There's Always The Sun..................

How many times have you woken up and prayed for the rain?
How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame?
Who gets to say?
Who gets to work and who gets to play?
I was always told at school, everybody should get the same.

How many times have you been told if you don't ask you don't get?
How many liars have taken your money .... your Mother said you shouldn't bet?
Who has the fun?
Is it always a man with a gun?
Someone must have told him if you work too hard you can sweat

There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.

How many times has the weatherman told you stories that made you laugh?
You know its not unlike the Politicians and leaders, when they do things by half
Who gets the job?
Of pushing the knob?
That sort of responsibility you draw straws for if you're mad enough.

There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.

There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.

Tonight my words aren't making much sense. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling not good enough at many things. But I know, there is always the sun, there are always good times around the corner. I have learnt that much this year. So, because my words are not working very well, I am mainly talking through music.

And I'd just like to say....................

Hope to be back on top form shortly ;) xx.

A Flower Can't Be Beautiful Without A Little Rain

I have come to the decision, that I am actually quite please about moving house. It has come at a good time. The house I am in now, was perfect at the time. But it's like I have been in hibernation, a cocoon, and now it is time to step out. I needed somewhere to recover, rebuild, and start over. But now it's time to truly start over, and my new house is perfect for that. It is still near enough my mum's and school so as to keep my life uncomplicated. But it is also nearer many of my friends, or at least on an easier route of access. It is on the same street as Adam's best friend. It is next to a great park and nearer to the canal and Roberts Park, for more chilled out summer days. I can wander into Saltaire on the weekends and pick up my shopping, and have a potter around the shops. Those are my kind of shops, small and interesting and personal. The house, is more my kind of house. The room is cosy and snug, and the kitchen is big enough for a decent size family table for us to eat, and make, and work, and basically live on! The garden is an exploring garden, yet still secure and with flat areas for seating and play. The landlord seems to be lovely and actually gets things done. I am getting quite excited, it's a whole new way of life and is totally fitting for the place my life is at right now.
It is important, to look at things in a positive light. I was devastated about moving at first, but now I can see that it is actually opening up many new doors and opportunities. I have always wanted Adam to have somebody he could run out the door and go play with, and now he has. I have always wanted to be able to have a decent size kitchen with space for a proper table, and now I have. I have always wanted to be near somewhere with interesting and useful little shops and nice cafes, and now I will be.
These past few weeks have been a struggle that I had to get through, and now I feel ready and able to truly move on. I know what true happiness really is. It is being loved and accepted for who you really are. And I am at my new job, I am at the Salvation Army, I am by my lovely supportive friends who live local, I am by my lovely supportive BC friends who are spread far and wide, I am by my family, and I am especially by James. Right now, I am living my real life, the life of me, Dawn Martin. It is not all sweetness and light, there are dark patches and many grey times. But it is real and true and that is what matters.

"I could sing you a tune and promise you the moon, but if that's what it takes to hold you then I'd just as soon as let you go" - Love me for me, or don't even bother.

This song, is real. Life is not always that great, and I am not one of those people who can be all sunny and light all the time, and find the bright side in everything. I try, but sometimes I think it's inappropriate to find a bright side. Sometimes there isn't a bright side. And sometimes those people can be kind of irritating, they make you feel rubbish for not always being so happy and jolly about everything. A good quote going around facebook is "You should never apologise for how you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real".
But, if you accept me for who I am, then yes, we can enjoy the good times when they happen, and make the bad times bearable and struggle through them together. Life is never going to be all rose gardens and sugar sprinkles, but it's the only life we get, and sitting around complaining about the hand we've been dealt is never going to change anything.
Being yourself and being completely honest and pretty much baring your soul is pretty scary. But it sure as anything feels good to know that somebody knows every single little thing about you and is still around. It's a scary thing to do and it can mean some friendships don't make it. But the ones that do, they are real, and when you feel so incredibly secure in your friendships and your relationships, that, is when you can be really happy with your life, whatever it throws at you next.

And these, are my two little superheroes, defending their right to be eccentric little character-full people x.

"Change the voices in your head....Make them like you instead........."

I was asked, on Monday afternoon, by somebody that I would've least expected to hear it from, "But who's to say you made the wrong turns though?" That particular person asking me that, really really helped. So, ten years on, I am possibly going back to the place I came from, the place that brought me up and partly made me who I am, and the place where even now, I think I can belong. I think it would be nice, for my children to have somewhere to belong. This person also said, when I mentioned I had rather a bad time at the end of last year, that he thought that I was on the verge of that when I left. Ten years ago. So yes, sometimes, we need to go back, in order to move forward. And sometimes, the people we think will not approve of our choices (or indeed did not at the time), have also, like us, grown older and wiser and learned that sometimes things happen for a reason, and that the person I am today, is the person that I need to be in the world, and I couldn't be that person without the experiences I have had. Everybody is F**kin Perfect, that is how we were made, we just need to learn to appreciate and love each other's differences a little more. And quite possibly, cut back on the inappropriate language a little ;p So thank you Mr Bevan Spencer, for making me feel like I am still an important person in your world xx.

