The daily trials and tribulations of trying to be a perfect parent and totally and utterly failing because there is no such thing....................................
Every day I am pretty sure I do at least one thing wrong. Most days I do more. I used to think I was alone, until I talked to other parents who were honest. Here is a place for more parents to feel less alone, and more "good enough".
So, I have been very absent because we have been to DisneyLand Paris and we are moving house in TWO SLEEPS and I was ill. I am most likely going to continue being rather absent as we won't have an internet connection for a couple of weeks and I need to unpack the house and make it all lovely and "family home-ness".
Almost every night I have thought of things I could blog about, and many times I have almost picked up my phone and started writing, but stopped as I just needed sleep and I knew that if I started writing I wouldn't stop, and then as the days went by I just couldn't decide which thing to write about as so much as happened. I needed a break, and sleep. I had a virus last week which was, I think, a very mild stomach virus but my body decided that actually it was pretty tired and couldn't cope with a mild stomach virus very well so would just stop working for a couple of days and make me stay in bed. I was slightly ill Tuesday, woke up Wednesday morning feeling better, walked down the stairs and promptly passed out on the kitchen floor, giving myself a stupid burn/graze above my left eyebrow in the process. I was shipped back off to bed and the children were whisked away from me for most of the next couple of days, with the GP instructing me over the phone that bed rest and much fluids were needed so I did as I was told for once. At the weekend I ventured into Shipley with Toby and smiled at a lady at the bus stop because I had thought she was tucking into a chocolate bun then realised it was a plum and smiled at myself really for being daft. The lady then, bless her, decided that I needed her plums because I looked tired. I managed to persuade her I had lots of fruit at home (I didn't want to take the bag of plums she had just bought for herself?!) but she did insist I had one plum to eat on the way home because I had the little baby to feed and look after. I didn't tell her I had two more in case she changed her mind and tried to give me them all again! But it was a lovely gesture and the plum was very nice, and I find it refreshing when people are still just "generally nice" to each other these days, when there are so many reports in the news of negative events concerning friends and family let alone strangers. I don't want my children to be easily trusting of others, but I also don't want them to be automatically mistrustful, and scared to talk to anybody. Having a chat with a stranger at a bus stop can be an interesting 5 minutes, a break from a busy day, and can often give you another perspective on things. It is always good to have an open mind.
So, I apologise for not telling you all the interesting things that have happened this month and not sharing our amazing time in DisneyLand Paris yet. I'm sure I will get around to blogging about how Jessica's favourite spot was the Dragon's Lair and Adam's was all the caves and tunnels in Adventure Land, how amazing it was to see the looks on their faces when the light show came on and the concern Adam showed for his sister when she fell asleep just before it started and he thought she would miss it (she woke up as it started and stayed awake all the way through so no worries). One day I am bound to reminisce about Jessica having a fringe cut in her hair for the first time and, upon looking in the mirror, announcing seriously "Well I'll have to change my name now!" There was also Toby's first roll onto his side, his amazing little smiles and gurgles, the way he was a superstar on holiday despite not usually liking too many days out in a row, and his really ace new brand of cloth nappies that I absolutely love and want some more of. We have had many "made up off the top of my head to use up the contents of the kitchen" teas, all of which have been surprisingly successful and some that have made our "main go-to list" which will help with saving some money in the coming months. There will be further news of Adam's first foray into music with Cornet lessons, which apparently are going great, and he actually walked to school with a friend, with me very far behind (carrying a scooter, a Jessica, and pushing a pram with a Toby in it), and happily got there all by himself, so his confidence levels are having a surge it would seem.
But for now, I am signing off, because I have a really exciting few days ahead, with a real family home to be created and I want to focus on life, right now, as it happens. Sometimes I miss facebook and my friends on there, but the positive changes in my life I feel are worth it and I can't see myself going back anytime soon.
I find it hard to eat breakfast even though I love breakfast food. The problem is that I love bacon and eggs, porridge, pastries, bakes, fruit salads, yoghurts etc. I'm not over keen on cold cereal and although I love toast, I eat far too much of it. Fruit and yoghurt are easy in a morning but I don't always fancy the chopping (plain apple/banana/orange doesn't grab me) or the coldness plus the kids steal it........
So I am working on this problem, trying to get a filling yet at least slightly healthy breakfast down me without it looking too cold, costing a packet, going soggy, getting stolen or just really not getting made in the first place.
One of my successes is Slow Cooker Porridge. Made overnight so I have to eat it the next day as it's already there! I grate an apple into it to get some fruit in me, might think about adding some seeds in there too. But it does require forward planning and it is getting to summer.
So this morning I whacked the following in the blender -
1 banana
2 yoghurt tubes (peach)
handful of oats
2 heaped tsp of crunchy peanut butter
Milk - just put in enough to part cover other stuff, didn't measure
And then I drank it straight down and it was yummy! No hard work crunching fruit and didn't seem same as other cold food first thing. I could improve it's health rating by adding more fruit and getting some plain yoghurt in the fridge (just used what was there today) but overall I think we have another winner.
Need to investigate my pins for some other breakfast ideas, maybe home-made muffins could be a hit...........anybody have any other ideas??
So, on Wednesday I fell down the stairs. My right arm has been aching since, due to me having incredibly rubbish wrist strength anyway, and I've been pretty tired and have a slight case of "writer's block". When I got to the bottom I sat and cried, and just thanked God I wasn't carrying Toby this time. Less than 5 weeks now until we move out of this house. Not only are the stairs very steep, they also have rounded edges and just seem to have been put in by somebody who didn't like people very much. It is an ex-council house, what more can I say? Poor Jessica came to see if I was ok and brought me my phone to "ring Beard, he come home?" I did ring him but I told him not to come home, because I felt ok by the time I got through to him and I just wanted things to be quiet. I took Toby up to bed, extremely gingerly, and then Jessica, then I tidied around and wrote a list of jobs for James to do. We had kind of rowed as he'd promised to do lots of tidying that afternoon whilst I was out and had sat watching Dave instead, but not having facebook was good I think. Instead of venting on there, asking friends for advice, getting stressed, I just had a quiet time (after yelling at him of course), and worked through my feelings myself. When he came in he was really sorry, and he did everything on the list before he went to bed, even sleeping on the sofa so he didn't wake me early in the morning when he set off for work. Sometimes, people just don't think, it doesn't mean they do it on purpose, and there's no point staying mad if they're genuinely sorry and make amends.
Thursdays dont work very well for us. Firstly, I have to get all the kids to school for 8.45am as James goes out to work at 5am so he can't take Adam. Which I think is good as it will get Jessica used to going early in a morning before September, even if only once a week it's better than nothing. I get everything ready on Wednesday nights and it's all good, right up until the moment we need to leave. When something catastrophic pretty much always happens. Usually involving Jessica, although it can entangle all of us and frequently does so. This week we were almost on time, but hit a snag at the other side of the river bridge when Jessica suddenly had a meltdown and decided she couldn't possibly go any further because Adam and I had walked through the big gate instead of the small one. I don't think it helped that she had just pushed her way through the wind over the bridge. So I suggested to Adam he could actually run up to school from there, if I watched him over the road - he is capable of crossing that road by himself but I knew he wouldn't quite fancy that. So off he set with 5 minutes to go, and I turned my attentions to convincing Jessica to move forwards. Only to turn back around and realise Adam had moved about a foot and was stood by the fence sobbing. So I turned my attention back to him (Jessica was going nowhere fast), to be told that he couldn't possibly walk to school on his own, it's not safe. Now, how many people get told that by their almost 10 year old sons 5 minutes from school I wonder, aren't most of them begging to walk by themselves by the age of 8?? I reassured him we could walk together however (with an exasperated look backwards at Jessica), he would most certainly be 5 or 10 minutes late. He was fine with that, the child who hates being late for school would rather that than walk alone it seems. At least now I know. With less pressure, and a distraction of being able to take Adam into the office, we were soon underway and arrived exactly 10 minutes late. So next Thursday I shall set off 10 minutes earlier, we MUST be out of the door by 8.15am on the dot, so getting our coats on by 8.05am at the latest. We'll see how it goes...............................
