I'm debating leaving facebook. It's something I think about every now and again. Recently a few friends have left and said that after a week or so they really don't miss it. They feel like they are living 'real life' again. I feel sometimes it brings out the negative side of me. It's so easy to moan, or to get into arguments over stupid pointless memes.
I use it to keep in touch with friends I've met on facebook, or through BC. To keep in touch with far away friends, local friends with the same interests or parenting ideas. The home education community is busy on there. I could use it when starting up in self employment if that is what I choose to do. But something in me feels like I will be more free if I leave.
It's hard to decide. I'm going to put the idea to one side for now. I need to do that more often, instead of trying to work on lots of ideas at once I just need to focus on the most current. Right now I need to plan Jessica's birthday. Then Disneyland, then moving. After that I can focus on self employment and our wedding.
But maybe, after we move and before I start those next two 'projects', I could put some time into my 'real life', figure that out first, and move forwards from there. You never know, it could be a whole new beginning ;-)
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental Health. Show all posts
Saturday, 13 April 2013
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
The perils of a countdown.
Recently I am struggling immensely. My to do list is never ending, my house is bulging at the seams (the man keeps selling things but then buying more with the money?!), and I have been waiting for a move date since November to a bigger house due to the owner being messed about by people he was buying from. So now, we finally have a definite secure date to move, at the end of May. I thought this would make me feel better, that everytime I got annoyed at stubbing my toe on an airer, or falling over 5 things in a row, or having to move the entire kitchen around to be able to sit for a family meal, or Jessica literally climbing the walls, that I could think "Only ... weeks". And I'm doing that, but it's not working. Because oh my goodness it's like the last pregnancy trimester, the clock seems to have stopped and wow is it dragging! Every little thing in this house turns into a big thing, the children are stressed, James and I are stressed, there are so many daily arguments and I am just hoping we make it to the new house intact.
I feel like packing would make me feel better, but we have no space to pack or place to put anything that we pack. We already have a ton of stuff boxed up at my parents that we could live without for a month or two. It's now been 4-5 months and the children want their stuff back. The plus side of that being that when we move they will have shedloads of 'new' stuff to play with whilst we unpack :-) Although Toby is growing out of his carrycot already so I may need to fish out the new pushchair that "We definitely won't need until way after we move so it can just go straight to my parents in the box" hahahahahaha.
Of course, have to look for the plus sides ;-) And we are amazingly lucky to have found somewhere local and spacious and within budget. But seriously, please give me strength, leeway, whatever for the next 8 weeks, I may seem grumpy and as up and down as a hyper 3 year old, but I promise things will improve soon. This year will be a good year, many unforeseen events have turned into positive future opportunities, and after all, it is Only 8 Weeks!!!
Jessica displaying crazy Mummy's feelings surprisingly accurately.....
I feel like packing would make me feel better, but we have no space to pack or place to put anything that we pack. We already have a ton of stuff boxed up at my parents that we could live without for a month or two. It's now been 4-5 months and the children want their stuff back. The plus side of that being that when we move they will have shedloads of 'new' stuff to play with whilst we unpack :-) Although Toby is growing out of his carrycot already so I may need to fish out the new pushchair that "We definitely won't need until way after we move so it can just go straight to my parents in the box" hahahahahaha.
Of course, have to look for the plus sides ;-) And we are amazingly lucky to have found somewhere local and spacious and within budget. But seriously, please give me strength, leeway, whatever for the next 8 weeks, I may seem grumpy and as up and down as a hyper 3 year old, but I promise things will improve soon. This year will be a good year, many unforeseen events have turned into positive future opportunities, and after all, it is Only 8 Weeks!!!
Jessica displaying crazy Mummy's feelings surprisingly accurately.....
Thursday, 8 November 2012
It's only a few months until February....................
It appears that there is only so much information a head can hold until it starts to revolt. I think my head is starting to get a bit full.
I know that in a few months, everything will be fine and settled or at least on it's way to being, but sometimes knowing that isn't enough to get you through without a little bit of stress on the way. And it annoys me when if I talk about being stressed or needing a rest, I get comments about how having a third baby will be harder and he will be with me all the time and I shouldn't have planned to have him if I couldn't cope, blah blah blah.
For one thing, who said I couldn't cope?? Needing to vent, a hug, chocolate, some sleep, time to eat, somewhere to offload, that doesn't mean you are not coping, it just means you are ensuring that you CAN cope. I can cope, my children are fed, James and I am mostly fed, we have clean clothes (albeit often from the laundry basket rather than the drawers), all of the bills are paid and on time, the children get to school on time and with all letters signed and money sent and according to the teachers are delightful and happy, and sometimes I can even see the living room floor!!
Plus it's not about having a third child. It's about having everything happen at once, regardless of any other commitments you might have. If you thought about what could or might happen and what you could cope with and should do and commit to in case various scenarios happened, you would remain locked in your childhood bedroom in your parents house I would imagine. Right now, I often feel that I just don't have the time to be pregnant, and that this pregnancy is surplus to requirements in this current situation. I hasten to add that it is not surplus to requirements in my feelings or James or the children or anybody else. I simply mean that everything is ever so busy that to be honest this pregnancy has passed in a blur and I have somehow reached 31 weeks without even realising (possibly because I miscalculated and did think I was a week behind this......), and that there is so much going on right now in my family that I forget I am pregnant half the time, never mind everybody else.
I haven't a clue when we are moving house. We know we have a house to move to, which is something to be grateful for as so many people are struggling to find somewhere affordable that meets their needs right now, so I know I am lucky in that respect. We know it is most likely some time in the next 2-3 months, and that we can start packing things we don't use often and store them at my parents. Which, on the surface, is great, lots of time to prepare and save up and get organised, right?
The fact that those 2-3 months also include Christmas, the current lease renewal date, and the baby's due date are a slight issue. The fact that my Dad would usually help us move house and is due in for an operation in the next 2-3 months is also an issue. And that my Nana is in a rehab home and my Mum and Aunties are spending the majority of their time either visiting her to make sure she is looked after properly (because she isn't being), or trying to figure out where she will go when she comes out, is another slight issue in this plan. Add to this scenario that my 3 week old niece has just been diagnosed with CF meaning my sister is rather overloaded with information and tired, and that I have to go for pointless genetic counselling (pointless since I have already talked it over with my sister and James and my GP and am not dumb and the NHS is supposed to be short of money) in order to be able to be tested to see if I am a carrier. And that Adam would quite like to meet his biological dad soon please, if you don't mind, just to make sure he's not dead because somebody at school said he might be dead, and that would be sad if he didn't meet him before he died. Oh and then there is the news that my little brother is due home in a couple of weeks, great news and Adam is ecstatic, but means another heap of emotions in my head and another things currently being sorted out and paper-worked and planned by the family. So yes, it's kind of a busy 2-3 months. And I'm kind of tired. And I'm tired of people telling me that I'm tired and doing too much and they're worried I'm not coping.......................but not actually doing anything to help, and instead making it sound like it is all my own fault, when actually no, I wasn't aware that this was all going to happen when I got pregnant and even if I was single with no children I would imagine it would've all been a bit stressful and busy anyway.
