Feeling lost.........................

So I had a really great week at MAD week at Shipley Salvation Army. It was great to spend time with everybody, feeling part of things, and the children really came out of their shells and seemed to love it too. Adam really mucked in with the community aspect - he did gardening, litter picking, bag packing and car washing, and happily volunteered so I'm really proud of him x. Jessica spent most of the week in creche with me but did go car washing with her brother and other adults WITHOUT ME one morning, a massive breakthrough. She also was extremely excited because "John Froud came, we washed John Froud's van!!", bless her little cotton socks, he has a new fan since holiday club this year (another break through in that she went to holiday club for a week and happily so, with Dad doing the drop-offs/pick-ups who she is usually more clingy with). Jessica also went in Rachel's car without me, and was dropped off at Christine's house without me there for a little while. She felt confident enough to dress up as a fairy princess for the fancy dress, an absolutely amazing breakthrough considering earlier on in the week she admitted to not wanting to wear dresses or girly things out of the house because everybody makes a fuss and says "oh wow, Jessica is in a dress/looks likes a girl" etc etc. So all in all, a very good week. Toby was happy all week too and went to various people for cuddles with his usual grin xx. He also got himself into a little routine for meals from being in creche, which I completely didn't account for and then realised at 1pm today that he was probably grumpy because he had been having a biscuit at 10.30 and lunch by 12.30 all week, and here I was not feeding him anything since breakfast and only just thinking about lunch. Oops.

And after all that, I am left feeling rather flat. I don't really know why. Partly, I have no phone. I feel amazingly lost with no phone, I can't just text somebody and receive a positive *hug* back, or give somebody a ring and have a chat to make me/them feel better. I can't go on facebook to interact with friends unless I physically sit at the computer, which is rather tying when you have a 7.5 month old, a messy house, and an overwhelmed brain. I have one really big group of friends in particular who my main mode of contact with is facebook, and they are the most supportive and helpful and funny group of ladies (and one man!) you could hope to have, so I particularly miss them when I am not in the land of working technology. And then I start thinking, do I only have friends in my phone, do I not have any physical real friends, and then I feel lost. Which is rather daft, as after having a break from writing this whilst I had a chat with my mum (used the landline that we pretend we don't have because I don't know the number for it.......), James has managed to get my phone working and I have a gazillion text messages to wade through so obviously I am loved ;)

I am just really really rubbish at making new connections. I worry I am imposing, that people are already in established groups of friends and are just putting up with me butting in. I worry that people think I am too young or too old to be in their "group". I find that people don't invite me out or to go places because they think I can't - they make assumptions that I can't find a babysitter or they don't invite us as a family because they assume the children can't make it because they are at their Dads. That particular one I really dislike because we have an agreement that we don't want the children to miss out on things just because of us not being together so will always rearrange if it is for the children's benefit, so I really really dislike it when people decide for us! I feel I can't invite myself along to things unless I'm asked, and then feel stupid because people probably think I don't want to come because I don't ask and I probably look really standoffish and that is why I don't get invited in the first place! I have three friends who I still have the same level of friendship with that I have had  throughout having no children right up to the present. I love those three friends. None of them are constantly here or always who I call for help, but the fact they have never changed how they view me, have always still invited me along and arranged to meet up, not been offended when I can't come and stopped invited me to anything ever again (this sadly happens often, you can't get a babysitter once and suddenly people take that to mean you never will be able to get one), but equally have adapted enough to enable us to still be there for each other, that I love them for. There are others who are still around too, who I still am friends with and who things are great with, but those three really stand out to me. There are also others who have sadly fallen along the wayside. But hey, it's their loss, my kids are ace and I'm a richer person for having them, and I hope one day they can experience something similiar in their life that makes their priorities change  - not necessarily children depending on their personal choice, but definitely something they can be that passionate about.

So why am I lost? I have three children who are awesome, a great house (albeit a complete tip right now, which does have a vast impact on my mood so I need to tidy it), and I do have lots of friends who I can call, and a supportive family also. I guess it is my own feelings that inhibit me? My own feelings of not being part of things, that maybe people somehow think I'm not who they are really looking for in a friend, that maybe I'm not good enough? These can make me seem unapproachable, standoffish, like I'm not looking for friendship, when really I very much love company and would love to spend more time with people. I'm a strange creature, I need quiet and some semblance of order and routine, and alone time, but I also need the company of others on a regular basis, and to feel included and very much part of things. I think Adam takes after me in so many ways and that's why I feel so deeply for him when he's upset as I can really connect with how he feels, and dislike knowing my child can be feeling so anguished.