Thursday afternoons don't work either. Jessica has PE, it's near the end of the week, and it's just me, her and Toby on the way home. So by the time we got to the corner of the road Jessica was already well on the way to meltdown-ville. Bearing in mind this is the first week back to school without a buggy board. It has been replaced by a scooter which works as a distraction but only half the time. Although it does cover ground fast when it is working, so I think it has a good success rate. Not this time however. I dared to suggest getting to the shop (about 10 steps away) and then deciding what to do, which prompted more tears and demands of staying where we were - dead on the corner where everybody was trying to walk. So, we had a big swap around. The raincover came off, the mei tai (that luckily I had left in the basket) was put on, Toby's coat came off and his jumper was put on, he was put in the mei tai and my baby wearing fleece was put on. Then the footmuff came off (this apparently is only for babies, according to the nearly 4 year old who wanted to get in the 3 month old's pushchair), which involved unpopping and pushing through of straps, the seat unit was turned around and sat up, and finally the 4 year old got in the pushchair. To get out 10 steps later so she could choose her snack from the shop. Luckily she wanted to get back in afterwards otherwise I'm not quite sure I would have remained so (outwardly) calm. So, off we set home, the day after I fell down the stairs and hurt my arm, pushing a nearly 4 year old in a pram, carrying a 16lb 3 month old on my front, with a bag full of raincover, footmuff and sweater swinging off one wrist and pram handle whilst a scooter handle was precariously clutched in the other hand along with the other pram handle. To add to this juggling act, the sweets Jessica had chosen had writing on which obviously needed to be read by me every 2 minutes along the way.
I don't really know how we can solve Thursday afternoons. In a way, that is the solution. At least we had no falling asleep on buggy boards or needing to be carried up hills (and then falling asleep on my shoulder) whilst pushing a heavy pram. I'm sure it was easier to push her in the pram and carry Toby than it was to push the big pram up the hill with her on the buggy board. And we didn't have any major meltdowns once I realised that I had the solution right there with me in the pram basket.
Sometimes, I guess, as parents, we have to realise there isn't an "easy" solution. That these little people are indeed little, and just can't always do what would be easiest for us. When they have had to walk to school and back 3 days already, and had to get up and out early that same morning, and then had PE, they quite simply can not manage that final walk home, even when a bright pink fast scooter is there for the taking. And that when they are asking us to dig into our reserves of energy and be a packhorse, it isn't because they are being mean or unreasonable, it's because their reserves are all used up. How can I, as an adult, refuse to tire myself out, when that is what I am asking my 4 year old to do?
Tonight I let them watch DVDs in bed, because I am tired and film nights always end up with arguments over films and a hyper Jessica who won't go upstairs at the end of the film and I have all 3 of them all weekend on my own for the majority of the time. So I know it's supposed to be bad for them to fall asleep watching DVDs, but it's bad for me to yell at them because I'm exhausted and I think this is the lesser of two evils. I can always blame their Aunty, she bought them the DVD players.
I wanted a chilled out relaxing "what will be will be" kind of song, but my brain isn't working well enough to find one right now. It is whirling around with pirate parties and house moves and information on HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) children which I have been reading with much interest in connection with Adam - I'm pretty sure you will see further blogs on this soon as I have a book on the way about it - always good to know your children well xx.
Sorry for the ramble, the wrongly placed apostrophes and the many paragraphs of text. At the moment I'm still working on figuring out my life, so sometimes you might see building work in progress instead of a sleek well presented finished article xx.
Recently I am struggling immensely. My to do list is never ending, my house is bulging at the seams (the man keeps selling things but then buying more with the money?!), and I have been waiting for a move date since November to a bigger house due to the owner being messed about by people he was buying from. So now, we finally have a definite secure date to move, at the end of May. I thought this would make me feel better, that everytime I got annoyed at stubbing my toe on an airer, or falling over 5 things in a row, or having to move the entire kitchen around to be able to sit for a family meal, or Jessica literally climbing the walls, that I could think "Only ... weeks". And I'm doing that, but it's not working. Because oh my goodness it's like the last pregnancy trimester, the clock seems to have stopped and wow is it dragging! Every little thing in this house turns into a big thing, the children are stressed, James and I are stressed, there are so many daily arguments and I am just hoping we make it to the new house intact.
I feel like packing would make me feel better, but we have no space to pack or place to put anything that we pack. We already have a ton of stuff boxed up at my parents that we could live without for a month or two. It's now been 4-5 months and the children want their stuff back. The plus side of that being that when we move they will have shedloads of 'new' stuff to play with whilst we unpack :-) Although Toby is growing out of his carrycot already so I may need to fish out the new pushchair that "We definitely won't need until way after we move so it can just go straight to my parents in the box" hahahahahaha.
Of course, have to look for the plus sides ;-) And we are amazingly lucky to have found somewhere local and spacious and within budget. But seriously, please give me strength, leeway, whatever for the next 8 weeks, I may seem grumpy and as up and down as a hyper 3 year old, but I promise things will improve soon. This year will be a good year, many unforeseen events have turned into positive future opportunities, and after all, it is Only 8 Weeks!!!
Jessica displaying crazy Mummy's feelings surprisingly accurately.....
It appears that there is only so much information a head can hold until it starts to revolt. I think my head is starting to get a bit full.
I know that in a few months, everything will be fine and settled or at least on it's way to being, but sometimes knowing that isn't enough to get you through without a little bit of stress on the way. And it annoys me when if I talk about being stressed or needing a rest, I get comments about how having a third baby will be harder and he will be with me all the time and I shouldn't have planned to have him if I couldn't cope, blah blah blah.
For one thing, who said I couldn't cope?? Needing to vent, a hug, chocolate, some sleep, time to eat, somewhere to offload, that doesn't mean you are not coping, it just means you are ensuring that you CAN cope. I can cope, my children are fed, James and I am mostly fed, we have clean clothes (albeit often from the laundry basket rather than the drawers), all of the bills are paid and on time, the children get to school on time and with all letters signed and money sent and according to the teachers are delightful and happy, and sometimes I can even see the living room floor!!
Plus it's not about having a third child. It's about having everything happen at once, regardless of any other commitments you might have. If you thought about what could or might happen and what you could cope with and should do and commit to in case various scenarios happened, you would remain locked in your childhood bedroom in your parents house I would imagine. Right now, I often feel that I just don't have the time to be pregnant, and that this pregnancy is surplus to requirements in this current situation. I hasten to add that it is not surplus to requirements in my feelings or James or the children or anybody else. I simply mean that everything is ever so busy that to be honest this pregnancy has passed in a blur and I have somehow reached 31 weeks without even realising (possibly because I miscalculated and did think I was a week behind this......), and that there is so much going on right now in my family that I forget I am pregnant half the time, never mind everybody else.
I haven't a clue when we are moving house. We know we have a house to move to, which is something to be grateful for as so many people are struggling to find somewhere affordable that meets their needs right now, so I know I am lucky in that respect. We know it is most likely some time in the next 2-3 months, and that we can start packing things we don't use often and store them at my parents. Which, on the surface, is great, lots of time to prepare and save up and get organised, right?
The fact that those 2-3 months also include Christmas, the current lease renewal date, and the baby's due date are a slight issue. The fact that my Dad would usually help us move house and is due in for an operation in the next 2-3 months is also an issue. And that my Nana is in a rehab home and my Mum and Aunties are spending the majority of their time either visiting her to make sure she is looked after properly (because she isn't being), or trying to figure out where she will go when she comes out, is another slight issue in this plan. Add to this scenario that my 3 week old niece has just been diagnosed with CF meaning my sister is rather overloaded with information and tired, and that I have to go for pointless genetic counselling (pointless since I have already talked it over with my sister and James and my GP and am not dumb and the NHS is supposed to be short of money) in order to be able to be tested to see if I am a carrier. And that Adam would quite like to meet his biological dad soon please, if you don't mind, just to make sure he's not dead because somebody at school said he might be dead, and that would be sad if he didn't meet him before he died. Oh and then there is the news that my little brother is due home in a couple of weeks, great news and Adam is ecstatic, but means another heap of emotions in my head and another things currently being sorted out and paper-worked and planned by the family. So yes, it's kind of a busy 2-3 months. And I'm kind of tired. And I'm tired of people telling me that I'm tired and doing too much and they're worried I'm not coping.......................but not actually doing anything to help, and instead making it sound like it is all my own fault, when actually no, I wasn't aware that this was all going to happen when I got pregnant and even if I was single with no children I would imagine it would've all been a bit stressful and busy anyway.
