Just To Be Is The Best Of Times

This is how I feel right now. Sat at my laptop, coffee in hand, sun streaming in through the window, reading all Jessica's birthday messages and waiting for my sis to arrive.

I can't really explain it. I just feel at peace, at one, and happy. I feel settled, even though I am moving house in 5 weeks I no longer feel stressed. My house is tidy, my kitchen is covered in food which is what a kitchen is meant to look like in my family the day before a party. We have a habit of not being able to under-cater. I am going out today with my sis and her fella to look at tents and camping things, and buy charcoal and garden toys, and I feel like this is what my life is supposed to be like. No pretence, no being somebody I am not. Unfussed and fun and lots of good times with friends and family, an open house to the kid next door, and far too many people squeezed in my tiny kitchen. Tonight I am cinema bound with James and a couple of his friends (eek!), tomorrow we are Army-bound and then it's a fab afternoon in the garden (fingers cross for the good weather!) with lots of great people, and next week we are all back to work and school but Adam loves school and my work is fab and Jessica is coming with me, and then I have a joint birthday meal next week for two of my closest friends who are totally brilliant people and have given me lots of support in the past months despite all their own problems and busy lives.
Have faith, jump off into the blue. The waters are fine.

The story of a poor bloke who has yet to meet my family.........

I've not been blogging a lot recently. I think, I let it become a "thing", like when you have to do that thing, and I'd not write something that I wanted to write about because I was busy, so then when I had time to blog there'd be a build up of 2-3 things to do and I couldn't decide what to give room to and what to write, then I'd feel like I was letting people down because I hadn't written about signing up for the new house, or the oven breaking, or the washer breaking, or the cat sleeping on Jessica's bed half hour before we were setting off for London, or the London trip and all it's events including Adam meeting his old teacher, and everything I've done since coming back from London, and trying to clear all my stuff out, and planning two parties, and making my relationship with James "official" by putting it on facebook - which is apparently how things are known to be real these days :p And there's been loads of other little bits, and silly pics of the kids doing fun stuff, and little pockets of memories like today putting the Union Flag on Isaac's grave (apparently it's only a Union Jack if it's on a ship - learned that from Adam whilst in London!).
So, I then thought, wait a minute, this is my blog, my rules, time doesn't need to be chronological. I can write what I want when I want and go backwards and forwards and skip things and revisit things. I mustn't stop writing just because I feel I am doing it wrong. How can I do something wrong that is my own thing to make up???
So, today, it was Jessica's family party, and I will post photos of her when she's had both parties, because well, I can :D But the funniest part was, that I got quizzed about James. And everybody wanted to see a photo of James. And my mum's reaction to his profile pic on facebook? Priceless. "Oh bloody hell." Hehehe, apparently she thought he looked like a Hell's Angel. Bless. My eldest sister? "Muuummmm, you can't say that! Oh, he's got a beard." Yes. "Is he into all heavy metal stuff then?" Yes. "Does he ride a bike?" No. "But he likes heavy metal though?" Yes. "Oh, that's good, yeah he looks quite normal actually". My dad? "He looks like Nigel who comes in the pub." Right, that's handy. My other sister has already seen his picture because she's on my facebook, and she thinks he looks like Sully from Monsters Inc. My brother thinks he looks like a hillbilly. And him and my sister's boyfriend fell about laughing when I said that his family was from Wales and I'd not dare tell my dad that yet. The poor bloke, he doesn't understand the level of mick-taking he is in for. I think Justin is just happy it's somebody to steer away from his dodgy southern accent. My eldest sister was mainly concerned about his education and job prospects and union activity and whereabouts his parents lived. And she wasn't overly happy that I'm "in a relationship" on facebook before she's met him and that she's liable to be the last person from the family to meet him. So she's booked us for a Sunday when she finishes her exams. My brother and other sister are going to meet him on Sunday. Should be fun. Hmmmmm. He said he's not at all scared of meeting my family. I wonder if he will be once he's read this.
My family is funny and big and brilliant and I love being a part of it, it's who I am. Sometimes yes, we fall out and drive each other mad, but that's what being part of a family is all about. The song below, always takes me back to my childhood, we didn't go to Grandma's every weekend (although me and my sister next-up from me did stay there often), but we drove up to The Old Hill Inn most weekends with this music in the car, or sometimes drove up to Scotland for holidays in the middle of nowhere with a load of embroidery to do, and the nearest shop a half hours walk away and me and my sister would buy fizzy lemonade powder and eat half of it instead of making the drinks with it. And sometimes we'd all 4 go for walks and see who could be pushed in the most nettles. And when we were up at the pub we would just wander about, apparently once my eldest brother and sister went sledging and landed at the bottom of the hill looking like snowmen. I remember staying at the pub with my sister when it was my mum and dad's birthday but it was the holidays and my mum was working so we were up there for the week and my dad got really drunk and he was coming up the little narrow stairs going "shush, don't let the kids know I'm drunk" (well, that was the gist of what he was attempting to say anyway), and my sister and I were killing ourselves laughing in our bunkbeds. All random childhood memories that come to me when I listen to this song and make me smile.
So yes, it is important to me that my family gets on with James, but to be honest, I pretty much think they will. Fingers crossed.