The general gist of this is, don't ask somebody if they are ok if you don't want to know the answer, or if when they do tell you they are tired you are simply going to start telling them how tired you are yourself or how tired everybody they know is. And that it's probably not a good idea to decide to get pregnant when everything seems to be quiet because it will probably all explode shortly afterwards and you'll just mostly end up forgetting you are pregnant. And that just because somebody needs to vent and is tired, doesn't mean they can't cope or that they have too many children, it just means that too many things are happening and they need to let some of it out of their head, and if they didn't then THAT would mean they weren't coping, because it is BAD for your health to keep it all inside and not vent and THAT is when you stop looking after yourself and your children and not coping.
I am not complaining, just in case anybody gets the wrong idea. Ever since I was little, I have loved that my family is big and it is messy and it is often quite like a soap opera. Because it means that there is always somebody there, and always some comedy storyline behind the main tragic and stressful ones. It means that Christmas is busy and fun and that there is always somebody somewhere who can pick the children up from school if you pass out on a bus. It means I have lived in houses with not much heating and thick jumpers and moved from bedroom to bedroom as people moved out and moved in, and I truly appreciate being able to let the children buy chocolate on the way home from school, but still want them to know that playing at the park is cheaper and healthier than constantly buying new xbox games. It means that there is always somebody else taking the limelight or the attention so you can just quietly get on with your own life without feeling like you need to please everybody. And one day, I am looking forward to having my children and grandchildren around keeping me busy and needing money and help with childcare and advice on how to deal with mixed up 9 year olds and wild 3 year olds. Because in my family, somebody, somewhere, will have been through it and know what they are talking about, and that is always a useful resource. But that doesn't mean that everything is roses and I don't need a bit of a rest, or that they don't.
Just give people a break. You don't know everything about a person, remember that. Half the time they don't even know everything about themselves.
And because life is crazy, and this is totally irrelevant to this entire blog post, this is the song that is in my head right now. I guess because it is fun and like a bit of a whirlwind and to be honest doesn't make any sense at all the lyrics are pretty much a jumble of whatever they fancied saying, like life and my family, you have to just go with it and get on with it because what else is there for any of us to do.
I know that in a few months, everything will be fine and settled or at least on it's way to being, but sometimes knowing that isn't enough to get you through without a little bit of stress on the way. And it annoys me when if I talk about being stressed or needing a rest, I get comments about how having a third baby will be harder and he will be with me all the time and I shouldn't have planned to have him if I couldn't cope, blah blah blah.
For one thing, who said I couldn't cope?? Needing to vent, a hug, chocolate, some sleep, time to eat, somewhere to offload, that doesn't mean you are not coping, it just means you are ensuring that you CAN cope. I can cope, my children are fed, James and I am mostly fed, we have clean clothes (albeit often from the laundry basket rather than the drawers), all of the bills are paid and on time, the children get to school on time and with all letters signed and money sent and according to the teachers are delightful and happy, and sometimes I can even see the living room floor!!
Plus it's not about having a third child. It's about having everything happen at once, regardless of any other commitments you might have. If you thought about what could or might happen and what you could cope with and should do and commit to in case various scenarios happened, you would remain locked in your childhood bedroom in your parents house I would imagine. Right now, I often feel that I just don't have the time to be pregnant, and that this pregnancy is surplus to requirements in this current situation. I hasten to add that it is not surplus to requirements in my feelings or James or the children or anybody else. I simply mean that everything is ever so busy that to be honest this pregnancy has passed in a blur and I have somehow reached 31 weeks without even realising (possibly because I miscalculated and did think I was a week behind this......), and that there is so much going on right now in my family that I forget I am pregnant half the time, never mind everybody else.
I haven't a clue when we are moving house. We know we have a house to move to, which is something to be grateful for as so many people are struggling to find somewhere affordable that meets their needs right now, so I know I am lucky in that respect. We know it is most likely some time in the next 2-3 months, and that we can start packing things we don't use often and store them at my parents. Which, on the surface, is great, lots of time to prepare and save up and get organised, right?
The fact that those 2-3 months also include Christmas, the current lease renewal date, and the baby's due date are a slight issue. The fact that my Dad would usually help us move house and is due in for an operation in the next 2-3 months is also an issue. And that my Nana is in a rehab home and my Mum and Aunties are spending the majority of their time either visiting her to make sure she is looked after properly (because she isn't being), or trying to figure out where she will go when she comes out, is another slight issue in this plan. Add to this scenario that my 3 week old niece has just been diagnosed with CF meaning my sister is rather overloaded with information and tired, and that I have to go for pointless genetic counselling (pointless since I have already talked it over with my sister and James and my GP and am not dumb and the NHS is supposed to be short of money) in order to be able to be tested to see if I am a carrier. And that Adam would quite like to meet his biological dad soon please, if you don't mind, just to make sure he's not dead because somebody at school said he might be dead, and that would be sad if he didn't meet him before he died. Oh and then there is the news that my little brother is due home in a couple of weeks, great news and Adam is ecstatic, but means another heap of emotions in my head and another things currently being sorted out and paper-worked and planned by the family. So yes, it's kind of a busy 2-3 months. And I'm kind of tired. And I'm tired of people telling me that I'm tired and doing too much and they're worried I'm not coping.......................but not actually doing anything to help, and instead making it sound like it is all my own fault, when actually no, I wasn't aware that this was all going to happen when I got pregnant and even if I was single with no children I would imagine it would've all been a bit stressful and busy anyway.
The general gist of this is, don't ask somebody if they are ok if you don't want to know the answer, or if when they do tell you they are tired you are simply going to start telling them how tired you are yourself or how tired everybody they know is. And that it's probably not a good idea to decide to get pregnant when everything seems to be quiet because it will probably all explode shortly afterwards and you'll just mostly end up forgetting you are pregnant. And that just because somebody needs to vent and is tired, doesn't mean they can't cope or that they have too many children, it just means that too many things are happening and they need to let some of it out of their head, and if they didn't then THAT would mean they weren't coping, because it is BAD for your health to keep it all inside and not vent and THAT is when you stop looking after yourself and your children and not coping.
I am not complaining, just in case anybody gets the wrong idea. Ever since I was little, I have loved that my family is big and it is messy and it is often quite like a soap opera. Because it means that there is always somebody there, and always some comedy storyline behind the main tragic and stressful ones. It means that Christmas is busy and fun and that there is always somebody somewhere who can pick the children up from school if you pass out on a bus. It means I have lived in houses with not much heating and thick jumpers and moved from bedroom to bedroom as people moved out and moved in, and I truly appreciate being able to let the children buy chocolate on the way home from school, but still want them to know that playing at the park is cheaper and healthier than constantly buying new xbox games. It means that there is always somebody else taking the limelight or the attention so you can just quietly get on with your own life without feeling like you need to please everybody. And one day, I am looking forward to having my children and grandchildren around keeping me busy and needing money and help with childcare and advice on how to deal with mixed up 9 year olds and wild 3 year olds. Because in my family, somebody, somewhere, will have been through it and know what they are talking about, and that is always a useful resource. But that doesn't mean that everything is roses and I don't need a bit of a rest, or that they don't.
