and sorted, keeping up with work and friends and have even done some Christmas shopping. Amazing huh.

One of the reasons I haven't written since the last post in August is because I have been working through something that is never going to be shared on here, and that I am still working on even now, even though really I thought it would be dealt with and over as soon as I got it out in the open. When you shut the door on something, and then re-open it a long time later to fix it, it's pretty damn hard to make it fit behind that door again. And this is supposed to be a positive space, and I am trying really hard. But sometimes I just want to get off the train and hide down a siding for a while. I was looking on YouTube for the perfect song to go with how I'm feeling. I couldn't find anything, just took a wander around and found all different memories from my past.
This is what I mainly listened to when I was 18/19 -
And this is what I find myself often listening to these days.
"Cos even when I'm a mess I still put on my vest with an S on my chest..." Bit of optimism there for you ;)

When you hide something, put it away, and then come back to it later, you can't just resolve it by telling the right people, having them hug you and apologise and move on. Instead it becomes part of you, something you carry with you, along with everything else. You feel better than when it was hidden, but you don't feel better than if it would never have happened in the first place. So then, you end up feeling angry all over again at the person who caused it. And that is not an easy problem to resolve. But I'm working on it. Partly I just need to stop reinventing myself, and let myself be the person I am, even if sometimes that reminds me of the past. By losing all of my past self, all I do is let the person win. And that can never be a good thing.

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