"I don't want to live like I don't care....."

I most likely need to update my blog. I don't feel like I identify with the background anymore and I probably need to have a good look through the lists etc. Ah well, another thing for the to-do list.

So here I am, another year, another life phase about to commence. I seem to have this happen quite frequently ;)

I have decided to finally step up and attempt to be and do the role that I think I am supposed to be doing. The role that all my mistakes and life experiences have been for, the reason that actually they were not all 'screw-ups', they were put there on purpose so that I would BE fit for purpose.

Right now, I could go and get a full-time job in child-care, on a decent enough wage, put the children with a childminder, and between us we could have enough money to most likely buy a car and go on a decent holiday once a year. I'm not sure that would make us all happy though. Not because of the working or the childcare, at some point that is going to happen and I don't have a problem with it if it's for the right reasons. However, I wouldn't be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. A parent unhappy with their role, is not the way to make a household happy, even if it means they have more money available.

I just played a song, and it made me cry. I don't even remember listening to it before but it was on my YouTube history so I must have done. I think, what has held me back for so long, is a fear of failure. I am, didn't you know, a bit of a perfectionist and a worrier. What, you didn't realise?? Sorry about that ;) I have a tendency to over-analyse what I am actually good at, what I am actually supposed to be doing, and all that jazz. I also know, as do we all, that it's a lot easier to say, "Well I did well at school and my teachers wanted me to go on to further study and so I know I can do it if I wanted to, it's not aptitude that's holding me back, it's a life choice and just the way things have gone here"..........................than it is to say, "Maybe I have used the fact that my life had a diversion as an excuse to not try and achieve the things I should, because I am scared that I will fail and then I can't say that I could have done it if I had had the chance".

I have the chance now. I have the chance to study, to learn so much more and then use that knowledge to make a difference. It may sound rather corny and rubbish, but I completely totally just love solving puzzles and situations and helping people. I love when people come and talk to me and I can help them figure out a way through the maze.

There are so many people stuck in the maze. I sometimes am stuck in the maze. Currently, my house is the maze. It is an absolute tip and at my Nana's funeral yesterday we were remembering how hard she worked and how she kept her house immaculate despite having 7 people living in a 2 bed-roomed house and no washing machine. So for the next two days, you will find me having a cleaning frenzy. Except for the fact that I am sat here writing this and listening to music instead of starting the cleaning. But after that. And tonight you will find me watching The Help (which I have just discovered is on Netflix) and eating the chocolate and wine that my lovely children and parents at my last job gifted to me. Feel free to come around if you live local. You can marvel at my half-tidy house.

Life is busy, it's full, it's always always crazy. Who wants to be on their deathbed wishing that they had done more, that they had actually stepped up and done what they were supposed to do? I keep looking at the toddler group bumph that I need to organise and set-up for September, the training for my volunteer position that I need to start sorting out, and the start date for my OU degree course, and thinking am I just crazy?? I have 3 children?? I'm nearly 33 years old.

That is the point. I am ONLY 32 years old. My Nana was over 50 years older than me when she passed away. Do I want to spend that time coasting? I don't think so. There is absolutely no point at all in having the experiences that I have had, for nothing. It is time to put them to use, to stand up and be counted. And I'm sorry if you are not religious and therefore find this song 'uncomfortable' to listen to. If I'm completely honest, sometimes I find it hard, I still need to allow myself to open up, I'm not really as open a book as I make out on here. For example, yesterday, there were only a few seconds that I let the tears come, and that isn't because I didn't love my Nana, it's just that I don't let people see my emotions when they are real, only when I am crying over stupid stuff like a cat stuck up a tree in Fireman Sam. (Yes, I really do that). So if you feel that way, then just listen to it anyway. It's a good song, and it spoke to me today when I just randomly picked it from an old history list. So it must have been there for a reason.

A Whole Picture of a Lady

Today is going to be a strange day.