Just give people a break. You don't know everything about a person, remember that. Half the time they don't even know everything about themselves.
And because life is crazy, and this is totally irrelevant to this entire blog post, this is the song that is in my head right now. I guess because it is fun and like a bit of a whirlwind and to be honest doesn't make any sense at all the lyrics are pretty much a jumble of whatever they fancied saying, like life and my family, you have to just go with it and get on with it because what else is there for any of us to do.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
"I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one"
My head is rather swimming these days. Every day I seem to find something new to learn about, become interested in, to want to be involved in. I see other people doing things, looking things up and researching, trying them out with their families and friends. And I wonder, how do they do it? Sometimes I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water, keeping the house tidy and organised, ensuring Adam is doing ok at school and has everything he needs, ensuring Jessica is happy during the day and we do enough "stuff" ie painting, baking, drawing, lego building, outdoor time etc etc.
I tie myself up in knots, and worry do I come across as superficially interested in things? Or am I interested in too many things? I love music, but I couldn't go into it in depth like many can, I don't know details about bands, even the ones I like, and I often can't remember the titles of songs never mind their hidden meanings. I love to play, and understand musical notations, but couldn't sit and discuss them with you or how they could be improved upon to make a particular piece sound better.
I love writing, and reading, but don't always know what a "homophone" or an "oronym" is until I look it up.
I am interested in home schooling and know the law regarding it and how it would benefit my eldest child, particularly through secondary, but haven't seen all of the lectures on youtube or read all of the research papers on the subject, and I don't know what the latest buzzwords mean.
I never seem to have time to catch-up with friends, hurried text messages here and there, but I do still care about them. There are some I have grown apart from, but others I keep trying to organise meet-ups and then it falls by the wayside, does that mean neither of us are making enough effort, or just that we are both busy, do I worry too much about this? I have one friend who lives in London, I see her maybe twice a year if that, and talk on facebook, but I definitely count her as one of my closest friends, so maybe I need to stop factoring in that my other close friends live nearer and regard them the same way - we talk when we can, we see each other when we can, and we still deeply care about each other and would always be there if needed.
I see things I would like to do, learn to knit, crochet, make my own wedding invitations, make scrapbooks from our boxes of "photos and things saved as have memories attached to them", japanese number puzzles, cross-stitch.............but I never do any of them, or I start and then leave them unfinished. Does this make me flaky, or just busy, or just forgetful of giving myself time for me?
I want to tone up my stomach and legs, but I do exercise a couple of times and then let it fall by the wayside again, as an un-necessary extra.
I wonder if I am one of those people that others say is all talk and no do. But it's not that I want to be all talk and no do, it's just that I don't have the time?? Do I need to make the time? Is it that many other people just have one or two interests and I have too many and can only dip into each one at a shallow level?
I get things, and care about them and get immensely caught up and passionate about them, such as bullying at school (especially secondary school). But what do I do about them? I think in my head about how it could be tackled, things schools could do, things the police and government could do. Then I think of the feasibility, the age of the perpetrators, the parents of the perpetrators, the fact that people change and if a child has a record at 14 does that label them for life, but if they get it expunged at 18 then do they see it as not mattering so they might as well carry on with their violence and intimidation of others? Does a 14 year old know better, is it their parents fault, is it fair to prosecute parents instead of the child, can there BE a blanket rule for this or is it another one of the "too complicated to legislate and would cost too much as each case is different so we'll just sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not happening" situations, that seem all too frequent these days.
I see people getting passionate about terms and conditions on websites, liability for copyright material used, and I think why am I not bothered? Why do I just see it as "that's life, use it or don't". Should I be bothered? Am I naive? I don't see it as naive, I do know of the issues, I just don't see they are going to change and usually are interpreted sensibly, so perhaps I put too much trust in the fairness of the justice system - even though I know it is flawed, so really I am a complete walking contradiction?
Is everybody like this? Do we ever truly become "grown-ups" and really figure things out. I think I know what matters these days, but just find it impossible to fit it all in, and impossible to think "well I will just concentrate on ONE interest and ONE thing to be passionately campaigning about and ONE thing to try and improve in my own life", because it just doesn't work like that for me?
I'm not really sure, that there is an answer. All I know is that I am not superficial, I do care really about everything I talk about, and if people think I don't, they don't really know me. I get upset when people make presumptions, judge situations without knowing both sides. I allowed myself to get upset the other day about my ex making it out to his friends I am a control freak, when from my point of view, I am trying to regain control of my life from how it used to be when I was with him. Does that make me a control freak or does it merely make me normal, wanting my own life to be my own life? Does me not wanting him to call the shots mean I want to be in control, does that make me the control freak now? It hardly seems fair. But really, why do I worry what he is saying to his friends, and what they think of me, when they are not my friends? I think it's because I try so hard NOT to say things like that, that I make excuses for him, be understanding and considerate of why he might be acting a certain way, yes sometimes I do rant and get annoyed, I think that's normal, and especially when I find out he has said things about me that aren't true. But on the whole I really do try hard to make sure people don't think bad of him, that the children don't think bad of him, and I guess I find it bloody unfair that he doesn't do the same for me and then I find it hard to carry on doing it, being the bigger person and all that.
But really, I just need to be grateful and happy and think of the positives. I am happily engaged to somebody I truly can see myself being with forever, I have a nice place to live, the children are happy and progressing well (in my opinion :P), they have a good dad who sees them regularly, I have lots of family and friends and am in relatively good health. I need to forget about the people who don't know me and judge me (or who even know me yet judge me), and just feel sad that they don't have a happy fulfilled enough life to not need to focus on other people's shortcomings.
I think it's time for the ten things that are good about my life list again people, make us all feel good :D Do your own list, throw away the negatives and just think of the positives
1. I have two children who are amazing and beautiful and kind and just awesome
2. I have found a partner that I truly fit with and who my children love
2. I live within reach of a city, and countryside, a canal, river, parks, farms all within walking or short public transport distance
3. I get good, free, healthcare and relatively cheap eye and dental care
4. My children have access to education and by law are also allowed to be educated at home if I wish
5. I live near a library, greengrocers, butchers, supermarkets, many different restaurants and cafes
6. I am allowed to attend the religious service of my choice and freely talk about the religion of my choice without fear of arrest
7. When needed, I am able to get financial help from my government to help me live, although this seems to be under threat at the moment I hope pressure from the public and many charities will ensure as a country we continue to provide for those who need it and ensure people do not continue to slip below the poverty line
8. I am allowed to campaign and speak my mind about subjects that concern me, and pressure the government to change things, and vote for changes, without fear of arrest
9. I am in relatively good health
10. I have a nice house to live in, with all the necessary furniture and electrical appliances and a garden for the children to play in with a shed and toys to play with
It doesn't matter if other people think I am superficial in my thoughts, I know what I care about and what I know about and the time I have to be involved in it. I do need to try and make some time for myself, but I also need to stop worrying how it comes across to other people.