Parenting is not an easy job. This week I have been around people who see my children in a positive light, who constantly say good things about them and the way I've brought them up, and I can't say enough how much better that makes me feel. Everybody needs that kind of support. I think, as parents, we are pretty rubbish at looking at ourselves in a positive light, remaining forever scared that we are messing our kids up. Or maybe that's just me. I need to give myself a big shake in a black bag as my mother would say, count my blessings and just try and be more sociable and outgoing. I am feeling flat, I really am not sure why, maybe it is the house being a mess, or the children not being here, or uncertainty about employment/money coming in, or feeling a bit like I don't belong to any friendship groups in particular.......................I don't know. I do know that only I can pick myself up and get back up on a positive road again, so that'll be my task for the week I guess xx. For sure, I want my children to be happy in their own skins, so it's important they see me being happy in mine x.

This song is how I feel right now - my head is too full and I just feel a bit overwhelmed and lost.

Pirate Pandemonium

Today we went to Pirate Day!! Which the children loved and it was really fun, it was really great to see Adam enjoying himself as it was busy but not TOO busy for him, and I can really see his capability to deal with busier places is increasing which is encouraging. He did become anxious about getting pictures of everybody, and we missed Captain Hook, but instead of being upset he decided somebody else might put one up somewhere that we could see and that he was lucky to have got the rest, so another positive change also in how he is dealing with disappointments.

The day was slightly marred by some stupid old man who decided to plough into the bunch of children that Adam and Jessica were in and drag a little girl along under his scooter because he was fed up that the town was busier than normal, but luckily the little girl seemed to be ok and the bloke was caught on CCTV so hopefully will get his comeuppance. Jessica was asking at bedtime about the bad man and if the little girl is ok, think she was rather shocked by it all as she kept saying in her bed "Myra wouldn't do that, Myra stops her scooter doesn't she for children"...hmm think Myra may be answering some long questions next time we see her at coffee morning! (Myra is a lady we know who uses a mobility scooter, she is much nicer than the man today!) Again, Adam didn't become too anxious about this, was reassured the girl was ok and happily enjoyed the rest of his day. It appears he is growing up! As I said to him today, he is the first nearly 10 year old I have had, so I might get some stuff wrong when I'm trying to help him with life changes and learning to be accountable and take responsibility for things, but hopefully we will muddle through together.

Here are some pics of our fun :D

Jessica refusing to have her picture taken....

 My two little tearaways

 A picture with Peter Pan!!

 And, Jessica's shoes. She stole my camera again.

It was a pretty cool laid back kind of a morning, which is unusual for my two with organised public events, and we even managed to walk all the way home (aided by three bags of sweets from the market) without me having to do any carrying. I am hoping for some sleep tonight as they are all most definitely shattered, although Toby hasn't got the memo that it has cooled down and is not managing with the heat today despite being fine for the past week at hotter temperatures, go figure. Tomorrow we shall crack on with the school holiday plans, and after 3 more days of school next week, all systems are go :D

The Blog I Didn't Write

So I was going to write a really intelligent and thoughtful blog about the recent media reports on proposed changes to school lunches. I thought about lots of things I could write, including the fact that it would take an age to get even a small school like my children's through the lunch hall if they all had school lunches, therefore it would be totally unfeasible. Also about how they could cater for severe allergies, restricted food diets by parental choice, and where would they draw the line at "exceptional circumstances" without being discriminatory. Another thought was that it would merely be a "look good" exercise, because I could quite easily pack my child a packed lunch full of vegetables, salad, brown rice and dried fruit and pretend it was all getting eaten but it wouldn't actually improve his health at all or help him learn to make independent healthy food choices. The same as serving all children a school lunch may look good on paper but it doesn't mean they will all eat it, in fact it may just create more food waste, more food issues and higher obesity issues due to a generation of children who wouldn't know how to make their own independent food choices and would think they had to clear all their plate and that a pudding was a "reward" for doing so. I was even going to write about how I'm not that bothered if they have a crack down on "unhealthy" lunches but only if they are equal and let packed lunch children have a cake for pudding the same as school lunch children get without getting all hypocritical about it. Plus there is the fact that they don't know what other food the children have at home so can't really judge whether or not they are having a balanced diet just from seeing one meal a day. I never send my 9 year old with vegetables because he isn't really into salad or raw veggies (plus he seems to only get 10 minutes to eat his lunch so anything that is too faffy is a no-no anyway), but he eats plenty of cooked vegetables every tea time. But hey ho. I had a busy week and I'm tired and I decided that I'd leave it to all the Super Mum Bloggers out there who somehow manage to have massively professional looking blogs AND children who are still alive every night at bedtime. Not sure how they do it, I seem to be able to actually keep the children alive and the house vaguely tidy OR creatively and attentively write about the best methods for doing so. Doing both in the same lifetime is rather out of my reach. I wonder if maybe when my children are grown up I could do it in flashback style. Maybe that is their secret, their photos are all 20 years old as are the events they are writing about..................................hmmmmmm conspiracy ;)