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

Tommorow, I am going to the funeral of somebody who can only be described as "One of God's Better People" - thank you Mr Robbie Williams for that one.
These two ladies, did more for more people than anybody else I know. And they did more for my family than anybody will ever know. I remember them as always being in my life, since I was tiny. They gave us clothes out of their jumble, and books, always lots of books. I credit Myra for my love of reading books she used to always give me ones that used to be her favourite when she was little. And I remember the time we were at a Salvation Army do, I must have been about 7 or something, and somebody told me my dress was beautiful, and I said in a loud voice "It's from Myra and Margaret's jumble sale" Hahaha my mum nearly died of embarrassment.
There used to be about 20 kids in their little flat on Thorpedge every Sunday, perched on chairs and tables and tops of chest of drawers, singing songs and listening to stories about Jesus.

"If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings
If I were a robin in a tree, I’d thank you Lord that I could sing
If I were a fish in the sea, I’d wiggle my tail and I’d giggle with glee
But I just thank you Father for making me, me
 

For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me

If I were an elephant, I’d thank you Lord by raising my trunk
If I were a kangaroo, You know I’d hop right up to you
If I were an octupus, I’d thank you Lord for my fine looks

But I just thank you Father for making me, me

For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me

If I were a wiggly worm, I’d thank you Lord that I could squirm
If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I’d thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair
If I were a crocodile,  I’d thank you Lord for my great smile

But I just thank you Father for making me, me

For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me "

And then we'd get split up into age groups for lessons and we'd learn all about Bible stories and do activities - all in their living room and bedroom and kitchen. They gave up their house to us, and gave us all biscuits. A lot of kids started coming just for the free biscuits, but they stayed coming for the lessons.

When I couldn't get in a decent school, these ladies looked after me for a month until my mum managed to get me in one. We used to haul the jumble to the wall by York House and spread it out and sell it to everyone. They used to tell me how much to charge people for it, but they always sold it cheaper than that. They gave me my first job in the post office at Christmas, helping sort out the toys for the Christmas club they had set up to help people save up for things gradually for Christmas. They used to come and help look after our house when my dad worked away and my mum was working too and there were us 4 kids to look after - I used to tidy my bedroom before they came otherwise I would get in trouble for not helping look after my mum, and then Myra and Margaret would come down and say "Dawn Martin I don't know how you sleep at night your bed is full of teddies" haha.

My sister used to live with them for a bit whilst she was doing her exams and she says if it wasn't for them she wouldn't be where she is now. Myra used to say, "My mum gave me a cup of tea after school and I sat down and did my homework then and there, and you'll do the same and you'll make something of your life".

I feel, like I've let them down. When Adam was a toddler I took him to see them, I promised that I would come to see them often and that he wouldn't become all grown-up without them knowing. But I didn't, and now he's 7, and I have Jessica who is nearly 2 and they've not even met her. And now it's too late, Margaret is gone. But I'm not going to let them down, I am going to make something of my life. They gave me so much, they gave me values and they gave me opportunities and they gave me work ethics. And I'll not let them down, I'll bring my children up right, and I'll take them to see Myra, and I'll carry on studying and I'll make something of my life.

Tomorrow, I will be remembering all of the wonderful things Margaret and Myra did, and I'll be saying goodbye to Margaret. But she will never be gone, she will live on in the hearts of all those children in Thorpedge, and all the people she helped to cloth, and the people at the Salvation Army that she was there for. And i will tell my children about her, and tell them that helping people, is what everybody should do. And, I'll tell them what Margaret always used to say - "Cold Hands, Warm Heart". And she'll be watching, and she'll be proud of me.

Space Hoppers Are Cool

I love my new job!!! I sooooo love my new job!!! It is the bestest nursery I have ever seen or heard of or worked in or anything!!! Sorry, had to get that out of my system :D
So, this month is going good so far. It's only the 2nd of March, but hey, let's be optimistic!
So, I am thinking of the penny thing. Now, I know, that the most excited people in the world to find lost pennies, are small children. Adam loves to find pennies and stash them in his moneybox. So I could leave pennies in the school playground. However, I imagine the teachers wouldn't be too impressed. From experience, it is amazing how much disruption one found penny can cause to a class of under 8s. So I think it is best to simply leave pennies in my garden for Adam to find. And Jessica, of course. Miss "I demand to be included and I will also get out of bed and get a book to read because Adam is doing" - yes that's right I can hear the patter of toddler feet above my head little monkey!!
I have done lots of jumping in the last 2 days. As it is absolutely freezing, so I have been having jumping races with the children at my new setting. But they have cool space hoppers and I don't :(
Ah, so the Spring Clean. Which may appear random, but it is linked to the Space Hoppers. My house is pretty well organised and clean, so I will be spring cleaning my garden and sheds. I am pretty sure Adam has a giant space hopper he got for Christmas, so we may be having a bash on that soon, would be worth a pic on here :D Oooh, if I buy another we could have giant space hopper races at my housewarming/Jessica's birthday bash :D
I am doing absolutely brilliantly well with my secret goal, although I wasn't supposed to be starting it until Tuesday, but something came up that kind of led to it semi-starting already, so yes, it is good.