I like this song. I know, there are some areas in my life, where I could have made different choices. But I am loathe to say better, because the choices I made have brought me where I am today, and I'm not sure today could be any better. I like to not have regrets, to think that everything was part of the end result. I attend church again now, and sometimes I feel uncomfortable, that I should feel ashamed or sorry for things in my past, but I refuse to, and then I wonder if that means I shouldn't be going? I have always had principles, and they may not fit in with the ones that other people think I should be living by but I also don't think they were bad. I never had sex with anybody I didn't deeply care about at the time. I did use drink as a way to get away from myself at times, but when I felt I needed to, and it worked, and enabled me to put my problems away for a while and be me, and then feel more able to tackle them again in a couple of days. I always tried to think of others, sometimes too much, and pretty much everything I did felt right for me AT THE TIME. I won't feel ashamed, or wrong, or bad, because I didn't do things knowingly wrong to hurt others or with a bad intent in mind. And the thing is, the things I have said, others may think "well I have, does that make me bad?". No, it doesn't, if those are your choices, the fact is I made mine and others made theirs and nobody can judge one another's. Just because I felt it was important not to do something, doesn't mean somebody else did, so I would never force my opinions on to somebody else's life. Does this mean I shouldn't attend church? Sometimes I think that, but mostly I just keep quiet when people talk about these things, or walk away, because I refuse to allow somebody to make me feel judged when they don't know the truth. I think of it as "their issue", and not mine, and as the way they chose to live their life, and it would be wrong of me to tell them they are wrong, the same as it would be for them to tell me, so I just choose to not have those conversations. I don't know if this is a cop out, but it keeps me sane.
And sanity, is all we can hope for.
I tie myself up in knots, and worry do I come across as superficially interested in things? Or am I interested in too many things? I love music, but I couldn't go into it in depth like many can, I don't know details about bands, even the ones I like, and I often can't remember the titles of songs never mind their hidden meanings. I love to play, and understand musical notations, but couldn't sit and discuss them with you or how they could be improved upon to make a particular piece sound better.
I love writing, and reading, but don't always know what a "homophone" or an "oronym" is until I look it up.
I am interested in home schooling and know the law regarding it and how it would benefit my eldest child, particularly through secondary, but haven't seen all of the lectures on youtube or read all of the research papers on the subject, and I don't know what the latest buzzwords mean.
I never seem to have time to catch-up with friends, hurried text messages here and there, but I do still care about them. There are some I have grown apart from, but others I keep trying to organise meet-ups and then it falls by the wayside, does that mean neither of us are making enough effort, or just that we are both busy, do I worry too much about this? I have one friend who lives in London, I see her maybe twice a year if that, and talk on facebook, but I definitely count her as one of my closest friends, so maybe I need to stop factoring in that my other close friends live nearer and regard them the same way - we talk when we can, we see each other when we can, and we still deeply care about each other and would always be there if needed.
I see things I would like to do, learn to knit, crochet, make my own wedding invitations, make scrapbooks from our boxes of "photos and things saved as have memories attached to them", japanese number puzzles, cross-stitch.............but I never do any of them, or I start and then leave them unfinished. Does this make me flaky, or just busy, or just forgetful of giving myself time for me?
I want to tone up my stomach and legs, but I do exercise a couple of times and then let it fall by the wayside again, as an un-necessary extra.
I wonder if I am one of those people that others say is all talk and no do. But it's not that I want to be all talk and no do, it's just that I don't have the time?? Do I need to make the time? Is it that many other people just have one or two interests and I have too many and can only dip into each one at a shallow level?
I get things, and care about them and get immensely caught up and passionate about them, such as bullying at school (especially secondary school). But what do I do about them? I think in my head about how it could be tackled, things schools could do, things the police and government could do. Then I think of the feasibility, the age of the perpetrators, the parents of the perpetrators, the fact that people change and if a child has a record at 14 does that label them for life, but if they get it expunged at 18 then do they see it as not mattering so they might as well carry on with their violence and intimidation of others? Does a 14 year old know better, is it their parents fault, is it fair to prosecute parents instead of the child, can there BE a blanket rule for this or is it another one of the "too complicated to legislate and would cost too much as each case is different so we'll just sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not happening" situations, that seem all too frequent these days.
I see people getting passionate about terms and conditions on websites, liability for copyright material used, and I think why am I not bothered? Why do I just see it as "that's life, use it or don't". Should I be bothered? Am I naive? I don't see it as naive, I do know of the issues, I just don't see they are going to change and usually are interpreted sensibly, so perhaps I put too much trust in the fairness of the justice system - even though I know it is flawed, so really I am a complete walking contradiction?
Is everybody like this? Do we ever truly become "grown-ups" and really figure things out. I think I know what matters these days, but just find it impossible to fit it all in, and impossible to think "well I will just concentrate on ONE interest and ONE thing to be passionately campaigning about and ONE thing to try and improve in my own life", because it just doesn't work like that for me?
I'm not really sure, that there is an answer. All I know is that I am not superficial, I do care really about everything I talk about, and if people think I don't, they don't really know me. I get upset when people make presumptions, judge situations without knowing both sides. I allowed myself to get upset the other day about my ex making it out to his friends I am a control freak, when from my point of view, I am trying to regain control of my life from how it used to be when I was with him. Does that make me a control freak or does it merely make me normal, wanting my own life to be my own life? Does me not wanting him to call the shots mean I want to be in control, does that make me the control freak now? It hardly seems fair. But really, why do I worry what he is saying to his friends, and what they think of me, when they are not my friends? I think it's because I try so hard NOT to say things like that, that I make excuses for him, be understanding and considerate of why he might be acting a certain way, yes sometimes I do rant and get annoyed, I think that's normal, and especially when I find out he has said things about me that aren't true. But on the whole I really do try hard to make sure people don't think bad of him, that the children don't think bad of him, and I guess I find it bloody unfair that he doesn't do the same for me and then I find it hard to carry on doing it, being the bigger person and all that.
But really, I just need to be grateful and happy and think of the positives. I am happily engaged to somebody I truly can see myself being with forever, I have a nice place to live, the children are happy and progressing well (in my opinion :P), they have a good dad who sees them regularly, I have lots of family and friends and am in relatively good health. I need to forget about the people who don't know me and judge me (or who even know me yet judge me), and just feel sad that they don't have a happy fulfilled enough life to not need to focus on other people's shortcomings.