I have booked myself a couple of nights away with my littlest baby in just over a week, when the eldest two are at their Dad's for the week having fun. I keep having vague flashes of guilt that I am looking forward to some time just wandering around aimlessly, reading/knitting in an evening, eating a meal in peace (albeit with a baby stuck on my boob but lets not get unrealistic here), but then I shake myself and remember I am a person too and part of my personality is that I need to reset myself every now and again, get away from busy situations and stress and noise and just have a little bit of a break from, well, people.I may be an imperfect parent, but I'm perfect at being me, I just have to remind myself how to do that every now and again. And to be yourself is surely one of the most important life lessons a parent can give their child x.

I promise I will put some pictures up of our goings-on this month very shortly......................when I remember how to get the stupid things off my phone and it stops constantly bleeping at me because apparently the voltage is too high and it has stopped charging, despite the fact it is not even actually on charge....

The Important Things in Life

I have been hesitant to post as we had a trip to A+E on Saturday. Again. This time with Toby receiving a really scary head injury. Again. This time he didn't have to stay in but he has a very obvious injury to his forehead meaning we are constantly getting asked what has happened and when we tell people, getting constantly reminded of what could have happened; either by them telling us or just from the shocked looks on their faces. My poor brave little man who fell down the stairs at 5 weeks old and has two skull fractures, was hit on the head by a falling metal tv bracket and has a deep cut to the front of his forehead. How on earth he managed to escape with only a deep cut to the forehead goodness only knows. Probably the same way he managed to escape with only two fractures and no permanent brain injury after a fall down a full flight of stairs. He is such a chilled out relaxed happy baby that it makes us feel even worse that these freak accidents keep happening to him. This picture was taken shortly after he had just had his head glued.

So happy?? He was actually smiling at the nurses when they were cleaning it. My funny little chap. Surprisingly we have not had a social services visit. To be honest as much as obviously I don't really want one it disturbs me that two head injuries in 6 months hasn't been flagged up, no wonder so many cases go unnoticed until it is too late.

So that is my confession for the week. That my little baby has had another freak accident and even though it could have happened to anybody, as could our first accident, I still feel rather rubbish about it. I suppose any normal parent would, it would be rather unusual not to be bothered.

Other than that, my week has been filled with trying to get things done such as order school uniforms for September, pay for school trips, send admissions forms back into the school office, ring up about the council tax, send a complaining email to Sky, get the car hire booked for my sisters wedding, find something to wear to my sisters hen do, tidy the house ready for the Children's Centre lady coming to visit tomorrow and sort out our wedding guest list. In answer to your question of how many of these things have I done? None. Zilch. Nada. I have however done lots of feeding Toby, tickling Jessica, chatting with Adam and drinking tea with James. All the important things in life ;)

Some common mistakes that I make...

Sometimes, I yell at my kids when I'm walking down the street. Like on Sunday when we were on the way to the Salvation Army (so therefore making me feel even more guilty) and Jessica was walking on the wall and then refused to move until she had a drink. Except I hadn't brought a drink (bad mummy fail). Background to this is that she is experiencing a bit of regression this past couple of weeks and being rather challenging and I am doing my utmost to be really sympathetic and lovely mummy but sometimes I am kind of knackered and I snap because, well, I'm not perfect. So there she was stood on the wall, about 5 minutes walk from the Army, and she wouldn't move. She wouldn't even be picked up and carried. And I was just like "Jessica, what do you want me to do, magic a drink from thin air?? Seriously, come on, we can get you a drink when we get to the Army!" And she didn't shift and then I yelled at her "For goodness sake what do you want me to do, I can't do anything, please just come on!!!" And for the life of me I can't remember how we resolved this, I must have because we got there, I think I distracted her somehow by seeing something to look at or somebody to beat or thinking of somebody she would see when she got there, or something. But it certainly wasn't the shouting that got her to move, so complete and utter fail - one for shouting, two for doing it even though I know it's pointless and just makes her dig her heels in further. I hate shouting at kids, and I hate it even more in public because it isn't nice for them to feel like strangers are looking and that they should be talked to like that anyway especially in front of other people. But still, I sometimes do it because sometimes I just haven't had enough sleep and I've already said the same thing ten times, and sometimes just because like on Sunday I just do not know what to do. I have myself an amazingly stubborn and fiercely independent little girl who sometimes I just don't really know how to handle and so I make mistakes and learn how to do better the next time.