The general gist of this is, don't ask somebody if they are ok if you don't want to know the answer, or if when they do tell you they are tired you are simply going to start telling them how tired you are yourself or how tired everybody they know is. And that it's probably not a good idea to decide to get pregnant when everything seems to be quiet because it will probably all explode shortly afterwards and you'll just mostly end up forgetting you are pregnant. And that just because somebody needs to vent and is tired, doesn't mean they can't cope or that they have too many children, it just means that too many things are happening and they need to let some of it out of their head, and if they didn't then THAT would mean they weren't coping, because it is BAD for your health to keep it all inside and not vent and THAT is when you stop looking after yourself and your children and not coping.
I am not complaining, just in case anybody gets the wrong idea. Ever since I was little, I have loved that my family is big and it is messy and it is often quite like a soap opera. Because it means that there is always somebody there, and always some comedy storyline behind the main tragic and stressful ones. It means that Christmas is busy and fun and that there is always somebody somewhere who can pick the children up from school if you pass out on a bus. It means I have lived in houses with not much heating and thick jumpers and moved from bedroom to bedroom as people moved out and moved in, and I truly appreciate being able to let the children buy chocolate on the way home from school, but still want them to know that playing at the park is cheaper and healthier than constantly buying new xbox games. It means that there is always somebody else taking the limelight or the attention so you can just quietly get on with your own life without feeling like you need to please everybody. And one day, I am looking forward to having my children and grandchildren around keeping me busy and needing money and help with childcare and advice on how to deal with mixed up 9 year olds and wild 3 year olds. Because in my family, somebody, somewhere, will have been through it and know what they are talking about, and that is always a useful resource. But that doesn't mean that everything is roses and I don't need a bit of a rest, or that they don't.
Just give people a break. You don't know everything about a person, remember that. Half the time they don't even know everything about themselves.
And because life is crazy, and this is totally irrelevant to this entire blog post, this is the song that is in my head right now. I guess because it is fun and like a bit of a whirlwind and to be honest doesn't make any sense at all the lyrics are pretty much a jumble of whatever they fancied saying, like life and my family, you have to just go with it and get on with it because what else is there for any of us to do.
Well!
I don't really know why I gave up writing. I think, I was at a stage where the original purpose of this blog had finished, I was happy with myself again and had lots of reasons to, just simply, be alive. I was at a crossroads where I had to decide whether to stop writing or to change, develop, evolve. People were telling me I had lots to give, stories and tips to share, cooking advice (I make everything up as I go along), cleaning tips (I blag it), child-raising tips (see cooking advice)...........and I felt under pressure to organise my blog with meta tags, categories, etc. So I decided that I was giving too much of myself away, and ignoring my own advice to other people, which is to always prioritise your home life first. So I quit.
Looking back, it was the right thing at the time but now I miss it. I don't think I would be giving too much of myself away, I think rather I need to not try to make it perfect. Not organise it with meta tags and filters and categories unless I feel like it (first I would have to learn how to actually use them anyway.........). And make no apologies for that. So I'm back. But I'm not promising regular posts and I'm not promising structure. I'm not promising that every post will be useful, and many may be self-indulgent ramblings like this one. But I do promise that I shall be writing with honesty, and in my own style. And what more can anyone offer.
So, today. Today is October!! I do love this time of year. It is a funny time, between about now and February, they are my favourite four months. Yet they are also bitter-sweet and hold none of my children's birthday, family holidays, beach trips, long school holidays, garden days or any of the other things that I enjoy during the rest of the year. So why are they my favourite? I guess there are many reasons. And this may be a re-occurring theme of my blog for a few months, as there is no chance I can fit them all in this one.
It's the time of year when you can focus inwards on your family without feeling you are being rude. The nights are longer and start earlier, the weather can be unsociable, and everybody is either saving for Christmas or paying it off. More of the events organised are family ones, and you don't need to de-fuzz, tan, or wear skimpy unflattering clothes to attend!
This, however, is what also makes it bitter-sweet. Many special memories from the past are hidden in these few months, not just for me but for other people too. It can bring on a feeling of nostalgia, and it is important to remember what you have NOW, as well as remember what you had then, to avoid getting lost in the feelings. There is no need to forget treasured memories, indeed it is part of who we are and should never be lost. But it is important to remember not to dwell. I believe there is a line in Harry Potter that sums it up well, when Harry has spent much time looking in the Mirror of Erised and Dumbledore says to him
"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live, remember that"
We are all guilty of this at times. This is part of the reason I am starting to write again, I myself have realised that recently I am constantly saying "When we move...........when the baby comes..........after my sister's wedding....................after our wedding.................when Adam finishes primary school.........when Jessica starts sleeping.............", as if these events are necessary before we can just "live" our lives. When actually, we are living them now. I am often guilty of not living in the present. I reminisce about the past, and I plan (somewhat excessively!) for the future. If I don't put a stop to this now, I can guarantee that when all of the above life events have happened I will simply find more to fill that gap. I have recently taken up knitting. When I knit, I sit and I knit something that is going to be used now, in the present. I am also working on a blanket for the baby, that will be used not that far in the future. I think this is helping me re-focus on what is happening now and enjoy the life I have. And there are new memories in these 4 months to remember, and indeed still to have. I met James in February 2011, which seems crazy to me as that was only last year and I feel I have known him forever. When we actually properly "got it together" is rather vague and I couldn't pin it down to one day, so I choose to remember the night we met instead, even though nothing at all happened between us and I left that night not even dreaming that I had just met the man I was going to marry. Although he did leave a good impression having waited outside with me for my taxi and offered me his jacket to keep warm. Here is a picture from that night, and with hindsight, I like it. Apparently, according to Roj, it was pretty obvious he liked me as he tidied all his room a couple of weeks later for me coming for tea, which anybody who knows James will know is rather rare ;)
I still find it crazy to think that this was only last year. Of course, one more memory to be made, in that vague "he's not coming til after Christmas" time that Jessica classes it as, is that the baby is due in January. As of next Thursday I will be 6 months pregnant, which has gone rather fast (and, as all mothers will know, now slows down to the speed of a snail for the last 3 months). The children are both rather excited, Jessica has developed a positively lovely interest in all babies and toddlers and is even happily giving her things away to them, and Adam is just busy telling everybody that "it's ok, we are having a boy, I LOVE Jessica but I don't think we could have survived another one of her.........", and I gently have to remind him that there is no guarantee what the baby's personality will be like. Bless, he is under the illusion that he was and is a perfect child. But, of course, in many ways his illusion is correct, as both of my children are perfect..........for themselves. As are we all.
This is a great song. When I listen I remember many many times. Some good, some sad, but all are important times of my life that have made me "me", and now it is time to have some more.
My head is rather swimming these days. Every day I seem to find something new to learn about, become interested in, to want to be involved in. I see other people doing things, looking things up and researching, trying them out with their families and friends. And I wonder, how do they do it? Sometimes I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water, keeping the house tidy and organised, ensuring Adam is doing ok at school and has everything he needs, ensuring Jessica is happy during the day and we do enough "stuff" ie painting, baking, drawing, lego building, outdoor time etc etc.
I tie myself up in knots, and worry do I come across as superficially interested in things? Or am I interested in too many things? I love music, but I couldn't go into it in depth like many can, I don't know details about bands, even the ones I like, and I often can't remember the titles of songs never mind their hidden meanings. I love to play, and understand musical notations, but couldn't sit and discuss them with you or how they could be improved upon to make a particular piece sound better.
I love writing, and reading, but don't always know what a "homophone" or an "oronym" is until I look it up.
I am interested in home schooling and know the law regarding it and how it would benefit my eldest child, particularly through secondary, but haven't seen all of the lectures on youtube or read all of the research papers on the subject, and I don't know what the latest buzzwords mean.