I think it's time for the ten things that are good about my life list again people, make us all feel good :D Do your own list, throw away the negatives and just think of the positives
1. I have two children who are amazing and beautiful and kind and just awesome
2. I have found a partner that I truly fit with and who my children love
2. I live within reach of a city, and countryside, a canal, river, parks, farms all within walking or short public transport distance
3. I get good, free, healthcare and relatively cheap eye and dental care
4. My children have access to education and by law are also allowed to be educated at home if I wish
5. I live near a library, greengrocers, butchers, supermarkets, many different restaurants and cafes
6. I am allowed to attend the religious service of my choice and freely talk about the religion of my choice without fear of arrest
7. When needed, I am able to get financial help from my government to help me live, although this seems to be under threat at the moment I hope pressure from the public and many charities will ensure as a country we continue to provide for those who need it and ensure people do not continue to slip below the poverty line
8. I am allowed to campaign and speak my mind about subjects that concern me, and pressure the government to change things, and vote for changes, without fear of arrest
9. I am in relatively good health
10. I have a nice house to live in, with all the necessary furniture and electrical appliances and a garden for the children to play in with a shed and toys to play with
It doesn't matter if other people think I am superficial in my thoughts, I know what I care about and what I know about and the time I have to be involved in it. I do need to try and make some time for myself, but I also need to stop worrying how it comes across to other people.
And sanity, is all we can hope for.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Life Happens to the "Best" of Us
So one of my guilty secrets is that I watch Teen Mom on MTV. Only the original one, and mainly just because of one family in it; two of the others irritate me and the fourth I'm just indifferent to although they can sometimes be sweet.
Maci, the teen mom with Bentley, I just really identify with. I mean by the time Adam was born, I wasn't even a teen mum. I was kind of in no-mans land, too old to be classed as a young mum but not old enough to really fit in as a "normal" age mum. All the mums at antenatal class were about 5-10 years older than me, and all the mums at the "young mums" group were younger than me (or had been when they had their kids). But still, to me, I was a young mum even though I wasn't still at school or anything. Maybe it was amplified by the fact I was single and not working by the time he was born, who knows, but it doesn't really matter how it's classified or viewed by others, it's just how it actually felt to me that matters.
On the teen mom blurb, Maci is classed as the clever one, over-achieving, bright future etc. Then she has Bentley, and they may not say this, but to me when she is starting to think about dropping out of college and wanting to be a stay at home mum, and have another baby, it's not because she is lazy, it's because she is an over-achiever and wants to be perfect and good, and if she can't do it in the way she was going to before she had Bentley, with a career etc, then one way she can do it is by having the perfect family for him, and being the perfect mum. I can identify with that. I think, reflecting on it, that is what I have tried to do. When I was at school I was in all the top sets, I didn't really like coursework so didn't massively crack on with it or even do much revising, but I still got Bs and Cs and began my A levels. When everything started going on in my personal life when I was doing my A levels, I left to get some control and just start over, but still I had goals and aims, and even whilst working in the library I remember sitting there working out a plan to do my A levels in the evening and go to Uni and have a career etc. Then I got pregnant, and everything changed, I guess I figured I had to work with what I was given and if I was going to be a mum then I was going to be a pretty damn excellent one.
I guess I have tried to be pretty much every type of mother there is, in my quest for perfection. I started off being a "stay at home mum", but didn't want to be seen as a "young mum on benefits" so went to college to gain education. I went into early years training as I love kids - I'd originally wanted to be a teacher at school, and figured it would be a good job for a mum if I could get an early years job in a school and have the holidays off etc. So this was my "college mum phase". I was at college/work experience, Adam was in day nursery and that worked for a while. It also gave me a chance to "be a teenager" and figure myself out a little, like all my friends had had the opportunity to do, but without neglecting Adam or being a bad mum because he was well cared for in day nursery and I was studying at college not just slacking off without him there. It was hard work, I remember when he used to get up at 2am until 4am every night for a month, then we would have to get up at 6am to get ready for college, and I'd be running down the road with him in the buggy, sometimes speed-walking all the way to Saltaire from Windhill because we'd missed the bus. And the time I sat in agony crying my eyes out because I had a tooth abscess but had to get my assignment in for the next day and couldn't have anymore time off or leeway as I'd used it all up when he was sick. Or the time he threw himself down the stone steps at the flat and I had to leave him at my mums for the day because I couldn't miss the child protection talk. And crying on my tutor because his day nursery was closing down and I couldn't find another I liked and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't easy, yet I look back on the time thinking it was one of the most fun times of my life, crazy huh. We used to have fun times, a lady on the bus used to give him books every week because she thought he was so good, and I left about 3 buggies on buses :/ Me and Heidi got matching buggies as we'd seen them on sale in Mothercare haha!! One time, I'd just picked Adam up from nursery, it was 6pm and dark as I'd been working late at the library, had all my files with me and all his nursery stuff, and halfway over the road his pram broke, just literally snapped down the sides. I was shattered and had no money for a taxi, and it was freezing, I just rung my mum crying and she came picked me up. One of many "last straw" days, but we made it through and I qualified :D
Then came my "Single mum working school hours" phase. I got a job in a nursery school, thinking it would be perfect as I could have the school holidays off with Adam, and found a great childminder for him. He started a school nursery too, and it was great. But then, he kept getting ill, and was so ill one week they tried him on 4 different antibiotics, and that's when he was diagnosed with kidney reflux. I was torn in half, felt guilty for being at work, felt guilty for not being at work, felt like I hardly saw him except for the holidays. I decided to look for another job where I didn't get the holidays off but worked different shifts/hours so could have a more "normal" life and do school drop-off, morning assemblies, have time off for his nativity and stuff.
So then I started my private day nursery job, this was my "full-time working single mum" phase. Typically for me, I ended up taking on more and more responsibility at work and becoming room leader. Adam would sometimes come to work after school so I could work over as I hated to say no if they needed somebody, or my parents would have him. I was taking work home, doing far too much. And then Paul and I decided to move in together and create the family environment that I wanted Adam to have. We started buying a house, and then Paul had his accident. So that was another thing to get through, another thing to feel I needed to "get right", making sure I was there for him and keeping everyone updated, still working, looking after Adam, making sure the house buying went through - scary stuff buying a house first time and I ended up doing it alone, thank goodness for my Dad helping me out. Doing all the packing and all that stuff, and dealing with the aftermath of an ofsted inspection at work. It was a pretty stressful time, but it was always a case of "well when Paul's better, when we've moved, when work is sorted" etc etc etc...........one day everything would be fine. But I think you need to realise that life will never be "fine", there's always something happening and you just have to learn to live at the same time, not wait for it to be over.
So we moved house, settled in, started my open uni course and started trying for a baby. Really wanted to create that proper family unit, and prove to people that I wasn't just a "young mum" and that I was still clever like at school. Was stressful, working full-time, looking after Adam, doing a Level 4 uni course, and being pregnant. But I guess I still felt I had a lot to prove. When Jessica was born, I tried to do everything right, which obviously didn't work out great as I'd done better with Adam when I'd just used my instincts, but hey we all learn these things over time. So that was my "2 working parents with career aspirations, 2 children, owned house" phase. After a while back at work though, I realised I wasn't focused on my job enough, and if I couldn't be perfect at it, well, I'd rather just be perfect at what I already had on my plate - a stay at home mum.