A day of dressing up and looking smart, to say goodbye to a lady who took rather a long time to come around to the idea of females wearing trousers. A lady who had a hairdresser come to her house regularly to wash and set her hair to make sure it looked decent.

Celebrating the life she had, the life she gave all of us, her big family that she was the head of. Former boyfriends were known to liken her to the Queen Mother - gentle and well-dressed, but ruled with a strong will. For me, I used to call her Beryl the Peril, and my Grandad was Dennis the Menace; it was the source of much amusement to me as a child that these were the names of my grandparents.

My Nana would mostly likely think she was an imperfect parent, as do we all. But she was perfect at being her. She was perfect at always having chocolate on her china tray in her living room, tins of Baxter's soup and Ambrosia Custard in the larder, strawberries and gooseberries in the garden, and always ALWAYS giving us elevenses at 11 o'clock in summer, with lemonade and biscuits at the table in the garden.

She was also perfect at knowing about nearly every single flower or plant, and getting her fingernails full of mud whilst she looked after them all in her garden. And then letting us make perfume with all of the petals from the roses that she had cut back.

She could give you just one look, or say your name in a certain way, and you would know that your skirt was too short, your top too low, or that what you had just said was not to be repeated in polite company. But she would have a twinkle in her eye when she said it, and you would remember that photo that your Mum showed you.............the one with 4 ladies on the lawn in extremely short mini dresses..............your Mum, two Aunties, and your Nana. And your Nana's dress was the shortest of the lot.

She was perfect at knitting matinee jackets for all of the babies, and we still have some tucked away downstairs for memories. When her fingers didn't work very well anymore, I bought a set of knitting needles and accessories with some money that she gifted to me, and taught myself to knit. I think it will be a while before I master her intricately patterned baby jackets, but it feels good to knit blankets and know that she would be saying "told you so" as I feel myself relax whilst doing clicking away.

There will be many things about my Nana that I don't know or don't remember. I was at the younger end of her grandchildren, and only vaguely remember some of the older traditions and things she used to do. There will be many things that my children do not know about her. We have a habit, as people age, of just remembering the last 20 or so years. We have a habit, of only seeing the bit of them that they showed us, as the 'real' bit. In reality it's a bit like a jigsaw. You need all of the people that she knew, or that knew of her, with their own little piece of the puzzle, to get the real complete picture. You need to listen and believe what other people tell you of her, even if it doesn't fit what you think you know. That is the way to respect and remember a life.

Hopefully, today, we can all sit together and all remember and celebrate the whole picture of my Nana. There's one thing for sure. She loved roses, Salvation Army brass bands, and this song. We will be singing it today, this afternoon, and I hope she will be listening and seeing all of the family she created, all of the friends lives that she touched. Jessica says she will be sat with "That man, that Grandad you told me about, and of course Baby Isaac, he will always be a baby you know, but now he has a Nana with him too".

Working on Wednesdays

Arghhhhhh! Now breath.
So today, the little man was wheezing and cuddly and just wanted to feed all night and morning. His Daddy was working and I needed to go to work and we are both on temporary contracts (his more than mine) so time off is rather frowned upon. My children have, due to this, begun getting sick on Wednesdays as they know this is the day we find hardest to get alternative childcare. We have foiled all their attempts to have a stay at home parent once more, so far only I have missed one Wednesday and that was last minute due to Tobys last ditch attempt and sudden escalation of cold to severe chest infection in 60 minutes flat.
Toby this week has been flitting between poorly and well roughly every half an hour (except at night when he is full on poorly and needs to feed or sleep on my chest pretty much for 8 hours). I took him to nursery, signed in a calpol sachet and his inhaler, told them to ring me not Dad if he got worse, and went to work feeling guilty. Then felt even more guilty when I read the nursery Christmas party invite and figured out we have nobody to take him and he is probably going to miss out. Then got to work and cried on a colleagues shoulder because I felt like a crap parent. But on the plus side I found my mobile in my bag whilst looking for a tissue , instead of it being lost somewhere in the house like I'd thought (and ran everywhere looking for before we set off).