Tonight we made cookies, because she really would have liked to go to the park on the way home but the problem is we pass that park every single day and we can't go to it every single day because we would never get home - especially as she is even more reluctant to walk home once she has run about at the park. So we have a rule that we go on Tuesdays, that way it is easier to say no the other days. Today she really would have liked to go, apparently, so I said we could make cookies if we went home. That is bribery in a form, I suppose, so possibly not great parenting, but she happily agreed and walked most of the way home so I'm quite happy with my decision. We also did actually need cookies making for packed lunches so it wasn't an extra job or treat or anything. I left her alone in the kitchen to go see to something in the room, and came back to this.

"Is it ok if I put more sugar in?" was the question asked. Hmmmm. "Did you put more sugar in already?" I replied. "uhmmmmmm.....nooooo...." was the very drawn out answer. I wasn't convinced. "I won't be cross, I just need to know that's all, did you put more sugar in darling?" I asked in a very light hearted voice. "Yes, but just a little bit", was the truthful answer. "How much is a little bit?".........."Just two". Very helpful, I have no idea what that means - two grains, two handfuls, two spoonfuls?? I just say "Ok, that's fine, lets get you down and cleaned up", and hope for the best. They have turned out yummy so either I am a sugar junkie or more than likely she did just put two tiny bits in.
So yes, I also leave my child sat on worktops whilst I go into the room next door, and let her eat brown sugar before tea. I am sure some people will tell me all the terrible things that could happen, but then they don't know my daughter. As much of a fireball as she is, she wouldn't dream of doing anything like touching kitchen equipment, jumping about on a worktop, tipping the ingredients out (on purpose - obviously the floor needed sweeping after this bout of baking with helpful child involved), or eating the whole box of sugar. Sometimes, you have to stop yourself before you judge other people and remember that they probably know their children better than you do.

As an aside, I just went up to see Adam in bed and his actual words to me were "This has been an awesome Adam evening". This is something I have not heard him say in a while, and all we have done is a normal Monday evening of Xbox, Family Tea Time, eating a fresh baked cookie,  baths/showers and film watching. I guess children don't need expensive things, spectacularly massive treats or even perfect parents. They just need to feel loved, safe, and like their family home is a good place to be.

*Must try harder tomorrow......................................and must stop eating the cookies..........*

Standing in somebody else's shoes xxx.

When you see a parent carrying a 4 year old whilst pushing a pram with a 6 month old and holding a scooter balanced on their fingertips, instead of tutting that the 4 year old should be walking - Offer to carry the scooter, you don't know how tired the 4 year old is or how desperate the parent is to just get home.

When you see a frazzled parent counting their pennies because their toddler is demanding a drink AND chocolate, instead of commenting that they should learn to get what they're given - See if you can afford to help them buy the drink, you don't know how thirsty the toddler is and whether the chocolate was promised for walking instead of being carried or just because the parent didn't realise they had no money left and had left their bank card at home.

When you see a little girl running around with wild hair whose mother says she won't let her brush it, instead of commenting that YOUR child knows she has to do as she's told - Tell the mother it doesn't matter, it's not the end of the world, you haven't tried to get that particular child to have their hair brushed and you don't know how hard it might be.

When you see a Mama crying because their 4 year old child just plain won't budge and it's raining and their 9 year old is getting stressed and the baby is crying, instead of telling them it's their fault the children are like they are - Give the Mama a hug, give the 4 year old an incentive, tell the 9 year old they are doing a super job of looking after their baby brother, and offer to help them get home.

When somebody tells you they just can't work because their child just doesn't "do" childcare, instead of snapping that some people HAVE to make tough decisions - Believe them, not all children are the same, and they have probably worked with other children and DO know what it's like to juggle work, childcare and a house, quite possibly all by themselves without a partner, and even more likely feel guilty and like they have to justify themselves every single day.