So began my "dad at work, mum at home with kids" phase. And it worked quite well, until our relationship broke down and I just realised I wasn't happy anymore with my life, and maybe I had rushed into it, wanting Adam to have a Dad and a family, and we had now grown apart. It's hard when there are children involved, if you're with somebody for 5-7 years it's hard enough to split up, but when there are children too you feel like "growing apart" is not a valid enough reason, until you realise that whilst you are so unhappy and ill, you really aren't being the best mum you can be, and that is not in the children's best interests at all. We were only 20 when we met, and he never knew me before I was pregnant, so maybe we should have seen it coming, but you never know anything until you try.
When Paul and I split up I went back to my "Single mum on benefits" phase, but with 2 kids this time and not quite as young, although still only twenties so not exactly old! But I didn't want to stay there, I just took a couple of months to lick my wounds and then decided to try out the "Single mum working school hours" phase again. I found a great job, with a lovely group of staff, albeit a bit far away. I had a few childcare issues as Jessica wasn't used to being away from me and was quite attached, but finally sorted it all out. But again, after a while, the usual guilt-trips set in, the days off for the children being sick, the missing certificate assemblies, the 2 hour bus journey with the toddler in the freezing cold, and then I started getting ill myself with all the worry and the rushing around. And I decided that enough was enough, people could label me however they wanted, but I was going to do the best for my children and myself, and if that meant having to be on benefits so I could be at home for them, then that's what was going to have to happen.
So now, I am once again a "single mum on benefits". And maybe, it's where I need to be right now. But I still feel myself trying to over-achieve, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly to plan, that Adam always has everything for school and goes on all the trips and cub camps, and that Jessica does enough activities during the week, and they eat good food, and I stay on budget and still afford them nice clothes and good shoes and trips to the cinema and they don't feel "poor". And I don't know why I'm bothered because when I was a kid I KNEW we were poor, I knew my clothes came from Margaret and Myra's jumble or Bevan's clothing bins, I knew we got given pasta and cheese from the next door neighbours when my Dad lost his job in the 80's, and I knew I didn't have the uniform with the logos on, and that we went to Butlins with the Salvation Army and Junior Soldier camp because we were given help from the fund. But I wasn't bothered one inch by it, I was happy, so why I think my kids will be bothered goodness only knows??? I never wanted for anything, and I had more My Little Pony's with proper play-sets than any kid in my class cos Bevan found a load in a clothing bin and gave them to me. By the time I was at the age where I would've been bothered, we weren't really poor anymore. And by the time my children get to that age, they'll be independent enough that I'll be out working again and we won't be poor anymore either. We're not poor on that scale anyway, welfare reforms have seen to that, and I am pretty awesome at living and eating well on a budget :D
I've rambled here and lost my point. The whole point of this is, I get Maci, I get her wanting to have another baby even though she was only 19, she didn't really mean it or think it was a good idea, but she wanted to "achieve" in the best way she could, as a mum, and felt like she needed to create the perfect family for Bentley to do that. She wasn't being naive or dumb or young - if she was doing that she would've gone on to have another baby. She was just trying to figure out a way to be herself, be the "best" at things like she used to be, in the situation she had been given.
These days, I still know I have to watch myself, that I need to relax and let Jessica just chill out and play with her toys and watch TV for a day if that's what she feels like doing, and hide under the kitchen table and cut her hair. And I need to let Adam play on the Wii for hours and not worry about it cos the next week he'll probably choose to play out every night after school so it all evens out if I just let it happen. And I am just letting it happen. I'm not staying at home this time because I'm playing a role, this time I know it's right for me and the children, and that it will be right when James moves in too, and when we get married, and if we choose to add to the family in the future, that it will be right if I just go with how we feel, rather than try to do it for a reason or at a certain time or in a certain way. It's still important to work with what you've been handed, and make the best out of it, but it's important to also make sure you find "yourself" whilst you're doing that. Sometimes, you just have to let life happen to you, and it turns out being the best thing you ever did.
The only perfect mum thing that I'm hanging on to and can't let go of, is that I promised Adam I would take him to Disneyland Paris one day, before he started upper school...............that one, I have to make happen somehow.
Maci, the teen mom with Bentley, I just really identify with. I mean by the time Adam was born, I wasn't even a teen mum. I was kind of in no-mans land, too old to be classed as a young mum but not old enough to really fit in as a "normal" age mum. All the mums at antenatal class were about 5-10 years older than me, and all the mums at the "young mums" group were younger than me (or had been when they had their kids). But still, to me, I was a young mum even though I wasn't still at school or anything. Maybe it was amplified by the fact I was single and not working by the time he was born, who knows, but it doesn't really matter how it's classified or viewed by others, it's just how it actually felt to me that matters.
On the teen mom blurb, Maci is classed as the clever one, over-achieving, bright future etc. Then she has Bentley, and they may not say this, but to me when she is starting to think about dropping out of college and wanting to be a stay at home mum, and have another baby, it's not because she is lazy, it's because she is an over-achiever and wants to be perfect and good, and if she can't do it in the way she was going to before she had Bentley, with a career etc, then one way she can do it is by having the perfect family for him, and being the perfect mum. I can identify with that. I think, reflecting on it, that is what I have tried to do. When I was at school I was in all the top sets, I didn't really like coursework so didn't massively crack on with it or even do much revising, but I still got Bs and Cs and began my A levels. When everything started going on in my personal life when I was doing my A levels, I left to get some control and just start over, but still I had goals and aims, and even whilst working in the library I remember sitting there working out a plan to do my A levels in the evening and go to Uni and have a career etc. Then I got pregnant, and everything changed, I guess I figured I had to work with what I was given and if I was going to be a mum then I was going to be a pretty damn excellent one.
I guess I have tried to be pretty much every type of mother there is, in my quest for perfection. I started off being a "stay at home mum", but didn't want to be seen as a "young mum on benefits" so went to college to gain education. I went into early years training as I love kids - I'd originally wanted to be a teacher at school, and figured it would be a good job for a mum if I could get an early years job in a school and have the holidays off etc. So this was my "college mum phase". I was at college/work experience, Adam was in day nursery and that worked for a while. It also gave me a chance to "be a teenager" and figure myself out a little, like all my friends had had the opportunity to do, but without neglecting Adam or being a bad mum because he was well cared for in day nursery and I was studying at college not just slacking off without him there. It was hard work, I remember when he used to get up at 2am until 4am every night for a month, then we would have to get up at 6am to get ready for college, and I'd be running down the road with him in the buggy, sometimes speed-walking all the way to Saltaire from Windhill because we'd missed the bus. And the time I sat in agony crying my eyes out because I had a tooth abscess but had to get my assignment in for the next day and couldn't have anymore time off or leeway as I'd used it all up when he was sick. Or the time he threw himself down the stone steps at the flat and I had to leave him at my mums for the day because I couldn't miss the child protection talk. And crying on my tutor because his day nursery was closing down and I couldn't find another I liked and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't easy, yet I look back on the time thinking it was one of the most fun times of my life, crazy huh. We used to have fun times, a lady on the bus used to give him books every week because she thought he was so good, and I left about 3 buggies on buses :/ Me and Heidi got matching buggies as we'd seen them on sale in Mothercare haha!! One time, I'd just picked Adam up from nursery, it was 6pm and dark as I'd been working late at the library, had all my files with me and all his nursery stuff, and halfway over the road his pram broke, just literally snapped down the sides. I was shattered and had no money for a taxi, and it was freezing, I just rung my mum crying and she came picked me up. One of many "last straw" days, but we made it through and I qualified :D
Then came my "Single mum working school hours" phase. I got a job in a nursery school, thinking it would be perfect as I could have the school holidays off with Adam, and found a great childminder for him. He started a school nursery too, and it was great. But then, he kept getting ill, and was so ill one week they tried him on 4 different antibiotics, and that's when he was diagnosed with kidney reflux. I was torn in half, felt guilty for being at work, felt guilty for not being at work, felt like I hardly saw him except for the holidays. I decided to look for another job where I didn't get the holidays off but worked different shifts/hours so could have a more "normal" life and do school drop-off, morning assemblies, have time off for his nativity and stuff.
