So, on Wednesday I fell down the stairs...............

So, on Wednesday I fell down the stairs. My right arm has been aching since, due to me having incredibly rubbish wrist strength anyway, and I've been pretty tired and have a slight case of "writer's block". When I got to the bottom I sat and cried, and just thanked God I wasn't carrying Toby this time. Less than 5 weeks now until we move out of this house. Not only are the stairs very steep, they also have rounded edges and just seem to have been put in by somebody who didn't like people very much. It is an ex-council house, what more can I say? Poor Jessica came to see if I was ok and brought me my phone to "ring Beard, he come home?" I did ring him but I told him not to come home, because I felt ok by the time I got through to him and I just wanted things to be quiet. I took Toby up to bed, extremely gingerly, and then Jessica, then I tidied around and wrote a list of jobs for James to do. We had kind of rowed as he'd promised to do lots of tidying that afternoon whilst I was out and had sat watching Dave instead, but not having facebook was good I think. Instead of venting on there, asking friends for advice, getting stressed, I just had a quiet time (after yelling at him of course), and worked through my feelings myself. When he came in he was really sorry, and he did everything on the list before he went to bed, even sleeping on the sofa so he didn't wake me early in the morning when he set off for work. Sometimes, people just don't think, it doesn't mean they do it on purpose, and there's no point staying mad if they're genuinely sorry and make amends.

Thursdays dont work very well for us. Firstly, I have to get all the kids to school for 8.45am as James goes out to work at 5am so he can't take Adam. Which I think is good as it will get Jessica used to going early in a morning before September, even if only once a week it's better than nothing. I get everything ready on Wednesday nights and it's all good, right up until the moment we need to leave. When something catastrophic pretty much always happens. Usually involving Jessica, although it can entangle all of us and frequently does so. This week we were almost on time, but hit a snag at the other side of the river bridge when Jessica suddenly had a meltdown and decided she couldn't possibly go any further because Adam and I had walked through the big gate instead of the small one. I don't think it helped that she had just pushed her way through the wind over the bridge. So I suggested to Adam he could actually run up to school from there, if I watched him over the road - he is capable of crossing that road by himself but I knew he wouldn't quite fancy that. So off he set with 5 minutes to go, and I turned my attentions to convincing Jessica to move forwards. Only to turn back around and realise Adam had moved about a foot and was stood by the fence sobbing. So I turned my attention back to him (Jessica was going nowhere fast), to be told that he couldn't possibly walk to school on his own, it's not safe. Now, how many people get told that by their almost 10 year old sons 5 minutes from school I wonder, aren't most of them begging to walk by themselves by the age of 8?? I reassured him we could walk together however (with an exasperated look backwards at Jessica), he would most certainly be 5 or 10 minutes late. He was fine with that, the child who hates being late for school would rather that than walk alone it seems. At least now I know. With less pressure, and a distraction of being able to take Adam into the office, we were soon underway and arrived exactly 10 minutes late. So next Thursday I shall set off 10 minutes earlier, we MUST be out of the door by 8.15am on the dot, so getting our coats on by 8.05am at the latest. We'll see how it goes...............................
Thursday afternoons don't work either. Jessica has PE, it's near the end of the week, and it's just me, her and Toby on the way home. So by the time we got to the corner of the road Jessica was already well on the way to meltdown-ville. Bearing in mind this is the first week back to school without a buggy board. It has been replaced by a scooter which works as a distraction but only half the time. Although it does cover ground fast when it is working, so I think it has a good success rate. Not this time however. I dared to suggest getting to the shop (about 10 steps away) and then deciding what to do, which prompted more tears and demands of staying where we were - dead on the corner where everybody was trying to walk. So, we had a big swap around. The raincover came off, the mei tai (that luckily I had left in the basket) was put on, Toby's coat came off and his jumper was put on, he was put in the mei tai and my baby wearing fleece was put on. Then the footmuff came off (this apparently is only for babies, according to the nearly 4 year old who wanted to get in the 3 month old's pushchair), which involved unpopping and pushing through of straps, the seat unit was turned around and sat up, and finally the 4 year old got in the pushchair. To get out 10 steps later so she could choose her snack from the shop. Luckily she wanted to get back in afterwards otherwise I'm not quite sure I would have remained so (outwardly) calm. So, off we set home, the day after I fell down the stairs and hurt my arm, pushing a nearly 4 year old in a pram, carrying a 16lb 3 month old on my front, with a bag full of raincover, footmuff and sweater swinging off one wrist and pram handle whilst a scooter handle was precariously clutched in the other hand along with  the other pram handle. To add to this juggling act, the sweets Jessica had chosen had writing on which obviously needed to be read by me every 2 minutes along the way.

I don't really know how we can solve Thursday afternoons. In a way, that is the solution. At least we had no falling asleep on buggy boards or needing to be carried up hills (and then falling asleep on my shoulder) whilst pushing a heavy pram. I'm sure it was easier to push her in the pram and carry Toby than it was to push the big pram up the hill with her on the buggy board. And we didn't have any major meltdowns once I realised that I had the solution right there with me in the pram basket.

Sometimes, I guess, as parents, we have to realise there isn't an "easy" solution. That these little people are indeed little, and just can't always do what would be easiest for us. When they have had to walk to school and back 3 days already, and had to get up and out early that same morning, and then had PE, they quite simply can not manage that final walk home, even when a bright pink fast scooter is there for the taking. And that when they are asking us to dig into our reserves of energy and be a packhorse, it isn't because they are being mean or unreasonable, it's because their reserves are all used up. How can I, as an adult, refuse to tire myself out, when that is what I am asking my 4 year old to do?

Tonight I let them watch DVDs in bed, because I am tired and film nights always end up with arguments over films and a hyper Jessica who won't go upstairs at the end of the film and I have all 3 of them all weekend on my own for the majority of the time. So I know it's supposed to be bad for them to fall asleep watching DVDs, but it's bad for me to yell at them because I'm exhausted and I think this is the lesser of two evils. I can always blame their Aunty, she bought them the DVD players.

I wanted a chilled out relaxing "what will be will be" kind of song, but my brain isn't working well enough to find one right now. It is whirling around with pirate parties and house moves and information on HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) children which I have been reading with much interest in connection with Adam - I'm pretty sure you will see further blogs on this soon as I have a book on the way about it - always good to know your children well xx.

Sorry for the ramble, the wrongly placed apostrophes and the many paragraphs of text. At the moment I'm still working on figuring out my life, so sometimes you might see building work in progress instead of a sleek well presented finished article xx.

Plans? You have plans? We three children laugh in the face of your plans...