I never seem to have time to catch-up with friends, hurried text messages here and there, but I do still care about them. There are some I have grown apart from, but others I keep trying to organise meet-ups and then it falls by the wayside, does that mean neither of us are making enough effort, or just that we are both busy, do I worry too much about this? I have one friend who lives in London, I see her maybe twice a year if that, and talk on facebook, but I definitely count her as one of my closest friends, so maybe I need to stop factoring in that my other close friends live nearer and regard them the same way - we talk when we can, we see each other when we can, and we still deeply care about each other and would always be there if needed.
I see things I would like to do, learn to knit, crochet, make my own wedding invitations, make scrapbooks from our boxes of "photos and things saved as have memories attached to them", japanese number puzzles, cross-stitch.............but I never do any of them, or I start and then leave them unfinished. Does this make me flaky, or just busy, or just forgetful of giving myself time for me?
I want to tone up my stomach and legs, but I do exercise a couple of times and then let it fall by the wayside again, as an un-necessary extra.
I wonder if I am one of those people that others say is all talk and no do. But it's not that I want to be all talk and no do, it's just that I don't have the time?? Do I need to make the time? Is it that many other people just have one or two interests and I have too many and can only dip into each one at a shallow level?
I get things, and care about them and get immensely caught up and passionate about them, such as bullying at school (especially secondary school). But what do I do about them? I think in my head about how it could be tackled, things schools could do, things the police and government could do. Then I think of the feasibility, the age of the perpetrators, the parents of the perpetrators, the fact that people change and if a child has a record at 14 does that label them for life, but if they get it expunged at 18 then do they see it as not mattering so they might as well carry on with their violence and intimidation of others? Does a 14 year old know better, is it their parents fault, is it fair to prosecute parents instead of the child, can there BE a blanket rule for this or is it another one of the "too complicated to legislate and would cost too much as each case is different so we'll just sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not happening" situations, that seem all too frequent these days.
I see people getting passionate about terms and conditions on websites, liability for copyright material used, and I think why am I not bothered? Why do I just see it as "that's life, use it or don't". Should I be bothered? Am I naive? I don't see it as naive, I do know of the issues, I just don't see they are going to change and usually are interpreted sensibly, so perhaps I put too much trust in the fairness of the justice system - even though I know it is flawed, so really I am a complete walking contradiction?
Is everybody like this? Do we ever truly become "grown-ups" and really figure things out. I think I know what matters these days, but just find it impossible to fit it all in, and impossible to think "well I will just concentrate on ONE interest and ONE thing to be passionately campaigning about and ONE thing to try and improve in my own life", because it just doesn't work like that for me?
I'm not really sure, that there is an answer. All I know is that I am not superficial, I do care really about everything I talk about, and if people think I don't, they don't really know me. I get upset when people make presumptions, judge situations without knowing both sides. I allowed myself to get upset the other day about my ex making it out to his friends I am a control freak, when from my point of view, I am trying to regain control of my life from how it used to be when I was with him. Does that make me a control freak or does it merely make me normal, wanting my own life to be my own life? Does me not wanting him to call the shots mean I want to be in control, does that make me the control freak now? It hardly seems fair. But really, why do I worry what he is saying to his friends, and what they think of me, when they are not my friends? I think it's because I try so hard NOT to say things like that, that I make excuses for him, be understanding and considerate of why he might be acting a certain way, yes sometimes I do rant and get annoyed, I think that's normal, and especially when I find out he has said things about me that aren't true. But on the whole I really do try hard to make sure people don't think bad of him, that the children don't think bad of him, and I guess I find it bloody unfair that he doesn't do the same for me and then I find it hard to carry on doing it, being the bigger person and all that.
But really, I just need to be grateful and happy and think of the positives. I am happily engaged to somebody I truly can see myself being with forever, I have a nice place to live, the children are happy and progressing well (in my opinion :P), they have a good dad who sees them regularly, I have lots of family and friends and am in relatively good health. I need to forget about the people who don't know me and judge me (or who even know me yet judge me), and just feel sad that they don't have a happy fulfilled enough life to not need to focus on other people's shortcomings.
I think it's time for the ten things that are good about my life list again people, make us all feel good :D Do your own list, throw away the negatives and just think of the positives
1. I have two children who are amazing and beautiful and kind and just awesome
2. I have found a partner that I truly fit with and who my children love
2. I live within reach of a city, and countryside, a canal, river, parks, farms all within walking or short public transport distance
3. I get good, free, healthcare and relatively cheap eye and dental care
4. My children have access to education and by law are also allowed to be educated at home if I wish
5. I live near a library, greengrocers, butchers, supermarkets, many different restaurants and cafes
6. I am allowed to attend the religious service of my choice and freely talk about the religion of my choice without fear of arrest
7. When needed, I am able to get financial help from my government to help me live, although this seems to be under threat at the moment I hope pressure from the public and many charities will ensure as a country we continue to provide for those who need it and ensure people do not continue to slip below the poverty line
8. I am allowed to campaign and speak my mind about subjects that concern me, and pressure the government to change things, and vote for changes, without fear of arrest
9. I am in relatively good health
10. I have a nice house to live in, with all the necessary furniture and electrical appliances and a garden for the children to play in with a shed and toys to play with
It doesn't matter if other people think I am superficial in my thoughts, I know what I care about and what I know about and the time I have to be involved in it. I do need to try and make some time for myself, but I also need to stop worrying how it comes across to other people.
I like this song. I know, there are some areas in my life, where I could have made different choices. But I am loathe to say better, because the choices I made have brought me where I am today, and I'm not sure today could be any better. I like to not have regrets, to think that everything was part of the end result. I attend church again now, and sometimes I feel uncomfortable, that I should feel ashamed or sorry for things in my past, but I refuse to, and then I wonder if that means I shouldn't be going? I have always had principles, and they may not fit in with the ones that other people think I should be living by but I also don't think they were bad. I never had sex with anybody I didn't deeply care about at the time. I did use drink as a way to get away from myself at times, but when I felt I needed to, and it worked, and enabled me to put my problems away for a while and be me, and then feel more able to tackle them again in a couple of days. I always tried to think of others, sometimes too much, and pretty much everything I did felt right for me AT THE TIME. I won't feel ashamed, or wrong, or bad, because I didn't do things knowingly wrong to hurt others or with a bad intent in mind. And the thing is, the things I have said, others may think "well I have, does that make me bad?". No, it doesn't, if those are your choices, the fact is I made mine and others made theirs and nobody can judge one another's. Just because I felt it was important not to do something, doesn't mean somebody else did, so I would never force my opinions on to somebody else's life. Does this mean I shouldn't attend church? Sometimes I think that, but mostly I just keep quiet when people talk about these things, or walk away, because I refuse to allow somebody to make me feel judged when they don't know the truth. I think of it as "their issue", and not mine, and as the way they chose to live their life, and it would be wrong of me to tell them they are wrong, the same as it would be for them to tell me, so I just choose to not have those conversations. I don't know if this is a cop out, but it keeps me sane.
So one of my guilty secrets is that I watch Teen Mom on MTV. Only the original one, and mainly just because of one family in it; two of the others irritate me and the fourth I'm just indifferent to although they can sometimes be sweet.
Maci, the teen mom with Bentley, I just really identify with. I mean by the time Adam was born, I wasn't even a teen mum. I was kind of in no-mans land, too old to be classed as a young mum but not old enough to really fit in as a "normal" age mum. All the mums at antenatal class were about 5-10 years older than me, and all the mums at the "young mums" group were younger than me (or had been when they had their kids). But still, to me, I was a young mum even though I wasn't still at school or anything. Maybe it was amplified by the fact I was single and not working by the time he was born, who knows, but it doesn't really matter how it's classified or viewed by others, it's just how it actually felt to me that matters.