So then I started my private day nursery job, this was my "full-time working single mum" phase. Typically for me, I ended up taking on more and more responsibility at work and becoming room leader. Adam would sometimes come to work after school so I could work over as I hated to say no if they needed somebody, or my parents would have him. I was taking work home, doing far too much. And then Paul and I decided to move in together and create the family environment that I wanted Adam to have. We started buying a house, and then Paul had his accident. So that was another thing to get through, another thing to feel I needed to "get right", making sure I was there for him and keeping everyone updated, still working, looking after Adam, making sure the house buying went through - scary stuff buying a house first time and I ended up doing it alone, thank goodness for my Dad helping me out. Doing all the packing and all that stuff, and dealing with the aftermath of an ofsted inspection at work. It was a pretty stressful time, but it was always a case of "well when Paul's better, when we've moved, when work is sorted" etc etc etc...........one day everything would be fine. But I think you need to realise that life will never be "fine", there's always something happening and you just have to learn to live at the same time, not wait for it to be over.
So we moved house, settled in, started my open uni course and started trying for a baby. Really wanted to create that proper family unit, and prove to people that I wasn't just a "young mum" and that I was still clever like at school. Was stressful, working full-time, looking after Adam, doing a Level 4 uni course, and being pregnant. But I guess I still felt I had a lot to prove. When Jessica was born, I tried to do everything right, which obviously didn't work out great as I'd done better with Adam when I'd just used my instincts, but hey we all learn these things over time. So that was my "2 working parents with career aspirations, 2 children, owned house" phase. After a while back at work though, I realised I wasn't focused on my job enough, and if I couldn't be perfect at it, well, I'd rather just be perfect at what I already had on my plate - a stay at home mum.
So began my "dad at work, mum at home with kids" phase. And it worked quite well, until our relationship broke down and I just realised I wasn't happy anymore with my life, and maybe I had rushed into it, wanting Adam to have a Dad and a family, and we had now grown apart. It's hard when there are children involved, if you're with somebody for 5-7 years it's hard enough to split up, but when there are children too you feel like "growing apart" is not a valid enough reason, until you realise that whilst you are so unhappy and ill, you really aren't being the best mum you can be, and that is not in the children's best interests at all. We were only 20 when we met, and he never knew me before I was pregnant, so maybe we should have seen it coming, but you never know anything until you try.
When Paul and I split up I went back to my "Single mum on benefits" phase, but with 2 kids this time and not quite as young, although still only twenties so not exactly old! But I didn't want to stay there, I just took a couple of months to lick my wounds and then decided to try out the "Single mum working school hours" phase again. I found a great job, with a lovely group of staff, albeit a bit far away. I had a few childcare issues as Jessica wasn't used to being away from me and was quite attached, but finally sorted it all out. But again, after a while, the usual guilt-trips set in, the days off for the children being sick, the missing certificate assemblies, the 2 hour bus journey with the toddler in the freezing cold, and then I started getting ill myself with all the worry and the rushing around. And I decided that enough was enough, people could label me however they wanted, but I was going to do the best for my children and myself, and if that meant having to be on benefits so I could be at home for them, then that's what was going to have to happen.
So now, I am once again a "single mum on benefits". And maybe, it's where I need to be right now. But I still feel myself trying to over-achieve, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly to plan, that Adam always has everything for school and goes on all the trips and cub camps, and that Jessica does enough activities during the week, and they eat good food, and I stay on budget and still afford them nice clothes and good shoes and trips to the cinema and they don't feel "poor". And I don't know why I'm bothered because when I was a kid I KNEW we were poor, I knew my clothes came from Margaret and Myra's jumble or Bevan's clothing bins, I knew we got given pasta and cheese from the next door neighbours when my Dad lost his job in the 80's, and I knew I didn't have the uniform with the logos on, and that we went to Butlins with the Salvation Army and Junior Soldier camp because we were given help from the fund. But I wasn't bothered one inch by it, I was happy, so why I think my kids will be bothered goodness only knows??? I never wanted for anything, and I had more My Little Pony's with proper play-sets than any kid in my class cos Bevan found a load in a clothing bin and gave them to me. By the time I was at the age where I would've been bothered, we weren't really poor anymore. And by the time my children get to that age, they'll be independent enough that I'll be out working again and we won't be poor anymore either. We're not poor on that scale anyway, welfare reforms have seen to that, and I am pretty awesome at living and eating well on a budget :D
I've rambled here and lost my point. The whole point of this is, I get Maci, I get her wanting to have another baby even though she was only 19, she didn't really mean it or think it was a good idea, but she wanted to "achieve" in the best way she could, as a mum, and felt like she needed to create the perfect family for Bentley to do that. She wasn't being naive or dumb or young - if she was doing that she would've gone on to have another baby. She was just trying to figure out a way to be herself, be the "best" at things like she used to be, in the situation she had been given.
These days, I still know I have to watch myself, that I need to relax and let Jessica just chill out and play with her toys and watch TV for a day if that's what she feels like doing, and hide under the kitchen table and cut her hair. And I need to let Adam play on the Wii for hours and not worry about it cos the next week he'll probably choose to play out every night after school so it all evens out if I just let it happen. And I am just letting it happen. I'm not staying at home this time because I'm playing a role, this time I know it's right for me and the children, and that it will be right when James moves in too, and when we get married, and if we choose to add to the family in the future, that it will be right if I just go with how we feel, rather than try to do it for a reason or at a certain time or in a certain way. It's still important to work with what you've been handed, and make the best out of it, but it's important to also make sure you find "yourself" whilst you're doing that. Sometimes, you just have to let life happen to you, and it turns out being the best thing you ever did.
The only perfect mum thing that I'm hanging on to and can't let go of, is that I promised Adam I would take him to Disneyland Paris one day, before he started upper school...............that one, I have to make happen somehow.
Monday, 23 January 2012
I'll just get up and try again..............
Today has been one of those days that was fun and had lots of good things in like going to Ikea and buying some things we needed for the house, and buying Adam a chair for his hiding spot in the pantry so he feels he has somewhere to go when he needs a bit of a breather. And we had Chinese food for tea in honour of Chinese New Year, and fortune cookies which the children loved, especially the one that said "The important thing to remember about children, is that there are none so wonderful as your own". We watched Harry Potter 4, and Jessica has decided that she loves Harry Potter films, the same as she became obsessed with Narnia. I think it may partly be to do with the soundtracks possibly, the enchanting drawing in quality of it all?