So, I deactivated facebook. This morning I woke up feeling very relaxed and motivated. Toby had to be at the doctors for 10.40am for his injections and we managed to get there almost on time without any Jessica meltdowns. She rode her scooter all the way to saltaire roundabout which is up quite a hill, we missed the original bus I had planned to catch but I saw that she was trying her best and reminded myself that it was me who should have given her more time to get up the hill. So I encouraged her rather than getting cross, told her it didn't matter about the bus and just got the next one. We were only a few minutes late for the doctor and she felt good about herself.
Fast forward to this afternoon. Everything went wrong, Jessica's behaviour sky rocketed, Adam was mid meltdown and poor Toby was crying his little eyes out which he never does so presumably his legs were aching from his jabs.
James and I had planned to do as much tidying of the house as possible. Instead I was stuck on the sofa with a cuddly and bossy Jessica and the kitchen got more messy (as did James) when I tried to open the strawberry milkshake powder and ended up pouring it over his head whilst he was knelt down putting dishes away. Shaky hands. I've been having headaches recently, and now with shaky hands and noticing my engagement ring is more 'fitted' it seems that high blood pressure may be trying to sneak back in.
So James swept that up, I attempted to herd the children to bed without an all out war, and then I laid on the sofa and unashamedly cried. I am tired, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong with Jessica whatever I try, and poor Adam is getting grief at every turn - from his sister at home and a boy at school (letter to teacher has been written tonight and will be sent tomorrow and hopefully sorted) and is struggling to cope.
As an aside, James is sat watching 'Going Postal' and one of the lines struck me as what I would say "Can't I even die in peace?" hahaha. As many mums will testify, it's rare you even get to wee in peace.
So. James made me a cuppa and we talked and made plans for tomorrow, choosing to ignore the fact that they didn't work today. Without hope what is there left?? And I am currently sat reading "How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk". If nothing it helps just to know I'm not alone. Underneath it is "Siblings without rivalry", hopefully that will have some gems of wisdom. With another cuppa, and a pack of custard creams, we'll figure out a way forward I'm sure xx.

How to have a largely successful day out.....

So, we did this. We had a successful day out. All five of us. And it included a city centre, a coffee stop and a 2 course meal. Here's how we did it.

Firstly - the eldest two slept at their Dads last night so they were already dressed and first-breakfasted upon arrival at 730am. This is a very important note as it meant no negative morning issues. It is important to also note that James, their father and myself had a highly positive conversation about various things upon drop off, which even included laughter, so even more positivity sneaked into their heads whilst they weren't looking.
We had a slight meltdown upon setting off as Jess was in delay/avoidance mood and we missed the train and I left my phone at home, but we were back up and running (and thanks to James actual running also had my phone back) by the time the next train came.

A few minor mishaps involving platform races, swerving prams and Jessica having to see *shock horror* DRESSES on display whilst exchanging Toby's suit (for the next size up - milk monster alert!), and we were headed for the Lego Store. Having wisely set off early to avoid crowds (and thus meltdowns from pretty much all of us except Toby), we had the store almost to ourselves. The children were impeccably well-behaved, didn't ask for anything, and happily built and paid for a minifigure each from their own pocket money when the idea was suggested to them. On to the next store!!

We had wisely located the next store before going in the first store.......and upon stepping out of the lift were able to shout "Yay Toy Shop!!!" for the first time in ages in Leeds City Centre. The children loved the roof of the Trinity also at this point. In we went.........

I followed Jessica and James followed Adam. Jessica's conversation was a stream of "woah"s and "wow"s as she came across Doc McStuffins, Peppa Pig and various other tv toys. She brilliantly asked for nothing.
Until we came to the Cut the Rope display unit. "Pleeeeease Mummy. But pleeeeease Mummy, I keep this?" With many sad looks and cuddles. Looking at the 10 pound price tag I was extremely firm in my no. I offered to take a picture so she could ask for it for her birthday. She had a very cute pleading face in said picture.

But she put the toy back with no further questions, no tears or tantrums. I was so amazed I offered to buy her a foil pack with 2 cut the rope figurines in for 2 quid which she happily accepted. Soft touch, moi??
Both children paid at the till (Adam chose some more Kobots, again out of his pocket money) and we directed them next door to Costa which James and I had spotted on the way in ;-)

This, again, was amazingly stress free. We sat for 30-60 minutes, drank both our coffees, had one mini muffin each, fed Toby, changed a nappy, whilst 2 happy and cooperative children played with their new figures and then our phones as we noticed boredom triggers appearing. To the bookshop I suggested?? And both children happily agreed and didn't delay leaving?!

Upon arrival in the bookshop Jessica needed a wee. I headed back out with her to find a toilet (and bought a pot of fruit from a cafe to gain access to one). She happily walked, waited and wee'd. Both children spent time choosing books, a bit of 'Jessica wanting to buy books she already has, half the shop for Toby, and Adam wanting to spent 20 quid on sticker books' was dealt with surprisingly diplomatically and with no meltdowns and the man on the till was very impressed that Jessica was spending her pocket money on a book (Little Miss Star) instead of sweeties. Luckily she didn't hear him and gain ideas ;-)

On to the museum! No food and drink allowed in but thankfully Jessica had just finished her fruit pot (and shared it with Adam?!) so no issues arose. Adam enjoyed running all over the huge map "destroying Leeds" and James had fun spotting all the places he had driven to in the van recently. Jessica pushed and pulled lots of interesting "things" whilst Adam read about what they actually were. A few slight 'getting tired combined with warm museum' grumbles began to surface after about an hour so we took the executive decision to get excited about it being sunny enough to play in the Noble Comb park hint hint.....they decided yes it was ok to go back to the train station. We had a few wobbles from a tired 9 yr old (and a tired 26 yr old) on the way but nothing spectacular in our world ;-) and found the 2 spare mini muffins on the back of the pram just in time to offset a tired 3 year old's descent into 'I want to do whatever you don't want me to do' whilst James was buying juice in the shop and I was outside with all 3 children. Phew!

We psychologically tricked the children (mainly Adam) into making the walk to the pub feel shorter by walking right through the station "You can go through the tunnel AND on a lift this way!" and not surfacing until near Foxes Corner where "You can see the pub from here!" - awesome parenting at it's best ;-)

We arrived at the pub. And the rest is history.

Adam read his new book in the sun...........before joining his sister in the park.


Jessica ran about on the park, took off her tshirt because it was warm, straight away put on her jumper because it was cold, and ran about without her wellies on because "it's safe, OK!"



Adam ate all his meal AND an extra identical meal we bizarrely got free, and Jessica had a pretty good go at her "pizza, rice and peas, I don't like vegetables ok, so get me PEAS ok?" so we got puddings. 2 big sharing puddings between the 4 of us, because we were high on the no meltdowns so far day we were having.

Who likes their pudding? "I DO!!"

A park, an empty bench table next to it, weather *just* warm enough for us to sit outside, an extra pizza the kitchen cooked by accident and two sharing desserts later, two children actually happily walked out of the pub in the direction of home.