On the teen mom blurb, Maci is classed as the clever one, over-achieving, bright future etc. Then she has Bentley, and they may not say this, but to me when she is starting to think about dropping out of college and wanting to be a stay at home mum, and have another baby, it's not because she is lazy, it's because she is an over-achiever and wants to be perfect and good, and if she can't do it in the way she was going to before she had Bentley, with a career etc, then one way she can do it is by having the perfect family for him, and being the perfect mum. I can identify with that. I think, reflecting on it, that is what I have tried to do. When I was at school I was in all the top sets, I didn't really like coursework so didn't massively crack on with it or even do much revising, but I still got Bs and Cs and began my A levels. When everything started going on in my personal life when I was doing my A levels, I left to get some control and just start over, but still I had goals and aims, and even whilst working in the library I remember sitting there working out a plan to do my A levels in the evening and go to Uni and have a career etc. Then I got pregnant, and everything changed, I guess I figured I had to work with what I was given and if I was going to be a mum then I was going to be a pretty damn excellent one.
I guess I have tried to be pretty much every type of mother there is, in my quest for perfection. I started off being a "stay at home mum", but didn't want to be seen as a "young mum on benefits" so went to college to gain education. I went into early years training as I love kids - I'd originally wanted to be a teacher at school, and figured it would be a good job for a mum if I could get an early years job in a school and have the holidays off etc. So this was my "college mum phase". I was at college/work experience, Adam was in day nursery and that worked for a while. It also gave me a chance to "be a teenager" and figure myself out a little, like all my friends had had the opportunity to do, but without neglecting Adam or being a bad mum because he was well cared for in day nursery and I was studying at college not just slacking off without him there. It was hard work, I remember when he used to get up at 2am until 4am every night for a month, then we would have to get up at 6am to get ready for college, and I'd be running down the road with him in the buggy, sometimes speed-walking all the way to Saltaire from Windhill because we'd missed the bus. And the time I sat in agony crying my eyes out because I had a tooth abscess but had to get my assignment in for the next day and couldn't have anymore time off or leeway as I'd used it all up when he was sick. Or the time he threw himself down the stone steps at the flat and I had to leave him at my mums for the day because I couldn't miss the child protection talk. And crying on my tutor because his day nursery was closing down and I couldn't find another I liked and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't easy, yet I look back on the time thinking it was one of the most fun times of my life, crazy huh. We used to have fun times, a lady on the bus used to give him books every week because she thought he was so good, and I left about 3 buggies on buses :/ Me and Heidi got matching buggies as we'd seen them on sale in Mothercare haha!! One time, I'd just picked Adam up from nursery, it was 6pm and dark as I'd been working late at the library, had all my files with me and all his nursery stuff, and halfway over the road his pram broke, just literally snapped down the sides. I was shattered and had no money for a taxi, and it was freezing, I just rung my mum crying and she came picked me up. One of many "last straw" days, but we made it through and I qualified :D
Then came my "Single mum working school hours" phase. I got a job in a nursery school, thinking it would be perfect as I could have the school holidays off with Adam, and found a great childminder for him. He started a school nursery too, and it was great. But then, he kept getting ill, and was so ill one week they tried him on 4 different antibiotics, and that's when he was diagnosed with kidney reflux. I was torn in half, felt guilty for being at work, felt guilty for not being at work, felt like I hardly saw him except for the holidays. I decided to look for another job where I didn't get the holidays off but worked different shifts/hours so could have a more "normal" life and do school drop-off, morning assemblies, have time off for his nativity and stuff.
So then I started my private day nursery job, this was my "full-time working single mum" phase. Typically for me, I ended up taking on more and more responsibility at work and becoming room leader. Adam would sometimes come to work after school so I could work over as I hated to say no if they needed somebody, or my parents would have him. I was taking work home, doing far too much. And then Paul and I decided to move in together and create the family environment that I wanted Adam to have. We started buying a house, and then Paul had his accident. So that was another thing to get through, another thing to feel I needed to "get right", making sure I was there for him and keeping everyone updated, still working, looking after Adam, making sure the house buying went through - scary stuff buying a house first time and I ended up doing it alone, thank goodness for my Dad helping me out. Doing all the packing and all that stuff, and dealing with the aftermath of an ofsted inspection at work. It was a pretty stressful time, but it was always a case of "well when Paul's better, when we've moved, when work is sorted" etc etc etc...........one day everything would be fine. But I think you need to realise that life will never be "fine", there's always something happening and you just have to learn to live at the same time, not wait for it to be over.
So we moved house, settled in, started my open uni course and started trying for a baby. Really wanted to create that proper family unit, and prove to people that I wasn't just a "young mum" and that I was still clever like at school. Was stressful, working full-time, looking after Adam, doing a Level 4 uni course, and being pregnant. But I guess I still felt I had a lot to prove. When Jessica was born, I tried to do everything right, which obviously didn't work out great as I'd done better with Adam when I'd just used my instincts, but hey we all learn these things over time. So that was my "2 working parents with career aspirations, 2 children, owned house" phase. After a while back at work though, I realised I wasn't focused on my job enough, and if I couldn't be perfect at it, well, I'd rather just be perfect at what I already had on my plate - a stay at home mum.
So began my "dad at work, mum at home with kids" phase. And it worked quite well, until our relationship broke down and I just realised I wasn't happy anymore with my life, and maybe I had rushed into it, wanting Adam to have a Dad and a family, and we had now grown apart. It's hard when there are children involved, if you're with somebody for 5-7 years it's hard enough to split up, but when there are children too you feel like "growing apart" is not a valid enough reason, until you realise that whilst you are so unhappy and ill, you really aren't being the best mum you can be, and that is not in the children's best interests at all. We were only 20 when we met, and he never knew me before I was pregnant, so maybe we should have seen it coming, but you never know anything until you try.
When Paul and I split up I went back to my "Single mum on benefits" phase, but with 2 kids this time and not quite as young, although still only twenties so not exactly old! But I didn't want to stay there, I just took a couple of months to lick my wounds and then decided to try out the "Single mum working school hours" phase again. I found a great job, with a lovely group of staff, albeit a bit far away. I had a few childcare issues as Jessica wasn't used to being away from me and was quite attached, but finally sorted it all out. But again, after a while, the usual guilt-trips set in, the days off for the children being sick, the missing certificate assemblies, the 2 hour bus journey with the toddler in the freezing cold, and then I started getting ill myself with all the worry and the rushing around. And I decided that enough was enough, people could label me however they wanted, but I was going to do the best for my children and myself, and if that meant having to be on benefits so I could be at home for them, then that's what was going to have to happen.
So now, I am once again a "single mum on benefits". And maybe, it's where I need to be right now. But I still feel myself trying to over-achieve, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly to plan, that Adam always has everything for school and goes on all the trips and cub camps, and that Jessica does enough activities during the week, and they eat good food, and I stay on budget and still afford them nice clothes and good shoes and trips to the cinema and they don't feel "poor". And I don't know why I'm bothered because when I was a kid I KNEW we were poor, I knew my clothes came from Margaret and Myra's jumble or Bevan's clothing bins, I knew we got given pasta and cheese from the next door neighbours when my Dad lost his job in the 80's, and I knew I didn't have the uniform with the logos on, and that we went to Butlins with the Salvation Army and Junior Soldier camp because we were given help from the fund. But I wasn't bothered one inch by it, I was happy, so why I think my kids will be bothered goodness only knows??? I never wanted for anything, and I had more My Little Pony's with proper play-sets than any kid in my class cos Bevan found a load in a clothing bin and gave them to me. By the time I was at the age where I would've been bothered, we weren't really poor anymore. And by the time my children get to that age, they'll be independent enough that I'll be out working again and we won't be poor anymore either. We're not poor on that scale anyway, welfare reforms have seen to that, and I am pretty awesome at living and eating well on a budget :D
I've rambled here and lost my point. The whole point of this is, I get Maci, I get her wanting to have another baby even though she was only 19, she didn't really mean it or think it was a good idea, but she wanted to "achieve" in the best way she could, as a mum, and felt like she needed to create the perfect family for Bentley to do that. She wasn't being naive or dumb or young - if she was doing that she would've gone on to have another baby. She was just trying to figure out a way to be herself, be the "best" at things like she used to be, in the situation she had been given.