Now, I'd best get all the house tidied up again, so that people can mess it up again on Sunday :D

"You Just Call, Out My Name...."

We often take friends for granted. But just the smallest thing, can let people know we value them. Reminding them of a fond memory, a photo, sending a "surprise hug" text, remembering they had an appointment that morning. I have a lot of friends. I love them all, in different ways. And in the past few months, have found out, often surprisingly, who I can lean on with no strings attached. I can't mention people by name, because I tried, and there are too many, and I don't want to miss anybody out.
Memories are an amazing thing, they bolster us through the toughest times. Sitting here, I can see a sleeve of my upper school jumper sticking out of my memory box. And I can remember all the stuff wrote on there, and those mad last days with everybody running around with pens. I can see my photo board with random friend pictures on, quite a few from Christmas Eves in the Ring O Bells, a couple from Sam's birthdays in London, one from Morecambe, one from Bingley, and lots of empty spaces waiting to be filled. In my memory boxes, are photos of random parties at my flat, all blurring into one event although from the clothes there were at least 2 and I'm pretty sure there were others. Random words bring up random memories. Wands and tiaras and pink cowboy hats from hen parties long gone (marriages still intact too :D), and notebooks full of scribbles.
When I move into my new house, I really am going to sort all those boxes out, and make a memory book (and box for the larger things), that I can flick through on those days when I need a boost. And when we're having a girly wine night in. And when I'm old and decrepit and my children say "mum, you don't have a clue what it's LIKE to be me" I can show them it too.
I think, I might need some help from friends in the next couple of months. Moving house again is quite possibly not what I needed right now. But, I know, from last time, that if I ring people and ask, they will really come and really help. And if anybody needs anybody help from me, they know where to come, this door is always open. I don't know if it's being from a big family, or from being brought up by all the different people in the Salvation Army, or from being looked after by all different people in the school holidays whilst my parents worked, or just from human nature. But whatever it is, I'm at my happiest and best when surrounded by my friends. Hopefully this Sunday will be a good weather day, and my house and garden will be full of the people that I love being with, and we can all have smiles on our faces :)

The Day Of Adventures.....