For about 2 seconds and then they realised it was 4pm, they'd left the house at 930am (and their Dad's at 715am) and now they were being asked to walk home. Slight parenting fail but one with no other solution due to the location of the pub, our house and that the walk for a bus/train would've been just as dramatic and almost as long. The 9 year old was the most vocal. Luckily, another 2 seconds later we were on the canal. And the complaints of "it takes ages, I'm tired, we've walked loads today" were forgotten as sticks and stones were flung into the ever accepting depths. It wasn't plain sailing and took a rather tortuous hour and ten minutes to get from the Noble Comb canal entrance to our house in Saltaire......bearing in mind we had the pram with us that Jessica had the option of jumping in and out of all day so we hadn't been forcing her to walk miles. Much was made of "ooh a red boat", "look that's where Aunty Karen works" and "I think the ducks are following us....quick run!". Jessica jumped in the pram just as we got to Roberts Park, we had a slight hiccup when she saw the icecream barge but these were the only tears of the day and were gone by the time we reached the train station and found a stick to bang on railings all the way home.

At home, surprisingly, Jessica didn't fall asleep (unlike Beard who nodded off on the sofa) and chilled out watching tv whilst Adam updated his kobots profile on the pc. A few Good Luck Charlie episodes later, a small upset over the water cup in the bathroom, and all three children were in beds/cot. Jessica fell asleep straight after her stories and a quick mummy snuggle so I actually feel rather sane.

The nappies are in the wash, the house is 'tidy enough', and it's quiet. And we had a successful day out. All five of us. So how did we avoid meltdowns? A mixture of planning, cunning, and a big dollop of luck. Maybe we have the skills to have a good time at DisneyLand next month after all?? I certainly hope so, for now I'm just happy that we managed it once x.

"Wear Your Red Dress......."

Rather shockingly, I seem to have gained a life recently. I am spending time doing real things instead of writing my blog. It was completely unforeseen and unexpected that this would happen.

I am spending a large amount of my time researching home-education, and the more I read, the more I firmly believe this is the right option for my son as a viable option to secondary school. He also believes this, which only strengthens my resolve. Tomorrow we are going to visit a construction club led by home educators and hopefully have a chat with some people, as I think I will feel "braver" about this after meeting some people in real concrete life who are already doing it. The main aspects that interest me are the ability to create a curriculum tailored to his interests and abilities and future plans, which can be changed at any time, and be as flexible and free-flowing as he and the rest of our family need it to be. That he won't be subject to un-necessary peer pressure to conform and fit in so that he doesn't have to endure bullying. That he can have real socialisation, in the real world that he will live in for the rest of his life after school-age. That he won't have to do 10 or more subjects, some of which don't interest him, and instead can focus on subjects that interest him and gain greater knowledge in those areas, and gain a wider education in the real world, how to actually cook and clean and budget and "live". At the moment he is interested in Maths, English, Science, History, Religious Education, Geography and Latin, with a good sprinkling of ICT throughout. He would also like to learn karate, cooking, gardening, go swimming more, learn to play the piano, do lots of reading, and immerse himself in Harry Potter. Sounds pretty well-rounded to me ;) It is a rather scary prospect, I am worried I will fail, but if I sent him to school and then complained that they had failed him, would it truly be them failing him or would it be me, who had sent him somewhere unable to meet his needs? I am lucky that I am able to consider this, we are not well off at ALL but we are good at budgeting. However I feel I need to think in the long-run of a self-employed business opportunity I could do from home, especially at some point to begin building up a pension. It's all rather grown-up, this child-rearing stuff isn't it ;) I don't know whether Jessica will be attending secondary school or whether she will also suit home-educating better, she is only 2 at the minute and still developing her crazy little personality, but long-term thinking suggests I need to work on some kind of financial sustainability.

Other than that, I have been cooking, and cleaning, and sewing badges on to a camp blanket, going to the Salvation Army, going to band practice (although not tonight, as it's raining heavily and it's the school holidays which tends to skew my plans somewhat), planning my sister's hen-do, vaguely having ideas for my own wedding, planning Jessica's birthday, budgeting, oh always budgeting :P I have also dug out the cross-stitch and started re-watching ER from the beginning :)

Jessica and I have been making rock-buddies from a kit that a lovely friend passed on to us, it had stickers in which suited my sticker-addict down to the ground!! Adam has been very Harry Potter orientated, is half-way through the fourth book and keeps re-watching the fifth film. Apparently the fourth book is in the school library but he can't get it as it is in the "cream" section and he has only just moved up to "ruby" a couple of weeks ago............apparently the How to Train your Dragon books are in "ruby".........which he read last year at home. Don't you just love school reading schemes :P It's a good job we have well-stocked bookshelves at home :D Jessica also likes Harry Potter, she wanders around the house waving her drumsticks about shouting "Smelly Armpits!!", her logical take on "Expelliarmus". We got a letter from my little brother yesterday, and Adam was massively excited, declared that it was "his" letter, and read it repeatedly. When I later mentioned it is Jessica's birthday in just over 4 weeks, he announced that "And then it will be only 7 months until Uncle Andy comes home!!!" I said, "Do you miss him?" He said "Of course, I do, he's my family, I love him no matter what." I love my little boy, he's quite amazing. Think I best email his Uncle Andy and tell him what was said.

All in all, we are having a rather nice time just being together as a family, James is here quite often and is moving in shortly. Adam is very excited by this, and keeps saying "YES!" when we mention it - although this is usually followed by "I can't wait to have his TV in the kitchen so I can watch DVDs when Jessica is bossing the TV". So I can't be 100% sure on their motives for being happy about James moving in..................

Life goes on, as they say, and apparently it is true. It sure has taken it's time to show up. Possibly, after a settlement period, I will be back on this blog more often, when I have realigned all of my priorities. Who knows, in a couple of years it could be chronicling our adventures in the land of "Education Otherwise" :D

I was searching for a positive song about moving on. I have just found this most amazing song. I love it!!! I found the lyrics and have written them underneath. This is one awesome song - "Turn Up The Music" - this your life, live it!! It makes me feel like the whole tone of this blog is different, if I'd have listened to it first I'm sure it would have been. Listen to the lyrics, read them, and do them.........

How You Live - Point of Grace - Music/Lyrics Cindy Morgan

Wake up to the sunlight
with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ball games
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Chorus

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Chorus

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

To each their own, to each their life, what brings one peace, brings another strife

So, I searched for a poem or quote about judgement, thinking there would be many. And surprisingly there really isn't. I found this poem, and I like it, I have ensured to copy and paste in completeness and with a link to it's author, as I have put this on my blog because I like the sentiment, and for others to go and read her work, not to try and plagiarise it. Please click on her name and read her other poems, and again let me repeat this poem is not by me, nor do I personally know the writer.

