So, I deactivated facebook. This morning I woke up feeling very relaxed and motivated. Toby had to be at the doctors for 10.40am for his injections and we managed to get there almost on time without any Jessica meltdowns. She rode her scooter all the way to saltaire roundabout which is up quite a hill, we missed the original bus I had planned to catch but I saw that she was trying her best and reminded myself that it was me who should have given her more time to get up the hill. So I encouraged her rather than getting cross, told her it didn't matter about the bus and just got the next one. We were only a few minutes late for the doctor and she felt good about herself.
Fast forward to this afternoon. Everything went wrong, Jessica's behaviour sky rocketed, Adam was mid meltdown and poor Toby was crying his little eyes out which he never does so presumably his legs were aching from his jabs.
James and I had planned to do as much tidying of the house as possible. Instead I was stuck on the sofa with a cuddly and bossy Jessica and the kitchen got more messy (as did James) when I tried to open the strawberry milkshake powder and ended up pouring it over his head whilst he was knelt down putting dishes away. Shaky hands. I've been having headaches recently, and now with shaky hands and noticing my engagement ring is more 'fitted' it seems that high blood pressure may be trying to sneak back in.
So James swept that up, I attempted to herd the children to bed without an all out war, and then I laid on the sofa and unashamedly cried. I am tired, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong with Jessica whatever I try, and poor Adam is getting grief at every turn - from his sister at home and a boy at school (letter to teacher has been written tonight and will be sent tomorrow and hopefully sorted) and is struggling to cope.
As an aside, James is sat watching 'Going Postal' and one of the lines struck me as what I would say "Can't I even die in peace?" hahaha. As many mums will testify, it's rare you even get to wee in peace.
So. James made me a cuppa and we talked and made plans for tomorrow, choosing to ignore the fact that they didn't work today. Without hope what is there left?? And I am currently sat reading "How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk". If nothing it helps just to know I'm not alone. Underneath it is "Siblings without rivalry", hopefully that will have some gems of wisdom. With another cuppa, and a pack of custard creams, we'll figure out a way forward I'm sure xx.