So, work was fab and fun, no phonecalls from nursery, went to pick him up and he'd been fine, even eaten for the first time in 2 days, then slept solid for 2 hours 20 minutes. Next time he is ill, he'll be off to nursery to get better.

Went to pick the girl up from Grandad. She looked tired....uh oh. Trudged home, made it with no pleading/shouting/bribery/tears.....feel like superwoman. Then had a rather stressful 30 minutes sorting out a phonecall, a dvd rack emptying toddler, a 5 year old worrying about a dvd rack emptying toddler, and cooking a rather fiddly tea that got moved from Monday and will NEVER EVER be cooked on a Wednesday 'busy walking small children home and having Adam home for 20 minutes inbetween film club and scouts and getting pe kits washed very quickly' night EVER AGAIN.

But it tasted nice. To me and James. The children had a cold/lingering urine infection/cough/tiredness/general mistrust of food thing going on.
I ran up and down a few hundred times running a bath (the boy bombed on scouts to get better for school trip tomorrow), getting pjs, brushing hair, getting milk and weetabix and bourbon biscuits and more milk, writing a nativity cast list and basic walkthrough, changing the washer, finding thermals (in a carrier bag I sent up to his room in AUGUST for him to empty and put away), fixing a marble run, putting dvds away (twice), brushing teeth, reading a story about Tom and his elastic band and replacing batteries in a nightlight frog.

And now I am sat. Trying to figure out how to get my littlest man to his nursery Christmas party without feeling massively guilty that I am only 5 minutes up the road but can't be there so that he can be there. Hopefully I will figure something out, that's what superwoman do, after all ;)

Grown-ups can apologise too.......and POPCORN!!!

I was a shouty mum tonight. After a busy day and planning lots of busy things coming up and lots of 'muuuumm' and not getting a second to do anything and 'im not going to sleep im not tired' etc, coming down to find a child and sofa covered in milk just pushed my buttons somewhat. Especially as it was already the second pair of pj bottoms of the evening.
So now she is in bed, we had cuddles and I apologised for shouting and explained why I had, but then she decided that she still wasn't tired and was going to push buttons further and I had to insist that actually, if she didn't lay down and attempt to sleep and stop shouting, then I wouldn't get any time to do jobs tonight so I would have to do them tomorrow evening and she would have to miss her disco instead of me going with her. She hasn't shouted for ten minutes so I think we may have a truce. Rather than bribery, I like to think of it as natural consequences, if she prevented me from using the time as needed then I wouldn't have time tomorrow to take her where she would like to go. But really if I'm honest I did just think it would be a good way to get her to sleep quickly and would've been gutted if I'd had to follow it through as I missed her last disco due to work.
It's ok, I think, to know when they have pushed your buttons and just need to figure out some way, any way, to get some peace to regain your balance. It's better than snapping anyways. I'm happy to apologise for shouting, hopefully she will learn that it's ok to make mistakes and that even grown-ups need to apologise, to me that is more important than needing to be infallible.
We have had an eventful week. I ended up in hospital last Thursday after a week of chest pains and a collapse outside nursery. My sister's baby is almost due, my brother had an accident at work and my eldest sister has a lot on also. I am often thinking hmmmm maybe one child would have been enough........only kidding, I wouldn't be without any of my three........although I do now have enough.
So currently I am on heart medications 'just in case' whilst I wait for more tests, and am trying to take it easier but also get the house sorted at the same time so we can all relax. My husband cleaned both yards and most of the attic Sunday and Monday........maybe I should go in an ambulance more often ;)
I have bought berocca, mixed nuts and little tubs to carry them around in, and am trying to drink more water and less caffeine. Life re-evaluation time and all that. In the meantime the children have speech therapy, hearing tests and an ear consultant, dietician, optician, asthma gp appointments and paediatric assessments to fit into my oh so empty diary. See the sarcasm there. The wallchart pretty much has a red dot (see diary) on the majority of the next two months.
I am trying to make sure the children get 'me' without losing 'me' to the children. It's not so simple. I'm contemplating the merits of a yoga class.
However, blue dots on the wallchart mean family time, all 5 of us family time. They are scarce in their occurence but there is a patch of them coming up, starting on Saturday. We have a wedding (although Jess is skiving out of some of it for an uber important 6 year old birthday party), a sleepover for the eldest two at Aunty Haleys, a couple of nights in Whitby AFTER payday *whoop*, and then a couple of days to go bowling/museum/cinema type things although the husband is back at work and I may leave my little Toby man at nursery for a day or two so we can actually do the bowling/museum/cinema type things.
On the cinema note, I made 'Neopolitan Popcorn' the other weekend as part of my 'make a treat from pinterest each week' list item. I didn't actually use a recipe from pinterest as they all had convoluted ingredients lists comprising of 'just what I had in my cupboards', that seemed to have been made by people who's kitchen cupboards back through on to about 5 different stores. So I got the idea from pinterest and made my own. Theotetically I should have used some of the 2 bags of popcorn kernels in my cupboard. In practice I used the bag of Cinema Sweet popcorn from Asda that my husband had bought so that we wouldn't need to make a mess in his clean kitchen. Then I found half a large bar of milk chocolate, melted it in the microwave and poured it over a third of the popcorn, stirring rapidly. I then went to the shop and bought 6 packets of Milky Bar buttons. I melted 3 packets, stirred in strawberry flavoured milkshake powder, then poured over a third of the popcorn, stirring rapidly. Then finally I melted the remaining buttons, stirred in banana flavoured milkshake powder, and poured over the remaining third of popcorn, stirring rapidly. Every single recipe said to spread out on a tray covered in tin foil and put in the fridge for 5 minutes. Firstly, we were out of tin foil so I used baking parchment. Secondly, 5 minutes is a load of rubbish. So is 10. In the end I put each tray in the FREEZER for approx 5-10 minutes, and even then the milk chocolate one was a bit 'melty' when I separated it up into the bowl. But it was fine. This was the result...