Who Are You To Judge Me?

by Ashley

Who are you to judge me,
Based on the way I look,
Do you always judge a story,
By the cover of the book?

Who are you to judge me,
By the way I dress and what I wear?
Who are you to judge me,
By the way I wear my hair?

Who are you to judge me,
By the things you imagine I do?
When you don't bother to figure out for sure,
What exactly is or isn't true...

That's my point,
You're no one at all,
You judge me for one reason,
So you can feel tall...

You judge me because you want to,
And because it makes you feel better inside,
Because my imperfections aren't yours,
But your flaws won't always hide...

I'm my own judge,
And you're your own too,
So judge yourself,
And the things that you do...

Because I'm tired of being judged,
By people who think they know me,
Who refuse to judge themselves,
Because they aren't as perfect as they could be... 

It makes me sad, as a parent, that I am almost shoved as an unwilling competitor into a world where one wrong move can mean you are scorned by others. Where mothers feel the need to justify whether they work or do not work, instead of simply being able to say "I am doing the best I can for my child and family at this moment in time", and being proud of that. Nobody can judge another person, nobody can say that they are wrong for working, that their children are being raised by others (what utter rubbish, I have worked in nurseries and can assure you I raised no children there apart from my own that came with me for a little while!). And when I studied and then worked, my children were definitely raised by me, they were cared for WELL by their child-carers, but they were raised by me. However, nobody can say either that children who have a parent staying at home do not then have a work ethic, also utter rubbish, I currently stay at home and my children know that when possible, people need a job to earn a living and pay taxes in to pay for the running of the country, and also to help people, and themselves if they need it in the future. I hope to raise my children, as do the majority of parents I assume, to be open-minded, honest, caring, understanding, non-judgemental and hard-working, however they choose to apply that to their individual circumstances in the future.

I just feel sad, that when there are so many positives that could bring people together, instead the negatives always come out to play. Did you breastfeed? How long for? What formula do you use? Do you use cloth nappies? What brand of disposables do you use? When did you wean? How did you wean? What pram do you use? What carrier do you use? Are you going back to work? Are you leaving your baby with a childminder? Are you putting your toddler in a private day nursery? Haven't you seen the news about *those* places? Are you staying at home? Don't you want your children to have the latest things or have a work ethic? When are you getting rid of dummies? What about their teeth? Are they allowed chocolate or sweets? When are you going to make them walk instead of being lazy in the pram? When did they learn to read? When did they walk? Do you have stair gates? Do you have a fireguard? She's run away to play on the grass, aren't you going to stop her? Aren't you going to let her run away to play on the grass?Are you sending them to nursery school? What do you mean, home education, is that not illegal? Why do you make them go to church? Why do you not make them go to church? Do you make yours do their homework? Do you do practise SATs? Are you going to get a maths tutor? Do they go to clubs, do they have *socialisation*?

I know my children. Parents know their children better than anybody else in the world. Just CHILL THE HECK OUT!!!

I like to chat with my friends, about how I've done things, and pass on advice if they ask. But that doesn't mean they have to follow it, or that I will scorn them if they don't. It's their choice, because their children are not mine, I don't live and breath them every day like they do, and I can not possibly know what is right for them. Heck, I struggle to know what is right for my own children half of the time. And in a world where parents are questioned at every turn, this is not something many will admit. It is time that us real mothers took the stand and said:

"Hey, do you know what? I do a bit of this, and a bit of that, and the stuff that doesn't work I lose and the stuff that does I keep. And sometimes it changes and I have to try the old stuff again, and find some new stuff. And sometimes I mess up and have to say sorry, I messed up. When I was a kid, I thought one day I would grow up, but now I've figured out that nobody ever does, we just spend our whole lives figuring stuff out, and it would be a whole lot easier if we were all honest with each other about that."

We should feel privileged that we are able to make these choices about how we bring up our children, or at least more of them are choices than they are for many other people in the world. I am not perfect, I am guilty of judging others too. I try not to, but am human and so fail. I am not ashamed to admit that. However, from now on, I am going to try harder. I am going to try the Complaint-Free approach to life, with a slight adaptation to fit my own life, cos, well, it's my life :P I am going to wear a hair band on my wrist, and everytime I judge somebody, or complain in a negative manner (I feel there are positive ways to complain, some matters do need bringing up, but can be done so in a positive *let's change this* kind of a way), I am going to swap it to the other wrist, and see how long it takes me to keep it on one wrist for a whole day. And then a week. And who knows what the future holds?????

I am sure I will fail many times, but it's not about the end result, it's about the journey.

Life Happens to the "Best" of Us

So one of my guilty secrets is that I watch Teen Mom on MTV. Only the original one, and mainly just because of one family in it; two of the others irritate  me and the fourth I'm just indifferent to although they can sometimes be sweet.

Maci, the teen mom with Bentley, I just really identify with. I mean by the time Adam was born, I wasn't even a teen mum. I was kind of in no-mans land, too old to be classed as a young mum but not old enough to really fit in as a "normal" age mum. All the mums at antenatal class were about 5-10 years older than me, and all the mums at the "young mums" group were younger than me (or had been when they had their kids). But still, to me, I was a young mum even though I wasn't still at school or anything. Maybe it was amplified by the fact I was single and not working by the time he was born, who knows, but it doesn't really matter how it's classified or viewed by others, it's just how it actually felt to me that matters.

On the teen mom blurb, Maci is classed as the clever one, over-achieving, bright future etc. Then she has Bentley, and they may not say this, but to me when she is starting to think about dropping out of college and wanting to be a stay at home mum, and have another baby, it's not because she is lazy, it's because she is an over-achiever and wants to be perfect and good, and if she can't do it in the way she was going to before she had Bentley, with a career etc, then one way she can do it is by having the perfect family for him, and being the perfect mum. I can identify with that. I think, reflecting on it, that is what I have tried to do. When I was at school I was in all the top sets, I didn't really like coursework so didn't massively crack on with it or even do much revising, but I still got Bs and Cs and began my A levels. When everything started going on in my personal life when I was doing my A levels, I left to get some control and just start over, but still I had goals and aims, and even whilst working in the library I remember sitting there working out a plan to do my A levels in the evening and go to Uni and have a career etc. Then I got pregnant, and everything changed, I guess I figured I had to work with what I was given and if I was going to be a mum then I was going to be a pretty damn excellent one.