These days, I still know I have to watch myself, that I need to relax and let Jessica just chill out and play with her toys and watch TV for a day if that's what she feels like doing, and hide under the kitchen table and cut her hair. And I need to let Adam play on the Wii for hours and not worry about it cos the next week he'll probably choose to play out every night after school so it all evens out if I just let it happen. And I am just letting it happen. I'm not staying at home this time because I'm playing a role, this time I know it's right for me and the children, and that it will be right when James moves in too, and when we get married, and if we choose to add to the family in the future, that it will be right if I just go with how we feel, rather than try to do it for a reason or at a certain time or in a certain way. It's still important to work with what you've been handed, and make the best out of it, but it's important to also make sure you find "yourself" whilst you're doing that. Sometimes, you just have to let life happen to you, and it turns out being the best thing you ever did.
The only perfect mum thing that I'm hanging on to and can't let go of, is that I promised Adam I would take him to Disneyland Paris one day, before he started upper school...............that one, I have to make happen somehow.
This question has occurred to me quite frequently in recent times. I share quite a lot, that many people wouldn't share. I talk about my feelings, and my down days, and my finances. I vent, and I often share stories of my children, positive and negative.
Am I showing off? Am I attention-seeking? Am I asking for pity or help?
These are things that some people, mostly those who don't know me well, may think.
But no, none of those. If nobody read this blog, it would still be here, I would still write, because the outpouring of words is why I write. However it may not be in the same vein, I guess, as I do know people read and I do sometimes write with that in mind.
I write about money, and my financial struggles, not for pity or for help, but to raise a general awareness of the fact that living on benefits is not easy, is not all about the families you see on TV and in the Daily Mail with their 8 kids and 4 TVs and 3 dogs and holidays abroad blah de blah. I write so that people can see a real person and maybe, just maybe, will make them stop and think before judging the next person who says to them tentatively "well I stay at home at the moment but I am going to be looking for work in the future and I have worked before".............because, well, saying "I'm on benefits right now because it's how life is" is somehow seen as shameful. People quite frequently say to me that they know I'm the kind of person, in the kind of situation, where they like to see government money going, where they can understand, and like the fact that we have a benefits system in this country. And I hope, that makes people also realise that there are many people out there like me, that in fact the majority of people are like me, and the papers seize the minority and sensationalise it, like a game of Chinese Whispers when you're 9 years old. So that is why I talk about money on my blog, and on facebook, because the more transparent I am then the less I can be judged, if people dislike or judge me after transparency, then really, they're not my friend, and I'm better off knowing that and getting on with my life without them in it.
When I talk about my children, I'm not showing off, I'm being proud, I'm being anecdotal, and often I talk about the messes we've got into together, the parenting mistakes I've made and the way I have tried to make up for them. I write about this, because it is me and my feelings and who I am. And because, it is important to tell all, to show the full picture, to enable other parents to know it's not just them, they're not "bad parents", they're human and alive and this stuff happens to everyone and always will. There is far too much competition and expectations these days of how we bring up our children, and I like to try and combat that with a bit of the old unvarnished truth. But that doesn't mean I can't talk about the awesome totally cool things they've done, and if people want to call it showing off, well that's their look-out, I just call it sharing the good stuff :)
And asking for pity? Oh no. I share how I feel and some of the things that have made me feel that way, because again, there is far too much shame and shadows surrounding the world of emotional and mental health. Far too many people who are afraid to ask for help for fear of being seen as weak, or crazy, or having their children taken away from them. Too many people who don't know what to say when they ask a friend "Are you ok?" and the reply is "No actually I'm not" instead of the standard "Yeah fine thanks".
Sometimes I am asking for help, and that is ok, it is ok to ask for help, another thing that needs to be more widely accepted. Are we in this world alone? Are we on individual islands with no means of communication or travel? How ridiculous, we are part of a community and we should use our own and each others strengths to make life better, otherwise we may as well be all in isolation booths.
It is always nice to know that there is somebody out there who has been or is going through the same or something similiar to you. That you're not mad, or wrong, that you don't need to simply "get a grip".
I write this blog, because of all of these things, and because, quite simply, it's my life and I can.
This is another funny one. A good time to be ill? The children timed it perfectly with their chickenpox, after I'd finished work, after the Christmas festivities, and whilst they had lots of new toys to play with whilst stuck at home. The weather was rubbish and despite the itching and lack of sleep it was nice to have some family "time-in". Now, it appears I am ill, and it is also a good time. I suddenly developed a bone-aching cough at around midnight last night (or this morning, depending on your take on the matter), and didn't get back to sleep until after 5am. I didn't even doze as I sat on the computer playing Japanese number puzzles to try and take my mind off the fact I was unable to even breath without it being followed by a bone-aching coughing fit. My shoulders, arms and wrists ache every time I get one of these coughs, I'm not really sure on the reason but just put it down to my weak wrists and imagine I will most likely get arthritis of some description when I'm older. Ah well, there are worse things in life, or so I'm told anyway :P
But it is a good time for this. This week I have really kept up with my own personal take on the FlyLady routines, and my house is gorgeously clean and homely, a lovely place to curl up and watch TV in whilst I get better. I couldn't really have timed it better. I do have the children back at 5.30pm, but I also have James coming over after work and to stay all Sunday too, so all will be good. Have been offered a lift to the Army on Sunday morning as well, so feeling very settled right now. Things appear to be falling into place rather well. I guess, when you take the bull by the horns and decide it is the right time, then the right time comes along.
Ecclesiastes 3
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build
A time to weep and a time to laugh
A time to mourn and a time to dance
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.
I'm not feeling overly great, and appear to have completely forgotten how to move photos from my blackberry to here. I will ask James to re-teach me, and will be back very soon with pics from this new time in my family - of leaf piles, buns, nail varnish and the re-emergence of Adam's World War II obsession :D
I'll leave you with this.......................it's stuck in my head, and it's not really aimed at a particular person, I think rather just the whole of my life and the people and places in it right now..........................I chose this version more because the video is more "me" than the Elton John one, usually I would go for the original but the images in this sum up much of what are really the best times in life.....................just to be.
"Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah"
Tis nearly the new year of 2012 people!! And I think, the time has come, to make it a good one.
"We weren't born to follow, come on and get up off your knees, when life is a bitter pill to swallow, you gotta hold on up to what you believe...Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow, and that your saints and sinners bleed, we weren't born to follow, you gotta stand up for what you believe"
For who else can make it a good one for us? We hold our own lives in our hands, and those of our children, and whilst many factors influence what happens, the ultimate decisions are down to us. For some of us, we may believe our lives are in God's hands, but personally for me it still all comes down to your own choices, God can only guide, not do for you.
I personally feel, that the next year, and many more to come, will be good ones. Because I, as a person, am stronger, and happier, and more able to not only support my own decisions, but also support my friends in making theirs. If we all help each other, then we stand strong - it is easy to knock down a few bricks, but a whole wall cemented together? That is pretty damn hard to do. So this year, if you want it to be a good one, if like me you are fed up of the bad ones, then stand together with your friends, your family, and control your own destiny. And then, whatever the year throws at you, it can never get through to your inner core, and that is what makes you you.
OH, AND, I have a camera again!!! And a netbook!!! So I can become more ever-present again in all your lives, and re-do my blog for the upcoming year, and you have to admit that will surely make the year more amazingly wonderful that it is already going to be ;)
It is my birthday tomorrow - I will be 29, shocking ;) - and then 2 sleeps until Christmas Day, and finally, finally, I am feeling Christmassy!!!
I don't know where this Christmas Spirit came from, or how it jumped upon me so unexpectedly, but I am willing to overlook it's sneakiness and embrace it ;)
Maybe, maybe it's because I met a good friend for a coffee and saw her beautiful engagement ring and am so so so happy for her, and Adam said she will look like a princess on her wedding day because she is beautiful, awwww.
Or maybe, it's because yesterday, a friend who I have only recently become properly back in contact with, was so kind to bring me milk and juice so I didn't have to break my promise to Adam about not leaving the house all day.
Or maybe, it's because another friend is being so kind as to take me shopping for my Christmas food tonight so that I don't have to get a bus or taxi, and another friend also offered to take me if my original plans fell through.
Or maybe, it's just because, just because of all of these things, these people, these friends.