Today, I have crammed a years worth of adventures and mishaps into the short space of approximately 12 hours :D
And at one point, I was drowning in it all, but then I thought what, what am I doing?? Who else is going to sort all this out?? And as my lovely Louise Atkin said, this is what I am good at :D
So, I looked on google for ultimate feelgood songs, picked "Don't stop believing" by Journey (NOT the glee version, bleurgh sick-making), and danced in the kitchen whilst swinging on the worktops. And now I feel so much better ;)
I got up early this morning, took delivery of my new table and chairs for the garden (which now I need to find a new garden for......), then took delivery of my fruit + veg box, then took delivery of 4 giant children's maps - one of the world, one animals of the world, one of the solar system, and one of the ancient world. They are pretty awesome, but not putting them up now until we move. Then I took delivery of some bunting for Jessica's birthday party. Which is now also a house LEAVING party rather than house warming lol.
I ran around tidying my house for my volunteering mentor coming this aft, put Jessica back to bed because she was tired, then sent Adam with his friends mum to her house. Ran around did some more tidying, fought with some wasps for access to my washing line (and won, obviously), and built my table and chairs up. Questioning why bloody TESCO have to put 2 sticky labels on every chair that refuse to come off properly. Huh. Then I made Jessica's lunch, grabbed the Hello Kitty shorts that stupid H+M forgot to take the tag from, and speed-walked to Saltaire in 20 mins because my watch had stopped and I didn't realise so I only had 20 minutes to get there in. Looked around the house, phoned the estate agent to see what they were fixing, phoned my mum, and walked up to my old work to give Natalie Bithell the Hello Kitty shorts to get sorted at H+M for me cos she's lovely like that. Said hello to the gerbils at the nursery and got read a book about gerbils by two 4 yr olds who surprisingly remembered me, then took Jessica for a little walk around and had a nosey at the awesome new play area outside. Walked all the way back home, just in time to unlock the door before my volunteer mentor came. Had a chat and a drink and did paperwork, then gave Jessica a banana smoothie icelolly which apparently burnt her hand because she refused to hold it by the stick. Stood holding the lolly by the stick whilst Jessica sucked it, then gave her an ultimatum - hold it or lose it, and she decided to hold it herself. Went on the laptop and did a good/bad list about the house I'd viewed, then welcomed Adam back home from his friends. Tried to make tea, whilst Jessica sat on the side and 'helped', only to find out halfway through that the oven had broke, so instead of tuna fish pie with veg we had cheesy tuna mash with veg. Apparently it was the best tea Adam's had in ages, hey, who needs an oven??? Then I rung my sister for her opinion on what to do about moving house, then I changed Jessica's nappy 3 times in half an hour because she thought that would be a fun thing for me to do, and then everything exploded around me as the children ran around generally causing chaos and the oven timer bell kept ringing and my phone kept beeping with messages and the tv was playing some star wars thing and Adam was singing about "Dancing onto the floor all night oh yeah" and I was trying to decide where to live and how to fix the oven and what I need to buy and do for Jessica's birthday party, and when I could move house, and Adam was shouting "Mum she's pooed again!" and Jessica was laughing and stripping off, so I thought EVERYBODY STOP!!!!!!
And I took Jessica upstairs, put her pjs on, and put her to bed. Then I came downstairs, shut myself in the kitchen (Adam was happily watching Generator Rex, this was not neglect), and this is when I found myself playing "Don't Stop Believing" at top blast, and generally just deciding that actually, everything is going to be fine. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.
Because I said so. So there. And I text James Coleman and told him that everything was going to be fine, because I had decided it was so. Because I needed to share this decision. And he agreed with me, which was nice of him. And then, then I rang my mum and told her I am going to take the house tomorrow if it's still available. And when I asked what they were doing, my dad said "relaxing, that's what you do after a hard days work", and I, inwardly, laughed. Because, my dad is pretty much retired and only does a days work every now and again. And HAVE YOU SEEN how much I've DONE today?????? My mum laughed at him too, haha. And no, I'm not relaxing. I have too much to do. But, it's ok, because everything is going to be fine. What's the point of it not being?
Ah, and breath................................

"I come in peace...."

So, obviously, as I practically live on facebook when I am stressed, most people will know that I have to move house. And really, I should be grateful that I got 11 weeks notice. They could've just given me one month's notice. And they do seem very eager for me to get the house tomorrow, so hopefully the owner will like me. Fingers crossed.
I knew something would go wrong soon. Things were going far too well, tempting fate and all that. And you know, they do say sometimes that doors close so that other doors can open. The house we're going to look at tomorrow is on the same street as Adam's best friend at school, so that will give him somebody to play with, and it is also only around the corner from where Adam goes to Beavers/Cubs so that might also have some potential for an easier life. Got to look on the bright side and all that!
Sometimes it's kind of tiring, looking on the bright side and being strong all the time. I will sadly confess that I did slightly snap at somebody for saying I was strong today. But I apologised, because they are the last person in the world I want to fall out with right now, and they were being nice, it was just me being rubbish. Sometimes, I just get a bit fed up of always handling everything and being capable and knowing how to do everything and always working things out and being strong and dealing with things. Sometimes, I just wish somebody would come knock on my door, give me a hug, clean up my kitchen, make me coffee and cake, and tell me everything will be fine. I tripped over Buzz Lightyear just now, he said "I come in peace", and I thought, I wish..............

You know, when you just need to write.............

I have taken a cool picture of the kids, squished next to each other on the sofa with baseball caps on, bless them. Adam put his new transformers cap on as soon as I showed him it, leading Jessica to point to his grey one from last year and demand it on. So they sat and watched Toy Story 3, eating sweets, with baseball caps on. Bless. Jessica's favourite laugh out loud bit of the film? When Big Baby blows a raspberry at Lotso, she killed herself laughing, pointing her fingers and blowing raspberries at the tv lol.
So I have this picture, and Adam said "please can you put it on facebook" hahaha. Children of the new technological age and all that. But I can't find my camera lead, gutted, really wanted to put it on cos it's cute. And cos he asked me to, which is also cute.
Tonight, I am in a funny mood. Today has been good, a really fun day, and had a good time with the kids tonight, and it's the start of the holidays and we have lots of cool plans and things are really starting to come together in all different ways. So earlier I was really really happy. And I guess, really, I am really really happy. But that is freaking me out somewhat. This song is a bit of how I feel right now, I guess.