I guess I have tried to be pretty much every type of mother there is, in my quest for perfection. I started off being a "stay at home mum", but didn't want to be seen as a "young mum on benefits" so went to college to gain education. I went into early years training as I love kids - I'd originally wanted to be a teacher at school, and figured it would be a good job for a mum if I could get an early years job in a school and have the holidays off etc. So this was my "college mum phase". I was at college/work experience, Adam was in day nursery and that worked for a while. It also gave me a chance to "be a teenager" and figure myself out a little, like all my friends had had the opportunity to do, but without neglecting Adam or being a bad mum because he was well cared for in day nursery and I was studying at college not just slacking off without him there. It was hard work, I remember when he used to get up at 2am until 4am every night for a month, then we would have to get up at 6am to get ready for college, and I'd be running down the road with him in the buggy, sometimes speed-walking all the way to Saltaire from Windhill because we'd missed the bus. And the time I sat in agony crying my eyes out because I had a tooth abscess but had to get my assignment in for the next day and couldn't have anymore time off or leeway as I'd used it all up when he was sick. Or the time he threw himself down the stone steps at the flat and I had to leave him at my mums for the day because I couldn't miss the child protection talk. And crying on my tutor because his day nursery was closing down and I couldn't find another I liked and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't easy, yet I look back on the time thinking it was one of the most fun times of my life, crazy huh. We used to have fun times, a lady on the bus used to give him books every week because she thought he was so good, and I left about 3 buggies on buses :/ Me and Heidi got matching buggies as we'd seen them on sale in Mothercare haha!! One time, I'd just picked Adam up from nursery, it was 6pm and dark as I'd been working late at the library, had all my files with me and all his nursery stuff, and halfway over the road his pram broke, just literally snapped down the sides. I was shattered and had no money for a taxi, and it was freezing, I just rung my mum crying and she came picked me up. One of many "last straw" days, but we made it through and I qualified :D

Then came my "Single mum working school hours" phase. I got a job in a nursery school, thinking it would be perfect as I could have the school holidays off with Adam, and found a great childminder for him. He started a school nursery too, and it was great. But then, he kept getting ill, and was so ill one week they tried him on 4 different antibiotics, and that's when he was diagnosed with kidney reflux. I was torn in half, felt guilty for being at work, felt guilty for not being at work, felt like I hardly saw him except for the holidays. I decided to look for another job where I didn't get the holidays off but worked different shifts/hours so could have a more "normal" life and do school drop-off, morning assemblies, have time off for his nativity and stuff.

So then I started my private day nursery job, this was my "full-time working single mum" phase. Typically for me, I ended up taking on more and more responsibility at work and becoming room leader. Adam would sometimes come to work after school so I could work over as I hated to say no if they needed somebody, or my parents would have him. I was taking work home, doing far too much. And then Paul and I decided to move in together and create the family environment that I wanted Adam to have. We started buying a house, and then Paul had his accident. So that was another thing to get through, another thing to feel I needed to "get right", making sure I was there for him and keeping everyone updated, still working, looking after Adam, making sure the house buying went through - scary stuff buying a house first time and I ended up doing it alone, thank goodness for my Dad helping me out. Doing all the packing and all that stuff, and dealing with the aftermath of an ofsted inspection at work. It was a pretty stressful time, but it was always a case of "well when Paul's better, when we've moved, when work is sorted" etc etc etc...........one day everything would be fine. But I think you need to realise that life will never be "fine", there's always something happening and you just have to learn to live at the same time, not wait for it to be over.

So we moved house, settled in, started my open uni course and started trying for a baby. Really wanted to create that proper family unit, and prove to people that I wasn't just a "young mum" and that I was still clever like at school. Was stressful, working full-time, looking after Adam, doing a Level 4 uni course, and being pregnant. But I guess I still felt I had a lot to prove. When Jessica was born, I tried to do everything right, which obviously didn't work out great as I'd done better with Adam when I'd just used my instincts, but hey we all learn these things over time. So that was my "2 working parents with career aspirations, 2 children, owned house" phase. After a while back at work though, I realised I wasn't focused on my job enough, and if I couldn't be perfect at it, well, I'd rather just be perfect at what I already had on my plate - a stay at home mum.

So began my "dad at work, mum at home with kids" phase. And it worked quite well, until our relationship broke down and I just realised I wasn't happy anymore with my life, and maybe I had rushed into it, wanting Adam to have a Dad and a family, and we had now grown apart. It's hard when there are children involved, if you're with somebody for 5-7 years it's hard enough to split up, but when there are children too you feel like "growing apart" is not a valid enough reason, until you realise that whilst you are so unhappy and ill, you really aren't being the best mum you can be, and that is not in the children's best interests at all. We were only 20 when we met, and he never knew me before I was pregnant, so maybe we should have seen it coming, but you never know anything until you try.

When Paul and I split up I went back to my "Single mum on benefits" phase, but with 2 kids this time and not quite as young, although still only twenties so not exactly old! But I didn't want to stay there, I just took a couple of months to lick my wounds and then decided to try out the "Single mum working school hours" phase again. I found a great job, with a lovely group of staff, albeit a bit far away. I had a few childcare issues as Jessica wasn't used to being away from me and was quite attached, but finally sorted it all out. But again, after a while, the usual guilt-trips set in, the days off for the children being sick, the missing certificate assemblies, the 2 hour bus journey with the toddler in the freezing cold, and then I started getting ill myself with all the worry and the rushing around. And I decided that enough was enough, people could label me however they wanted, but I was going to do the best for my children and myself, and if that meant having to be on benefits so I could be at home for them, then that's what was going to have to happen.

So now, I am once again a "single mum on benefits". And maybe, it's where I need to be right now. But I still feel myself trying to over-achieve, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly to plan, that Adam always has everything for school and goes on all the trips and cub camps, and that Jessica does enough activities during the week, and they eat good food, and I stay on budget and still afford them nice clothes and good shoes and trips to the cinema and they don't feel "poor". And I don't know why I'm bothered because when I was a kid I KNEW we were poor, I knew my clothes came from Margaret and Myra's jumble or Bevan's clothing bins, I knew we got given pasta and cheese from the next door neighbours when my Dad lost his job in the 80's, and I knew I didn't have the uniform with the logos on, and that we went to Butlins with the Salvation Army and Junior Soldier camp because we were given help from the fund. But I wasn't bothered one inch by it, I was happy, so why I think my kids will be bothered goodness only knows??? I never wanted for anything, and I had more My Little Pony's with proper play-sets than any kid in my class cos Bevan found a load in a clothing bin and gave them to me. By the time I was at the age where I would've been bothered, we weren't really poor anymore. And by the time my children get to that age, they'll be independent enough that I'll be out working again and we won't be poor anymore either. We're not poor on that scale anyway, welfare reforms have seen to that, and I am pretty awesome at living and eating well on a budget :D

I've rambled here and lost my point. The whole point of this is, I get Maci, I get her wanting to have another baby even though she was only 19, she didn't really mean it or think it was a good idea, but she wanted to "achieve" in the best way she could, as a mum, and felt like she needed to create the perfect family for Bentley to do that. She wasn't being naive or dumb or young - if she was doing that she would've gone on to have another baby. She was just trying to figure out a way to be herself, be the "best" at things like she used to be, in the situation she had been given.