This is a boring blog today, because it is just about how wonderful I am and how lots of good things are happening hehehe.
But, there is a lesson to be learned here. Things are only going well, because I sat up and told myself they were going to. I didn't set myself ridiculous heights to reach or unachievable goals. One step at a time. I'm pretty certain that I will be due a bad day soon, and things won't be great. But I have made lots of new friends recently, and re-connected with some old ones, and I know that I will make it through anything, with more knowledge of myself and the tools I need to make life happen. I am even thinking of attempting to get over my great zombie phobia :s
Now I am off to fish all the books out of the duvet covers and then have a TV catch-up because I am so damn organised that my house is clean and our lunches packed for tomorrow already :D

If you need help, ASK for it, and listen to THE song:
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker

"Yeah I'm Down, But I Know I'll Get By"

Ah. My house, 3 hours ago, was an absolute complete bombsite. You could barely see the living room floor, and every single kitchen surface was covered. And the floor was covered in dry pasta. So, I decided, tonight was the night!!! I planned my playlist, and I dug out my crisis clean plan. And after starting at 18.55, at 20.50 I was done. Is it pretty damn tidy? Yes. Is it completely finished? No. Do I have tomorrow night to finish it? Yes. So is there a need to kill myself completing it tonight? No.
We must learn our limitations. If I clean for hours on end today, tomorrow I will be tired, I will be fed up, I will not keep up with cleaning or feel like doing anything else, and by Friday I will be back in a mess. So, I promised myself I would finish by 9pm, and I have. And I still feel good. Now I feel like the rest of my week is achievable, if I can clear that much mess in that much time then the rest should be fine!
My favourite song at the moment is "Someday I'll be Saturday Night" by Bon Jovi. Take the time to listen to the lyrics, they're good :D
"Some day, I'll be Saturday night, I'll be back on my feet I'll be doing alright. It may not be tomorrow baby that's ok, I ain't goin down I'm goin to find a way...."
It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow. It doesn't have to be anytime. But one day, it will be time.
I have signed up for my next Open University course. I figured if I did the last one whilst pregnant and working where I was and the hours I was, then I should be ok haha! I've decided to alter course a bit though, as I've discovered recently that I really enjoy helping people figure stuff out. And, uhm, my therapist was stealing ideas from me today............
I feel like, since I started writing this, I have also started talking to people a lot more. I feel "amiated" nearly every day, and have also received some lovely messages from people about this blog helping them. Next week I am going on holiday and it's going to be strange, with no internet. But hopefully it will give me time to reflect and have space, and finish Isaac's birth sampler which has been sorely neglected in the past month!! Obviously, you will all miss me so badly that when I come back it will be to a zillion facebook messages practically begging me to write something, anything, immediately. You will be happy to know that I will be taking a notebook and pen with me to write down any strange bizarre wanderings my mind takes, and any scarily insightful remarks made by Adam. Also, I will be taking the camera to record all of the mishaps Jessica manages to get herself into and involve the rest of the family in. If you see any strange news on the tv concerning Dumfries, just pretend you never heard of us. But, that is not until Saturday, so I am sure to be back with my crazy ramblings before then. And on that note, I am off to eat cake and watch some sky plus in my lovely tidy living room xx.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow, You're only a day away.......

There is nothing negative allowed on this blog.
Some days, there does not appear to be a bright side. There are some things in life, that you can't make a bright side of, and if you tried it would be rather inappropriate. And some days, you can have a pretty major setback and not really know how to get out of there again.
Today, is Totally Wow Wednesday. And here is my Wow moment.
A bad day, can just be a bad day. It doesn't have to be a setback. Instead of letting it consume you, embrace it. Yes, it's a bad day, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, so just do what you have to, then watch tv, and eat junk. Tomorrow, you can start over. The slate will be clean. Just because there isn't a bright side, doesn't mean that it isn't all part of some future amazing plan.

"Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings." Ralph Blum

The song that's coming into my head as I write this is technically a Christmas song, but I think I can get away with it.
"Sometimes life is not all it can be
And here we are
Wondering just how far this road can lead
And here we are
And from the darkness shines a bright burning star
And who we are is changing within our hearts

One night, One moment
And everything's changed
One night, One moment
And everything's changed

Tonight is so pure and so special
We'll never feel lonely again
Cos we are all standing together
As friends
And everything's changing forever
One Night, One Moment"

Friends are the most important thing in the whole world. If you have friends, you can do absolutely anything. You can even clear your bio-hazard of a kitchen, get the bin put out before the binmen come, and get your toddler to go to sleep :D