This is from one of my favourite Christmas films, Nativity! A film about seeing the best in people, about following your heart, and about forgiveness and seeing the real meaning behind all of the glam and glitz of Christmas. About loving, and helping, and just seeing what life can be, if we can only make it so. Yes, do you know, this year has been hard, for so many people I know. But I think, we are all pulling ourselves out of it, and definitely for me it has only strengthened the ties I have with many people, deepened true friendships, and made me appreciate the "real" things in life.
When I originally started this blog, none of my aims for the year were to be rich, to own lots of things, or to do anything massively ludicrously expensive. Not because I was being sensible, but because I was being truthful and open, because mostly, it's the "real" things in life that make us happy. The people we share our lives with, the times we spend with them, and the ways in which we enrich our own lives by putting time and effort into ourselves. The next year is forecast to be hard, by the financial experts, by the media, by the government. But who are they to control our lives and our happiness? Of course we need enough money to live on, enough food to eat and fuel to keep us warm, keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. But the essence of our needs, the real need of people, is to be loved, to be "part" of something, in a community of people, and to feel like we are cared for, for who we truly are. And we can do that whatever the banks or newspapers or politicians say. If you do one thing in 2012, be yourself, "Sparkle and Shine", and show the world the reason that you are loved, because we all are loved by somebody xx.
And finally, because I am not sure I will get on again beforehand, seeing as tonight I need to clean up the glittery green playdough the children have left all over the table, hang the paperchains on the ceiling, wrap all the presents, do my Christmas food shop, and start the process of making yummy sticky sausages for my birthday tea tomorrow........................I'd just like to say...............
How many times have you woken up and prayed for the rain? How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame? Who gets to say? Who gets to work and who gets to play? I was always told at school, everybody should get the same.
How many times have you been told if you don't ask you don't get? How many liars have taken your money .... your Mother said you shouldn't bet? Who has the fun? Is it always a man with a gun? Someone must have told him if you work too hard you can sweat
There's always the sun. mmmm There's always the sun. Always, always,always the sun.
How many times has the weatherman told you stories that made you laugh? You know its not unlike the Politicians and leaders, when they do things by half Who gets the job? Of pushing the knob? That sort of responsibility you draw straws for if you're mad enough.
There's always the sun. mmmm There's always the sun. Always, always,always the sun.
There's always the sun. mmmm There's always the sun. Always, always,always the sun.
Tonight my words aren't making much sense. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling not good enough at many things. But I know, there is always the sun, there are always good times around the corner. I have learnt that much this year. So, because my words are not working very well, I am mainly talking through music.
It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm sorry about that...................well really I'm not :P I'm been kinda busy, and everytime I've thought to sit down and post, it's just not happened, I've found something else I've needed to do. It has, admittedly, been a rough couple of months. I'm not 100% sure why, if I'm honest. I think I've felt at another crossroads, yet again, and to be honest, it felt like one crossroads too many. Like, you know, why can't my life just settle down for a while, what's with all the decision-making having to happen all the time? But I'm a parent, that's my job. I'm not just responsible for my life, I'm responsible for 2 other peoples aswell, and every single thing I do, say, think about, it impacts on them and affects the people they will grow up to be. Sometimes, in the past few months, I have cried. Sometimes I have laughed. Sometimes I've just sat and not moved. Everything has felt rather overwhelming quite a lot of the time. But I've got on with it, who else is going to do it? And now, finally, I feel like things are coming together, like life is possible again.
It has been, almost exactly a year, since I was ill. Where I am now is a lifetime away from where I was this time last year. And Christmas, well Christmas is around the corner. And my birthday, naturally :D I will be 29, the last year of my twenties. I'm not bothered about getting older, it genuinely doesn't concern me. In many ways I like it, becoming more secure and happy about who I really am, and knowing that the friendships I still have are real and meaningful ones. But I do feel that I need to celebrate this last year in some way. And I'm going to do it by having a fab Christmas. I have not had a great Christmas since, well, I can't even remember when. 2010 I was having a breakdown and then Jessica and I got the flu. 2009 Adam was sick. 2008 I was pregnant, and Adam was sick. 2007 we were under threat of Ofsted at work, trying to buy a house, packing up the flat, and Adam was sick (and 2 weeks later we got Ofsted and Paul had his major car accident). 2006, Adam was really sick as it was when all his kidney reflux came out to play. 2005, Adam was really sick, with a "virus" similiar to measles, and I was snowed under with college work. 2004, I was snowed under with college work, Adam's biological father decided he didn't want to see him at Christmas or actually ever again. And Adam was, shock horror, sick. 2003, Adam had bacterial septicaemia meningitis. 2002, I was pregnant, single, unemployed and didn't know what to do. 2001, I had an engagement ring thrown at me with words similiar to "I was going to ask you to get engaged but now I think I like *other girls name* so I need to think for the next couple of weeks, but I've got nothing else to give you so why don't you just put it on another finger for a bit while I decide"
So this year, is 2011. And this year, I have planned Christmas out already. I have no big expectations. I have planned, to the finest detail, a chilled out, quiet, friends and family Christmas. And it is my Birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20s. And it will be good, and fabulous, because I am with my friends, and family. We may not have a lot of money, we may not have a lot of *stuff*. But we are happy, we are together, and that is all that matters. There are many people out there who do not have what I have, they do not have somewhere to live, food to eat, their children with them. I need to count my blessings, and believe me I do. Oh yes I do.
I am sat here, worrying, that I have lost £108 out of my wage this month. And trying to work out a budget to feed us for a month and still enable us to have Christmas food, take the kids to see Father Christmas, and buy the few pressies I still need to get. But do you know what, what is the worst that could happen to me? I have family, I have friends, who are there to help me. I live in England, we all complain about it but we have the benefits system, we have the housing system, we have hostels and free medical care. If I lived in another country, the worst that could happen is that I could be homeless with my children and be unable to feed them, or myself, and we wouldn't be able to access the medical care we needed. That is a lot lot worse than anything I have to face. And that, is an important thing to remember. Always be grateful for what you DO have, not what you don't. Make the most of what you have, instead of wasting your life away wishing for things that are not there.
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"
It's time to get back to the original purpose of this blog. Now is the time.
I can't quite get myself to go back to the diary, as much as I love it and love the lists, it is somewhere that I needed to be at the time, something I needed to do to get me going, kick-start me. But to go back to doing it now would be too prescribed, too structured, I think I've moved beyond that phase.
Let's refocus on The List Of The Year :D
The children have been on adventures, we have been camping and they loved it - well I'm not sure that Uncle Stuart loved driving around for an hour in the car getting Jessica to sleep on the first night but it's all a learning curve ;) We have moved house twice in the year, which is an adventure in itself, and have re-started Salvation Army attending. Now it's Autumn we can go for crispy walks in the woods and wander along the canal all wrapped up snug and warm with the promise of hot chocolate and warm cookies on our return.
I do believe I am getting better at photos. I am smiling more, letting it be about the moment, and not stressing *too* much. The only problem I have is when you're stood there smiling and there is a massive delay on the camera and your smile starts to feel fake and you feel like a clown. I'm still working on that one.
I went to Bingley Music, spent most of the time in the kids area - which was absolutely fantabulously amazing - but did go down to the music field for a bit and Adam actually loved just standing there for a bit, so next year I think we may try to do it on a more organised scale with more people, blankets, etc. Jessica should be that bit older to make it more do-able anyway. Adam's highlight of the day was seeing "The Teenagers!!!!" from the army, bless him.
I think I'm learning to like myself, I'm sticking up for myself more anyway, it's a work in progress. I'm definitely happier now that I've got my keyboard adaptor working, and have managed to find a tenor horn to loan. I feel I can get back to my self that way. I'm not the greatest piano player in the world to be fair. I can do two hands and I can do my scales, but my fingering is quite often pretty poor and I can never do all the chords and extra bits. Hopefully I play with expression and that makes up for the bad technical skills! So that covers my aim to re-learn the piano. The Tenor Horn is a different story. Well it used to be. I can play that, it's my instrument and I'm good. Many people play it as a poor second to a cornet, there are too many cornets in the band already, or they can't reach the top notes so get "downgraded". Not me, I love the tenor horn. I did start on the cornet, as most learners do, and yes I struggled with the high notes. But when I moved to the tenor horn I fell in love. It's my favourite instrument in the world and it even looks good. It's less pushy than the cornet, it's not there at the front saying look at me look at me. But it's there, it's sound is there in the very centre of the band, and quite often with lovely haunting solos just coming out of nowhere. I just hope I can still play after all this time. I sat in the living room last night with my fingers in the air and seemed to remember the fingering of all the notes, just like riding a bike, so fingers crossed.