These days, I still know I have to watch myself, that I need to relax and let Jessica just chill out and play with her toys and watch TV for a day if that's what she feels like doing, and hide under the kitchen table and cut her hair. And I need to let Adam play on the Wii for hours and not worry about it cos the next week he'll probably choose to play out every night after school so it all evens out if I just let it happen. And I am just letting it happen. I'm not staying at home this time because I'm playing a role, this time I know it's right for me and the children, and that it will be right when James moves in too, and when we get married, and if we choose to add to the family in the future, that it will be right if I just go with how we feel, rather than try to do it for a reason or at a certain time or in a certain way. It's still important to work with what you've been handed, and make the best out of it, but it's important to also make sure you find "yourself" whilst you're doing that. Sometimes, you just have to let life happen to you, and it turns out being the best thing you ever did.

The only perfect mum thing that I'm hanging on to and can't let go of, is that I promised Adam I would take him to Disneyland Paris one day, before he started upper school...............that one, I have to make happen somehow.

I'll just get up and try again..............

Today has been one of those days that was fun and had lots of good things in like going to Ikea and buying some things we needed for the house, and buying Adam a chair for his hiding spot in the pantry so he feels he has somewhere to go when he needs a bit of a breather. And we had Chinese food for tea in honour of Chinese New Year, and fortune cookies which the children loved, especially the one that said "The important thing to remember about children, is that there are none so wonderful as your own". We watched Harry Potter 4, and Jessica has decided that she loves Harry Potter films, the same as she became obsessed with Narnia. I think it may partly be to do with the soundtracks possibly, the enchanting drawing in quality of it all?

But it was also one of those days where, again, homework became a battle that will never be won, and indeed I'm not really sure what counts as winning anymore, or who the winner in the situation would be. And where once the children had gone to bed I realised that I still had an immense amount of housework and laundry and pack lunch making and fridge cleaning and shopping list making and general tidying to do. And I was emotionally and physically tired, and I could hear Jessica coughing and just know I will be up again tonight. One of those evenings when you just really don't have all the answers and wonder why all the other parents seem to have them, why they don't seem to be having a child stressed out and in tears because they can't do their homework and they don't get reward stickers in their planner anymore and they're on the bottom table for maths and they never have time to change their reading book and they don't understand what's changed.........................I don't think having the first week of school in January off with a new teacher really helped my little 8 year old bundle of pure raw stress.....................................................

So, I am going to bed. I am going to leave the house, because even though I promised Adam we would keep it tidy from now on, sometimes, Mum's aren't perfect. Sometimes, we just need a night off. And it will come back to bite me tomorrow, but I'm tired, and cry-ey, and really unsure what to do about this newest challenge in the "Things they didn't tell you about parenting" book of life, and I think tomorrow me and Jessica might just have to put some loud music on and have a race to clean the house. Or something like that. It's not the greatest week for me to have a meltdown, since Adam is not sleeping at my mum's tomorrow and neither of them are sleeping at their Dad's on Thursday, but then again they are away all weekend so at least I can have a major rest and clean up then................well, not at the same time, but still 2 days with no children is an ocean of time in my life, so much can be done, including sleep! I will have to miss band practice this week, but this can not be helped, and although I have promised to go in this blog, having my children is an allowable exception. And maybe this week is a good time to have a break, last week, I seemed to see ghosts of the past every time I looked up, and even though I could play this Sunday as the children won't be with me, something in my head just stops me, there's a block there. I think, I am scared, of reminders and memories coming knocking through my walls. I would like to layer new memories on top of the old ones, like a layer of varnish that prevents them coming through, but I'm scared that trying to do so will revive and re-awaken them. And it's not somewhere I wish to go. I think this needs some more pondering on, before I make a decision.

So, I have decided, it is bed time. Everything, including making packed lunches, can wait until tomorrow. Jam sandwiches shall be the order of the day and I refuse to feel bad, after all it is St Dalfour no sugar or nasty chemical jam, after all ;) And I found this song. I like this song. It is a good song to end the day on, for tomorrow is a new day, and I shall start again. Don't skip listening to the song today, it's an important one x.

Learning to dance in the rain

It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm sorry about that...................well really I'm not :P I'm been kinda busy, and everytime I've thought to sit down and post, it's just not happened, I've found something else I've needed to do. It has, admittedly, been a rough couple of months. I'm not 100% sure why, if I'm honest. I think I've felt at another crossroads, yet again, and to be honest, it felt like one crossroads too many. Like, you know, why can't my life just settle down for a while, what's with all the decision-making having to happen all the time? But I'm a parent, that's my job. I'm not just responsible for my life, I'm responsible for 2 other peoples aswell, and every single thing I do, say, think about, it impacts on them and affects the people they will grow up to be. Sometimes, in the past few months, I have cried. Sometimes I have laughed. Sometimes I've just sat and not moved. Everything has felt rather overwhelming quite a lot of the time. But I've got on with it, who else is going to do it? And now, finally, I feel like things are coming together, like life is possible again.

It has been, almost exactly a year, since I was ill. Where I am now is a lifetime away from where I was this time last year. And Christmas, well Christmas is around the corner. And my birthday, naturally :D I will be 29, the last year of my twenties. I'm not bothered about getting older, it genuinely doesn't concern me. In many ways I like it, becoming more secure and happy about who I really am, and knowing that the friendships I still have are real and meaningful ones. But I do feel that I need to celebrate this last year in some way. And I'm going to do it by having a fab Christmas. I have not had a great Christmas since, well, I can't even remember when. 2010 I was having a breakdown and then Jessica and I got the flu. 2009 Adam was sick. 2008 I was pregnant, and Adam was sick. 2007 we were under threat of Ofsted at work, trying to buy a house, packing up the flat, and Adam was sick (and 2 weeks later we got Ofsted and Paul had his major car accident). 2006, Adam was really sick as it was when all his kidney reflux came out to play. 2005, Adam was really sick, with a "virus" similiar to measles, and I was snowed under with college work. 2004, I was snowed under with college work, Adam's biological father decided he didn't want to see him at Christmas or actually ever again. And Adam was, shock horror, sick. 2003, Adam had bacterial septicaemia meningitis. 2002, I was pregnant, single, unemployed and didn't know what to do. 2001, I had an engagement ring thrown at me with words similiar to "I was going to ask you to get engaged but now I think I like *other girls name* so I need to think for the next couple of weeks, but I've got nothing else to give you so why don't you just put it on another finger for a bit while I decide"

 So this year, is 2011. And this year, I have planned Christmas out already. I have no big expectations. I have planned, to the finest detail, a chilled out, quiet, friends and family Christmas. And it is my Birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20s. And it will be good, and fabulous, because I am with my friends, and family. We may not have a lot of money, we may not have a lot of *stuff*. But we are happy, we are together, and that is all that matters. There are many people out there who do not have what I have, they do not have somewhere to live,  food to eat, their children with them. I need to count my blessings, and believe me I do. Oh yes I do.