And when we added the Cool Runnings dvd this was the other end result...

And then Toby decided he liked the popcorn and stole it all and made his brother and sister take just one piece at a time......

The moral of this post? All that matters is the little things, the good moments xx.

The Life List

I just started writing a post. And my phone deleted it. This is why I haven't been on here in an age. My phone broke, I finally got a new one and then that has also broken before I got chance to download all our summer photos from it, which I had actually begun a really simple memory book for. Do you know when it feels like nothing works out?? It would be easier with a camera but that's never had chance to get fixed either. Sometimes it feels like this whole house is full of half finished jobs. There is a box in the hall with a small shed in for the garden so we can move outdoor toys from the attic, finish cleaning the attic from about a year ago and finally make Jess a bedroom up there so Toby can have her bedroom. But first we need to clean the garden up so the shed can go on it. There are things everywhere in the house, stuff stuffed all over, our ensuite is full of toys cleaned from the attic, and then because it's nearly Christmas and Toby's birthday we feel like we need to buy more toys that we don't have anywhere to put. I made a new Life List but Blogger deleted it. I'll try again anyway:

Sort the house out (this incorporates a list all of it's own that is too long to even be written down anywhere), whilst spending as little money as possible i.e. Stop buying more furniture for quick fixes

Do the 51 week Lego Challenge that I just found on pinterest, as a family

Fill the creative drawer and use it at least every weekend (shouldn't be hard to fill, attic is full of creative activity stuff)

Get outside - to the woods, the park, the glen - waterproofs, scarves and a flask, let the kids get muddy x.

Create more - knit, crochet, craft, and experiment with much more - selling items through The Creative Owl is just a sideline excuse for creating more ;)

Make Christmas more about fun, family and magic and less about money and more toys to pile with the other piles of toys

Try out one new meal and one new treat every week from my pinterest boards

Learn more about the things that really matter from my children and the two year olds I work with

Carve out more couple time - in the midst of having family time we need to remember that we need a solid centre for the family to branch from x.