Because, well, everything is too easy right now. I mean, not everything, some things are still a little rocky, but I'm handling them well and getting lots of support, therefore they then become easy. Surely it's not right, that everything is so easy? It's kind of scary, like being on the edge waiting for something to go wrong. Hmmmm. We'll see. I felt the need to blog tonight, which hasn't happened for a while. I've done them because I wanted to, but not because I needed to, like right in the beginning when I started it was definitely always because I needed to. Somebody said to me the other day, that the reason they were worried is because they were happy. And now, I kind of understand what they meant.

It's all going on........:D

Ah, I have spent half the night on the Tube website planning our trip to London next week. Thanks to a suggestion from a lovely April BB lady I have discovered the Transport Museum so will be headed there, along with trips to the Natural History and Science Museum, a looooooooong walk around Hamley's, and of course, let's not forget "WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM, OBVIOUSLY MUMMY!" Duh, there was me thinking we went there last year and he'd not mentioned World War 2 for a while. Ah well, least Jess might see a bit this time, she slept through most of it last year lol.
So now I am all excited, have also planned most of the rest of the holidays out, have a few spare days weather permitting we might go to Lister Park + funfair next Wednesday or Thursday if anybody fancies it (potentially Thursday in the hope of wearing them out for the train ride Thursday evening :D). I have bought Jessica's birthday presents with my mum last night, apparently I should've bought either the car OR the kitchen, but hey they're only young once, be right ;p Haven't bought Adam's present to her yet either, oops.
Recently, I feel my whole life has been taken over by Tesco. I work near Tesco, and everybody shops there because it's the only supermarket nearby. The children wear loads of Tesco clothes, we have snack from Tesco, and when the new children ask where their parents are we say they've gone to Tesco to buy milk and will be back soon. If one of the owners has nipped out, the children usually say "Gone to Tesco?" Then, you know, the new relationship I sort of mentioned, well he works at another Tesco. And then I ordered my garden table and chairs, and only place I could get them from - Tesco Direct. My friend says "My mum's moved to Great Horton", I say "Oooh where I work there", she says "Just round the corner from that big Tesco". TESCO TESCO TESCO hahahahahahaha, and to think I've not been in the place for years prior to this. Anyway, so tonight I decided to buy tea in Bradford on the way home, I'd missed the bus to town so I thought, you know what, might aswell go to Tesco for food then can just go straight home. So, as mentioned on Facebook, I went over to the dark side, and entered Tesco. Had a wander around, bought a garlic crusher that I've been forgetting to buy for a month, and then, accidently bumped into the childrenswear department. Wow, it is actually not bad!!! Hello Kitty knickers for Jessica (she is liable to potty-train soon, a whole year earlier than Adam did!), a Transformers hat for Adam. Plus countless other items including StarWars + Sonic tshirts for half the price last years cost me at Next. Luckily, both children actually need new clothes, having decided to grow out of virtually everything, including shoes + coats, at exactly the same time as each other. So, might actually go back again sometime, definitely a better selection than Asda, which is pretty much Winnie-the-pooh, tigger, or pink, and stripes + skulls for boys. The toy selection was awesome too, but I resisted. Because, well, I think I won't be able to resist letting them choose something from Hamleys. So NO toys until then.
Tonight, I have planned out all our Easter holidays. I am sorting all their clothes out tonight, going shopping for new clothes for me tomorrow and the remainder of their's on Monday whilst they are with me. I am feeling really organised and upbeat and like everything is finally falling into place and coming together. I have lots of things to look forward to in the next month, with birthdays and parties and trips away, and just some quality chilling out time at home.
To that end, I'm going to post one of my favourite ever songs on here. It is, obviously, written by Bon Jovi. And, well, it just has been one of those songs that seems to crop up often for me, when things are changing around. Right now, I think it is more apt than ever.

Tomorrow, I am going shopping to buy some clothes for me, for just when I want to be me. Not going out clothes or work clothes, just me clothes. And then I am going to spend two weeks with some of my favourite people in the world, and then I am going back to work and taking Jessica with me and I know she will love it, and I will love really getting back into work mode as we are getting busier. And then, well who knows, but some pretty good things are lined up, a birthday meal out and a silver anniversary party and a long weekend, and spring bank holidays, and a music festival, and a long summer holiday in the garden, and well just lots and lots of simple good times with simple good people, and yes, it's just life, life is happening and yes it is looking good xx.