I am sat here, worrying, that I have lost £108 out of my wage this month. And trying to work out a budget to  feed us for a month and still enable us to have Christmas food, take the kids to see Father Christmas, and buy the few pressies I still need to get. But do you know what, what is the worst that could happen to me? I have family, I have friends, who are there to help me. I live in England, we all complain about it but we have the benefits system, we have the housing system, we have hostels and free medical care. If I lived in another country, the worst that could happen is that I could be homeless with my children and be unable to feed them, or myself, and we wouldn't be able to access the medical care we needed. That is a lot lot worse than anything I have to face. And that, is an important thing to remember. Always be grateful for what you DO have, not what you don't. Make the most of what you have, instead of wasting your life away wishing for things that are not there.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide...............

It's been a while. Things have been happening. I've broken my camera which creates a problem as it means I can't share in the way I would like, I can't build on the pictures and talk through experiences. I'm trying to win the lottery to afford a new one but so far it's not happening..............
And then just when I was thinking of coming back, my laptop screen also got broke. Super duper this life.

It's so long since I've been on here that they've changed it. It says it's a clean easy to use interface. I find it rather cold, distant, unfriendly, uninviting. Not somewhere that makes me want to write about my life. I'm sure I'll get used to it, everything changes. Some things end. Somebody once said to me "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I can never decide whether or not they were wrong. If something bad is happening, then surely it's good when it ends. But is that still a good ending, because surely it not happening in the first place would've been better really? Can bad things ever go away, have an ending? Or do they remain always there, even when you think you have resolved all the issues.

It's Autumn now, one of my favourite times of year. I like it when the air gets colder and you can go for long crunchy walks and have space to think in your head without having to worry about sunburn or dehydration, or your nose and toes going blue and falling off. I have lots of things to look forward to at the moment. Adam is going on camp and moving up to Cubs. We have devised a system involving a mind-jar and a swing-ball set for future episodes of stress so as to prevent pouring any more money down the drain. Jessica is loving her new childcare arrangements and is talking a lot more since she sent her dummies to the babies in hospital via the dummy fairy. I'm somehow managing to keep the house tidy and sorted, keeping up with work and friends and have even done some Christmas shopping. Amazing huh.

One of the reasons I haven't written since the last post in August is because I have been working through something that is never going to be shared on here, and that I am still working on even now, even though really I thought it would be dealt with and over as soon as I got it out in the open. When you shut the door on something, and then re-open it a long time later to fix it, it's pretty damn hard to make it fit behind that door again. And this is supposed to be a positive space, and I am trying really hard. But sometimes I just want to get off the train and hide down a siding for a while. I was looking on YouTube for the perfect song to go with how I'm feeling. I couldn't find anything, just took a wander around and found all different memories from my past.
This is what I mainly listened to when I was 18/19 -

And this is what I find myself often listening to these days.

"Cos even when I'm a mess I still put on my vest with an S on my chest..." Bit of optimism there for you ;)

When you hide something, put it away, and then come back to it later, you can't just resolve it by telling the right people, having them hug you and apologise and move on. Instead it becomes part of you, something you carry with you, along with everything else. You feel better than when it was hidden, but you don't feel better than if it would never have happened in the first place. So then, you end up feeling angry all over again at the person who caused it. And that is not an easy problem to resolve. But I'm working on it. Partly I just need to stop reinventing myself, and let myself be the person I am, even if sometimes that reminds me of the past. By losing all of my past self, all I do is let the person win. And that can never be a good thing.

Crazy little people ;)

Today has been a crazy day, a busy day, a fun day. A walk to Shipley for Lego minifigures and fruit, and a walk home with two full bags of shopping. For some reason, as the children are going to stay at their Dad's tomorrow for a week, I ended up buying a load of food for them. Hmm, strange that.
So, the morning started off with Jessica "stealing" Adam's chair, and pouring her cereal all over the floor. Then I banged my head on the door and got told to "shurrup" by Jessica for saying ouch. Other events throughout the day included me cutting the knuckle of my finger open, gaining a new (to me) table and 4 chairs less than 12 hours after wishing out loud on facebook for them, and a rather stressful 2 levels of Lego Star Wars III on the Wii. Which has led to the new rule of the house - only one level per day. Adam has taught Jessica to say "fine", as in Me - "Please go tidy your bedroom before bedtime". Adam - "Fine!", followed by Jessica - "Fine!" up the stairs they went. Jessica decided to stand in the wastepaper bin, according to Adam this was because she wanted to throw herself away after she hurt him. According to Jessica it was because she was stuck and needed chocolate. We compromised and they had strawberries and milk for supper - mainly because that was what Jessica raided out of my fridge. I need a higher fridge. But I immensely love my new table. It has already been eaten off and play-doughed and drawn on and sat at with a coffee, and the chairs have already been argued over 3 times :D Believe it or not, since I moved out 10 years ago, this is the first time I've had a proper table and 4 chairs. Previous ones have either been fold-up jobbies or small patio sets. It makes me feel settled to have a proper table.

Today has been rather eventful. I'm pretty tired. But good tired. I haven't a clue what I'm going to do with myself for the next week. I was supposed to be sorting all my house out, but I've done quite a lot of it these last two days as Adam decided he wanted to "help" me do it. This "help" mainly consisted of him putting all his toys on a high shelf, and then playing Lego Star Wars whilst Jessica tried to climb up to get them all. He likes having a little sister. He doesn't have to get rid of anything, everything that is too small (or that his friends will say is too small) he just "gives" to Jessica. He puts it on one of her shelves, and then just plays with it whenever he wants. Magic.

I needed to write this, because it's been one of those days where so much happened, but all normal every day family stuff, that it all needs to come out, and also it's good, that despite the fact it's been a crazy mad day and I got hurt and Jessica is going through a spurt of hurting Adam, it's actually been a really good day. It's been a laughing and bonding and making a home kind of a day.

If you're free next week, say hi, because I won't have any crazy little people to talk to.

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

I have the internet back! Yippee!!!!!!!
Lots of things have happened, and I can't catch up on them all tonight, because, well, I am having a tv night, due to having a long week and being shattered.
But, there is something I would like to address. Somebody said to me yesterday, that they hate those "mum" statuses on facebook, where people go on about being unselfish mothers and not having their hair done and trading night outs for video nights in etc. Because it makes them feel like they're supposed to feel that way too, and are "wrong" for not doing. But it's not true. Here's a new one for you:

I'm a mum. I love spending time with my kids. But sometimes they do my head in. I love having family video nights in. But I love going out with my friends and talking about "grown-up" stuff. I love spending money on the kids. But I love having my hair done in peace and quiet and feeling like 'me' for an hour or so. I don't regret for one second having my children and I appreciate that I have children to get up with at 5am ever day. But I still sometimes wish I could have a lie-in and not have to snap into wide-awake super-mum mode within a minute of getting out of bed.