When a Mama tells you they need some time out, a break, to feel less like a human climbing frame, instead of telling them that they should want to constantly be with their child otherwise they don't love them enough - Tell them that everybody feels that way sometimes, there's no need to feel guilty, and it's ok to need to feel un-mauled every now and again.

When you walk in a house where children live, instead of commenting on the mess - Be honest about how messy your own house is or how it would be if you had children, no cleaner, and hadn't slept in 4 years. If there is only one untidy room, do NOT focus on that one room, even jokingly.

Most of all, when you see a parent struggling, instead of judging, see what you can do to help. There are enough people in this world judging parents without us turning on each other. There is no such thing as a perfect parent - if you know you are doing it wrong, then at least you care enough to be bothered about whether or not you are doing it right........and as we tell our children, the most important thing is that you try your best, because sometimes, that just has to be good enough.

Plums From A Stranger

So, I have been very absent because we have been to DisneyLand Paris and we are moving house in TWO SLEEPS and I was ill. I am most likely going to continue being rather absent as we won't have an internet connection for a couple of weeks and I need to unpack the house and make it all lovely and "family home-ness".

Almost every night I have thought of things I could blog about, and many times I have almost picked up my phone and started writing, but stopped as I just needed sleep and I knew that if I started writing I wouldn't stop, and then as the days went by I just couldn't decide which thing to write about as so much as happened. I needed a break, and sleep. I had a virus last week which was, I think, a very mild stomach virus but my body decided that actually it was pretty tired and couldn't cope with a mild stomach virus very well so would just stop working for a couple of days and make me stay in bed. I was slightly ill Tuesday, woke up Wednesday morning feeling better, walked down the stairs and promptly passed out on the kitchen floor, giving myself a stupid burn/graze above my left eyebrow in the process. I was shipped back off to bed and the children were whisked away from me for most of the next couple of days, with the GP instructing me over the phone that bed rest and much fluids were needed so I did as I was told for once. At the weekend I ventured into Shipley with Toby and smiled at a lady at the bus stop because I had thought she was tucking into a chocolate bun then realised it was a plum and smiled at myself really for being daft. The lady then, bless her, decided that I needed her plums because I looked tired. I managed to persuade her I had lots of fruit at home (I didn't want to take the bag of plums she had just bought for herself?!) but she did insist I had one plum to eat on the way home because I had the little baby to feed and look after. I didn't tell her I had two more in case she changed her mind and tried to give me them all again! But it was a lovely gesture and the plum was very nice, and I find it refreshing when people are still just "generally nice" to each other these days, when there are so many reports in the news of negative events concerning friends and family let alone strangers. I don't want my children to be easily trusting of others, but I also don't want them to be automatically mistrustful, and scared to talk to anybody. Having a chat with a stranger at a bus stop can be an interesting 5 minutes, a break from a busy day, and can often give you another perspective on things. It is always good to have an open mind.

So, I apologise for not telling you all the interesting things that have happened this month and not sharing our amazing time in DisneyLand Paris yet. I'm sure I will get around to blogging about how Jessica's favourite spot was the Dragon's Lair and Adam's was all the caves and tunnels in Adventure Land, how amazing it was to see the looks on their faces when the light show came on and the concern Adam showed for his sister when she fell asleep just before it started and he thought she would miss it (she woke up as it started and stayed awake all the way through so no worries). One day I am bound to reminisce about Jessica having a fringe cut in her hair for the first time and, upon looking in the mirror, announcing seriously "Well I'll have to change my name now!" There was also Toby's first roll onto his side, his amazing little smiles and gurgles, the way he was a superstar on holiday despite not usually liking too many days out in a row, and his really ace new brand of cloth nappies that I absolutely love and want some more of. We have had many "made up off the top of my head to use up the contents of the kitchen" teas, all of which have been surprisingly successful and some that have made our "main go-to list" which will help with saving some money in the coming months. There will be further news of Adam's first foray into music with Cornet lessons, which apparently are going great, and he actually walked to school with a friend, with me very far behind (carrying a scooter, a Jessica, and pushing a pram with a Toby in it), and happily got there all by himself, so his confidence levels are having a surge it would seem.

But for now, I am signing off, because I have a really exciting few days ahead, with a real family home to be created and I want to focus on life, right now, as it happens. Sometimes I miss facebook and my friends on there, but the positive changes in my life I feel are worth it and I can't see myself going back anytime soon.