And, as an added extra which makes most of this list seem rather pointless, I really need to quit trying to make life perfect and just enjoy the moments as they come xx.


Seeing as we've been absent for so long and you may have missed us, here is the chaos we live in.........crazy people have the best fun ;) 
The eldest child - not counting the husband who is clearly a lost cause in this photo - is absent due to getting older and not being as fond of crazy picture taking......

Feeling lost.........................

So I had a really great week at MAD week at Shipley Salvation Army. It was great to spend time with everybody, feeling part of things, and the children really came out of their shells and seemed to love it too. Adam really mucked in with the community aspect - he did gardening, litter picking, bag packing and car washing, and happily volunteered so I'm really proud of him x. Jessica spent most of the week in creche with me but did go car washing with her brother and other adults WITHOUT ME one morning, a massive breakthrough. She also was extremely excited because "John Froud came, we washed John Froud's van!!", bless her little cotton socks, he has a new fan since holiday club this year (another break through in that she went to holiday club for a week and happily so, with Dad doing the drop-offs/pick-ups who she is usually more clingy with). Jessica also went in Rachel's car without me, and was dropped off at Christine's house without me there for a little while. She felt confident enough to dress up as a fairy princess for the fancy dress, an absolutely amazing breakthrough considering earlier on in the week she admitted to not wanting to wear dresses or girly things out of the house because everybody makes a fuss and says "oh wow, Jessica is in a dress/looks likes a girl" etc etc. So all in all, a very good week. Toby was happy all week too and went to various people for cuddles with his usual grin xx. He also got himself into a little routine for meals from being in creche, which I completely didn't account for and then realised at 1pm today that he was probably grumpy because he had been having a biscuit at 10.30 and lunch by 12.30 all week, and here I was not feeding him anything since breakfast and only just thinking about lunch. Oops.

And after all that, I am left feeling rather flat. I don't really know why. Partly, I have no phone. I feel amazingly lost with no phone, I can't just text somebody and receive a positive *hug* back, or give somebody a ring and have a chat to make me/them feel better. I can't go on facebook to interact with friends unless I physically sit at the computer, which is rather tying when you have a 7.5 month old, a messy house, and an overwhelmed brain. I have one really big group of friends in particular who my main mode of contact with is facebook, and they are the most supportive and helpful and funny group of ladies (and one man!) you could hope to have, so I particularly miss them when I am not in the land of working technology. And then I start thinking, do I only have friends in my phone, do I not have any physical real friends, and then I feel lost. Which is rather daft, as after having a break from writing this whilst I had a chat with my mum (used the landline that we pretend we don't have because I don't know the number for it.......), James has managed to get my phone working and I have a gazillion text messages to wade through so obviously I am loved ;)

I am just really really rubbish at making new connections. I worry I am imposing, that people are already in established groups of friends and are just putting up with me butting in. I worry that people think I am too young or too old to be in their "group". I find that people don't invite me out or to go places because they think I can't - they make assumptions that I can't find a babysitter or they don't invite us as a family because they assume the children can't make it because they are at their Dads. That particular one I really dislike because we have an agreement that we don't want the children to miss out on things just because of us not being together so will always rearrange if it is for the children's benefit, so I really really dislike it when people decide for us! I feel I can't invite myself along to things unless I'm asked, and then feel stupid because people probably think I don't want to come because I don't ask and I probably look really standoffish and that is why I don't get invited in the first place! I have three friends who I still have the same level of friendship with that I have had  throughout having no children right up to the present. I love those three friends. None of them are constantly here or always who I call for help, but the fact they have never changed how they view me, have always still invited me along and arranged to meet up, not been offended when I can't come and stopped invited me to anything ever again (this sadly happens often, you can't get a babysitter once and suddenly people take that to mean you never will be able to get one), but equally have adapted enough to enable us to still be there for each other, that I love them for. There are others who are still around too, who I still am friends with and who things are great with, but those three really stand out to me. There are also others who have sadly fallen along the wayside. But hey, it's their loss, my kids are ace and I'm a richer person for having them, and I hope one day they can experience something similiar in their life that makes their priorities change  - not necessarily children depending on their personal choice, but definitely something they can be that passionate about.