I still can't dance, and really I think that's on a back-burner. Not everyone dances, some people prefer to be on the sides with the music. Maybe that's part of who I am, and do I really need to change that? I'm not sure.
My friends I am talking to more. And some old friends I am definitely talking to more. And some even older friends I am talking about important things with, sharing and overcoming past issues. You can't get any more real than that. I have lost a friend or two, but the ties with others have become stronger. And that is what counts. One of my friend's mums said to me, you can't stay friends with everyone you have to do what's best for you, as long as you don't go around purposefully hurting people then that's all you can do.
I haven't been looking on the bright side. My blogs have been rather dark, and I've been slipping, I know that. But this is start-over day. This is the bright side peeking out and making itself known again.
I am laughing more. I laugh with James, mainly. He just can't help himself. I laugh at work, and I laugh with the children, and I laugh with friends. Lightening up is the order of the day.
My house is getting there. I have let it slip slightly in the past week or two but it was tidy enough for me to do that without it causing absolute chaos. I am aiming for Christmas, by Christmas it will be beautiful. This Christmas IS going to be a good one, I know it, and will make it so.
Organising my photos and making memory books and finishing Isaac's birth sampler have all been on a back-burner. I needed to get my head together first, and learn how to relax and let myself have me time again. I seem to never sit down, sit still, or just be. Hopefully I am getting to a place where I can start doing that again, and then, when I am there, they can be brought to the fore once again.
Eating properly and toning up have been a challenge. I was eating properly but then with everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks I just kept forgetting. But I'm trying, I really am, and that is all I can do. I have James here making me food and reminding me to eat, so fingers crossed it will all work out ok. And I will get back on the Wii Fit one day, as with the photos and cross-stitch it has been waiting for me to allow time to myself first. I was going to join Zumba but I've decided it's just too far outside my comfort zone to work, and also I want to go to band practice again which is on the same night. And will definitely enhance my life far more than Zumba. I know myself better these days, and that is a definitely correct choice.
The cinema is a story in itself. I haven't been every month, and not for a while, but I have been more than I used to and I have seen films I would never have thought of seeing. I saw Thor and Captain America and actually enjoyed them, so will be going back more often and trusting in other people to choose good films. As long as there's nothing scary in them. I still always remember when an ex took me to see "Resident Evil". He knew I was terrified of zombies, and because I am a completely naive person to computer games I didn't have a clue what it was about. I couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards, even now thinking about the storyline can make me lie in the centre of the bed with my eyes wide open. So, I complained to my ex before him about this. And he told me how bad this was, how he can't believe he did that. And then, he took me to the cinema. To see 28 Days Later. REALLY?! Now I research all films thoroughly for even the slightest mention of zombies, undeadness, viruses, before getting anywhere near the cinema building. I am open to different genres, but NOT THOSE!!!
So now I am going, as I have a 2 year old yelling at me from the living room for "BEEEBIES MAMA MORE BEEEBIES!!!" And we need to get dressed and get to the army. But I'll leave you with this final bit of wisdom..................
Ok...........so I have just seen a new feature on this and it says I have had 4008 page views??? Wow that's an awful lot. Admittedly some are probably me re-reading my blogs, but still I think that is an awful lot, best up the quality of my writing ;)
I am currently sat on the sofa. I should be tidying up, packing Adam's things for camp, washing nappies, getting organised, and going to meet James. But it's not happening, I'm just sat listening to music. I know this is not necessarily good for me, but it's where I am right now. I'm kinda hoping that by writing this out, it may enable me to kick-start myself back up and out there again, into real life. It's been a rough week, too many thoughts and feelings crowding out my head and taking me back to the past where I so don't want to be, but where I need to be to reclaim my own life back. I keep thinking what if, what if I had done things differently, what if I had spoken up for myself back then, what if I hadn't been scared, what if I knew I had a choice. And I keep getting angry, angry that my life is about this now, that it's bleeding out into my life, that it's no longer tucked away all neatly in its little box.
I found this song. I like it. Stupid Boy.
If you think this is about you, or somebody you know, it's extremely doubtful that it is so before you get all offended or offended on somebody else's behalf, please get a grip and remember that not everything is about you.
And that's the point. Stupid Boy. And she ran away, she was long gone. But what happened when she was tired of running? What then? What happened when she realised that to reclaim the part of herself that the Stupid Boy took away, she had to go back and sort it all out? And why does she have to do that? Why does SHE have to do all that, when HE can just carry on with his merry little life regardless, oblivious?
WHY?
I know why. It's because she is the winner. She is the one who can say "stupid boy, you're still stupid, but me, I'm right up here with my life and all is good". She just needs to learn to believe that. And stop trying to make her life perfect, stop trying to be completely perfect at absolutely everything to prove to him that he didn't win, that he never will win. Because she already is perfect. She already is perfect just the way she is, with all her flaws that make her human, with all her guilt that makes her a good parent, with all her hurt that makes her understanding, with all her baggage that makes her accepting, with all her sadness that makes her wise. She doesn't need to keep fighting to be accepted and loved ,because she already is. She already is.
It's been a while. Things have been happening. I've broken my camera which creates a problem as it means I can't share in the way I would like, I can't build on the pictures and talk through experiences. I'm trying to win the lottery to afford a new one but so far it's not happening..............
And then just when I was thinking of coming back, my laptop screen also got broke. Super duper this life.
It's so long since I've been on here that they've changed it. It says it's a clean easy to use interface. I find it rather cold, distant, unfriendly, uninviting. Not somewhere that makes me want to write about my life. I'm sure I'll get used to it, everything changes. Some things end. Somebody once said to me "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I can never decide whether or not they were wrong. If something bad is happening, then surely it's good when it ends. But is that still a good ending, because surely it not happening in the first place would've been better really? Can bad things ever go away, have an ending? Or do they remain always there, even when you think you have resolved all the issues.
It's Autumn now, one of my favourite times of year. I like it when the air gets colder and you can go for long crunchy walks and have space to think in your head without having to worry about sunburn or dehydration, or your nose and toes going blue and falling off. I have lots of things to look forward to at the moment. Adam is going on camp and moving up to Cubs. We have devised a system involving a mind-jar and a swing-ball set for future episodes of stress so as to prevent pouring any more money down the drain. Jessica is loving her new childcare arrangements and is talking a lot more since she sent her dummies to the babies in hospital via the dummy fairy. I'm somehow managing to keep the house tidy and sorted, keeping up with work and friends and have even done some Christmas shopping. Amazing huh.
One of the reasons I haven't written since the last post in August is because I have been working through something that is never going to be shared on here, and that I am still working on even now, even though really I thought it would be dealt with and over as soon as I got it out in the open. When you shut the door on something, and then re-open it a long time later to fix it, it's pretty damn hard to make it fit behind that door again. And this is supposed to be a positive space, and I am trying really hard. But sometimes I just want to get off the train and hide down a siding for a while. I was looking on YouTube for the perfect song to go with how I'm feeling. I couldn't find anything, just took a wander around and found all different memories from my past.
This is what I mainly listened to when I was 18/19 -
And this is what I find myself often listening to these days.
"Cos even when I'm a mess I still put on my vest with an S on my chest..." Bit of optimism there for you ;)
When you hide something, put it away, and then come back to it later, you can't just resolve it by telling the right people, having them hug you and apologise and move on. Instead it becomes part of you, something you carry with you, along with everything else. You feel better than when it was hidden, but you don't feel better than if it would never have happened in the first place. So then, you end up feeling angry all over again at the person who caused it. And that is not an easy problem to resolve. But I'm working on it. Partly I just need to stop reinventing myself, and let myself be the person I am, even if sometimes that reminds me of the past. By losing all of my past self, all I do is let the person win. And that can never be a good thing.