And that's that soap box moment over and done with for the week :p Of course I would never go out if my kids were sick, or I didn't have enough money for their food and clothes or heating to keep them warm. But that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it when they're not sick and I do have money. I will freely admit I am a totally excellent supermum, my kids are always nicely dressed and well fed and remember everything for school and nursery and always have spare clothes and wellies and trainers and tracksuits and pe kits and name labels and water bottles. They have stack loads of toys and garden toys and travel toys and dvds and books, yet they know the value of money and rarely whinge about what they can't have. I spend time with them, bake every sunday with them and take them to church. But, I still like having a break. I commit the ultimate single parent sin every week of NOT MISSING THEM when they are at their dad's. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie. Yes, I love them to pieces, but do you know what, I am shattered by Thursday and a 2 day/night break does me the world of good and means I am a better mum when they are back with me because I am not a total wreck. Plus I personally think it is important for them to have a strong relationship with their daddy, he's been there since before they were both born I think it'd be a lot worse for them if they didn't see him! So, for everybody else who feels like me, you are not a bad mum. You're human. And if anybody tells you otherwise, they're not really important in your life anyway. And if anybody thinks, after reading this, that I'm a bad mum, then they should come and live with me for a week and then tell me how bad a mum I am. Besides, Adam said I'm the bestest mummy in the world and Jessica gave me a kiss. And when it comes down to it, who else's opinion counts?

Everything in Moderation.......

I am absolutely shattered. This week has been incredibly long and busy. And tonight I am slightly worried, I know I am tired and liable to get slightly stressed tomorrow and I'd really like to have a good time tomorrow with the children. So I am going back to my fail-safe way of dealing with these things. Planning. I am going to make plans for tomorrow so that it will all be ok. Usually, I like to just relax with the kids at the weekend, go with the flow etc. But this week has not been usual, and I don't want to end up feeling rubbish. So I am going to plan the day within an inch of my life, and I know it will work. And also, that if everything goes ok, I will feel on top of the world tomorrow night, at having got through a tricky time. So, I am going to go dig out my Toddler Busy Book for some good ideas (Adam will enjoy doing things with his sister or I can extend them for him).
So far, plans are:
Breakfast
Bath
And then, not 100% but will possibly involve playdough, traintrack building, marble run building, baking biscuits, and/or a couple of activities from the Busy Book. Fingers crossed. I have just realised that I've packed the Busy Book so will have to undo that box, but be right. And then, when I've done all that, I will send them off to the Dad's, knowing I did my best, and will spend the rest of my weekend relaxing and being looked after and getting back on an even keel.
Sometimes it's ok to use previous behaviours to help stay on the right path. It won't make me be a control freak, it will just help me get back on track, as a temporary solution it's fine. The next few weeks is going to be kind of tough, with moving etc, so I think it's a good idea to have a plan to help me keep in control, and then try and relax and get back to normal afterwards when we're settled once again in the house. It's ok to be more laid-back etc, but things are kind of hectic and messy at the moment, and I think a bit of planning and listmaking is needed for a bit just to keep things working out.
See you on the other side folks!!

Looking back on April.....(And the 1st of May).........

A lot has happened this month. And a lot of that has happened during the Easter holidays. It feels like a lifetime since I was at work, although I know that once I am back there tomorrow it will feel as though I was never away. Time is funny like that. I said I wouldn't include Jessica's "friends" party in April as it was on the 1st of May, but I feel it fits in better with April so that's where I'm going to slot it.
We found out Jessica is allergic cats, need to update her nursery form with that one tomorrow. She is starting nursery with me tomorrow, so hopefully will put her good face on and all that hahahaha. We've had Jessica's birthday celebrations, which from start to finish were really great and really made a fab ending to the holidays. She pretended to be shy everytime she was sang Happy Birthday to, but by the third party she got the hang of opening presents, think she was rather bemused this afternoon to find no party waiting for her when she woke from her nap. She looked longingly at the empty bun stand this morning, think that will definitely be a prerequisite for any kind of gathering from now on. And my freezer and fridge, and kitchen worktops, are fully stocked and will feed us for the month!
I made my relationship with James "official", and bless his cotton socks, Adam said to me on the day of Jessica's garden party "Mummy, if you would only go out with somebody that me and Jessica liked, does that mean if James wanted to go out with you he would ask me first?" So, that was James heading off for a private conversation with Adam when he arrived on Sunday, and then me being summoned by Adam "Mummy, I've got to tell you a secret, come on!! James wants to ask you out!" And I was summarily told that he had given him permission, and really, I had to say yes. So, dutifully, I did. And there we have it, the children are happy, what more can I say.
We London adventured, house searched and organised (and now I really can't find where I put Adam's Beaver folder, hmm), toy shopped, and garden partied our way through April, and came out the other side a happy secure little family, surrounded by lots of fabulous friends and with many things to look forward to.
As for the April List?
We didn't play tiddlywinks, must work on that one. I did stay out extremely late, ill-advisedly on the eve of Jessica's garden party lol, but hey, fun was had by all and I don't regret it for a second. I sang in the shower, but I hope the neighbours didn't hear because my singing voice is truly bad, and not only did I jump in puddles, I splashed and ran and slipped in them whilst caught in a thunder storm on the way back to the hotel in London - Flipflops were worn, but are now considered to be inappropriate attire for rain due to the slippage factor whilst trying to run with a pram!
I think, I have been very spontaneous this month, and I don't care to limit it to Tuesdays, so there. Ha. I haven't attempted a world record, as far as I know, but maybe Adam might have with the amount of outfit changes he had at the party on Sunday.
And I tend to call or see my mum extremely often, especially with my washing machine being broken, so I think that's something that doesn't really need working on.
Oh, and be lovely. Well, obviously, that was easy ;)
Number 11 and 12, I worked on these, and I think I'm getting better at them. We'll see how it goes.

Here are some this month's best moments:

Adam has a cap, I want a cap

Plaits!!

Picking all the dandelions, whilst mummy had a well deserved cuppa

The instructions for THAT car.

The parts for THAT car.

And THAT smile, made THAT car, worth all the effort :)

London adventures :)

Jessica the cool London tourist

I just love this pic

Caught in a thunderstorm....get her out or take a pic? Hmmmm.

Return visit to the War Museum

EASTER!!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!

We went to see Isaac on the day of 'The Wedding' and gave him a truly British look

Jessica's present from Nana + Grandad

It's my birthday and aren't I cute :)

It's my cake, I will eat it how I like.

Yummy buns

3 on 1, yep, that's fair hahahaha

That's what you do, open the first pressie, it's a chair, sit in it to open the rest :)

I loved this month. It was fab. Enough said.