So why am I lost? I have three children who are awesome, a great house (albeit a complete tip right now, which does have a vast impact on my mood so I need to tidy it), and I do have lots of friends who I can call, and a supportive family also. I guess it is my own feelings that inhibit me? My own feelings of not being part of things, that maybe people somehow think I'm not who they are really looking for in a friend, that maybe I'm not good enough? These can make me seem unapproachable, standoffish, like I'm not looking for friendship, when really I very much love company and would love to spend more time with people. I'm a strange creature, I need quiet and some semblance of order and routine, and alone time, but I also need the company of others on a regular basis, and to feel included and very much part of things. I think Adam takes after me in so many ways and that's why I feel so deeply for him when he's upset as I can really connect with how he feels, and dislike knowing my child can be feeling so anguished.

Parenting is not an easy job. This week I have been around people who see my children in a positive light, who constantly say good things about them and the way I've brought them up, and I can't say enough how much better that makes me feel. Everybody needs that kind of support. I think, as parents, we are pretty rubbish at looking at ourselves in a positive light, remaining forever scared that we are messing our kids up. Or maybe that's just me. I need to give myself a big shake in a black bag as my mother would say, count my blessings and just try and be more sociable and outgoing. I am feeling flat, I really am not sure why, maybe it is the house being a mess, or the children not being here, or uncertainty about employment/money coming in, or feeling a bit like I don't belong to any friendship groups in particular.......................I don't know. I do know that only I can pick myself up and get back up on a positive road again, so that'll be my task for the week I guess xx. For sure, I want my children to be happy in their own skins, so it's important they see me being happy in mine x.

This song is how I feel right now - my head is too full and I just feel a bit overwhelmed and lost.

Pirate Pandemonium

Today we went to Pirate Day!! Which the children loved and it was really fun, it was really great to see Adam enjoying himself as it was busy but not TOO busy for him, and I can really see his capability to deal with busier places is increasing which is encouraging. He did become anxious about getting pictures of everybody, and we missed Captain Hook, but instead of being upset he decided somebody else might put one up somewhere that we could see and that he was lucky to have got the rest, so another positive change also in how he is dealing with disappointments.

The day was slightly marred by some stupid old man who decided to plough into the bunch of children that Adam and Jessica were in and drag a little girl along under his scooter because he was fed up that the town was busier than normal, but luckily the little girl seemed to be ok and the bloke was caught on CCTV so hopefully will get his comeuppance. Jessica was asking at bedtime about the bad man and if the little girl is ok, think she was rather shocked by it all as she kept saying in her bed "Myra wouldn't do that, Myra stops her scooter doesn't she for children"...hmm think Myra may be answering some long questions next time we see her at coffee morning! (Myra is a lady we know who uses a mobility scooter, she is much nicer than the man today!) Again, Adam didn't become too anxious about this, was reassured the girl was ok and happily enjoyed the rest of his day. It appears he is growing up! As I said to him today, he is the first nearly 10 year old I have had, so I might get some stuff wrong when I'm trying to help him with life changes and learning to be accountable and take responsibility for things, but hopefully we will muddle through together.

Here are some pics of our fun :D

Jessica refusing to have her picture taken....

 My two little tearaways

 A picture with Peter Pan!!

 And, Jessica's shoes. She stole my camera again.

It was a pretty cool laid back kind of a morning, which is unusual for my two with organised public events, and we even managed to walk all the way home (aided by three bags of sweets from the market) without me having to do any carrying. I am hoping for some sleep tonight as they are all most definitely shattered, although Toby hasn't got the memo that it has cooled down and is not managing with the heat today despite being fine for the past week at hotter temperatures, go figure. Tomorrow we shall crack on with the school holiday plans, and after 3 more days of school next week, all systems are go :D