But it was also one of those days where, again, homework became a battle that will never be won, and indeed I'm not really sure what counts as winning anymore, or who the winner in the situation would be. And where once the children had gone to bed I realised that I still had an immense amount of housework and laundry and pack lunch making and fridge cleaning and shopping list making and general tidying to do. And I was emotionally and physically tired, and I could hear Jessica coughing and just know I will be up again tonight. One of those evenings when you just really don't have all the answers and wonder why all the other parents seem to have them, why they don't seem to be having a child stressed out and in tears because they can't do their homework and they don't get reward stickers in their planner anymore and they're on the bottom table for maths and they never have time to change their reading book and they don't understand what's changed.........................I don't think having the first week of school in January off with a new teacher really helped my little 8 year old bundle of pure raw stress.....................................................
So, I am going to bed. I am going to leave the house, because even though I promised Adam we would keep it tidy from now on, sometimes, Mum's aren't perfect. Sometimes, we just need a night off. And it will come back to bite me tomorrow, but I'm tired, and cry-ey, and really unsure what to do about this newest challenge in the "Things they didn't tell you about parenting" book of life, and I think tomorrow me and Jessica might just have to put some loud music on and have a race to clean the house. Or something like that. It's not the greatest week for me to have a meltdown, since Adam is not sleeping at my mum's tomorrow and neither of them are sleeping at their Dad's on Thursday, but then again they are away all weekend so at least I can have a major rest and clean up then................well, not at the same time, but still 2 days with no children is an ocean of time in my life, so much can be done, including sleep! I will have to miss band practice this week, but this can not be helped, and although I have promised to go in this blog, having my children is an allowable exception. And maybe this week is a good time to have a break, last week, I seemed to see ghosts of the past every time I looked up, and even though I could play this Sunday as the children won't be with me, something in my head just stops me, there's a block there. I think, I am scared, of reminders and memories coming knocking through my walls. I would like to layer new memories on top of the old ones, like a layer of varnish that prevents them coming through, but I'm scared that trying to do so will revive and re-awaken them. And it's not somewhere I wish to go. I think this needs some more pondering on, before I make a decision.
So, I have decided, it is bed time. Everything, including making packed lunches, can wait until tomorrow. Jam sandwiches shall be the order of the day and I refuse to feel bad, after all it is St Dalfour no sugar or nasty chemical jam, after all ;) And I found this song. I like this song. It is a good song to end the day on, for tomorrow is a new day, and I shall start again. Don't skip listening to the song today, it's an important one x.
But it was also one of those days where, again, homework became a battle that will never be won, and indeed I'm not really sure what counts as winning anymore, or who the winner in the situation would be. And where once the children had gone to bed I realised that I still had an immense amount of housework and laundry and pack lunch making and fridge cleaning and shopping list making and general tidying to do. And I was emotionally and physically tired, and I could hear Jessica coughing and just know I will be up again tonight. One of those evenings when you just really don't have all the answers and wonder why all the other parents seem to have them, why they don't seem to be having a child stressed out and in tears because they can't do their homework and they don't get reward stickers in their planner anymore and they're on the bottom table for maths and they never have time to change their reading book and they don't understand what's changed.........................I don't think having the first week of school in January off with a new teacher really helped my little 8 year old bundle of pure raw stress.....................................................
So, I am going to bed. I am going to leave the house, because even though I promised Adam we would keep it tidy from now on, sometimes, Mum's aren't perfect. Sometimes, we just need a night off. And it will come back to bite me tomorrow, but I'm tired, and cry-ey, and really unsure what to do about this newest challenge in the "Things they didn't tell you about parenting" book of life, and I think tomorrow me and Jessica might just have to put some loud music on and have a race to clean the house. Or something like that. It's not the greatest week for me to have a meltdown, since Adam is not sleeping at my mum's tomorrow and neither of them are sleeping at their Dad's on Thursday, but then again they are away all weekend so at least I can have a major rest and clean up then................well, not at the same time, but still 2 days with no children is an ocean of time in my life, so much can be done, including sleep! I will have to miss band practice this week, but this can not be helped, and although I have promised to go in this blog, having my children is an allowable exception. And maybe this week is a good time to have a break, last week, I seemed to see ghosts of the past every time I looked up, and even though I could play this Sunday as the children won't be with me, something in my head just stops me, there's a block there. I think, I am scared, of reminders and memories coming knocking through my walls. I would like to layer new memories on top of the old ones, like a layer of varnish that prevents them coming through, but I'm scared that trying to do so will revive and re-awaken them. And it's not somewhere I wish to go. I think this needs some more pondering on, before I make a decision.
So, I have decided, it is bed time. Everything, including making packed lunches, can wait until tomorrow. Jam sandwiches shall be the order of the day and I refuse to feel bad, after all it is St Dalfour no sugar or nasty chemical jam, after all ;) And I found this song. I like this song. It is a good song to end the day on, for tomorrow is a new day, and I shall start again. Don't skip listening to the song today, it's an important one x.
Friday, 16 December 2011
There's Always The Sun..................
How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame?
Who gets to say?
Who gets to work and who gets to play?
I was always told at school, everybody should get the same.
How many times have you been told if you don't ask you don't get?
How many liars have taken your money .... your Mother said you shouldn't bet?
Who has the fun?
Is it always a man with a gun?
Someone must have told him if you work too hard you can sweat
There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.
How many times has the weatherman told you stories that made you laugh?
You know its not unlike the Politicians and leaders, when they do things by half
Who gets the job?
Of pushing the knob?
That sort of responsibility you draw straws for if you're mad enough.
There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.
There's always the sun.
mmmm
There's always the sun.
Always, always,always the sun.
Tonight my words aren't making much sense. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm feeling not good enough at many things. But I know, there is always the sun, there are always good times around the corner. I have learnt that much this year. So, because my words are not working very well, I am mainly talking through music.
And I'd just like to say....................
Hope to be back on top form shortly ;) xx.
Friday, 25 November 2011
Learning to dance in the rain
It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm sorry about that...................well really I'm not :P I'm been kinda busy, and everytime I've thought to sit down and post, it's just not happened, I've found something else I've needed to do. It has, admittedly, been a rough couple of months. I'm not 100% sure why, if I'm honest. I think I've felt at another crossroads, yet again, and to be honest, it felt like one crossroads too many. Like, you know, why can't my life just settle down for a while, what's with all the decision-making having to happen all the time? But I'm a parent, that's my job. I'm not just responsible for my life, I'm responsible for 2 other peoples aswell, and every single thing I do, say, think about, it impacts on them and affects the people they will grow up to be. Sometimes, in the past few months, I have cried. Sometimes I have laughed. Sometimes I've just sat and not moved. Everything has felt rather overwhelming quite a lot of the time. But I've got on with it, who else is going to do it? And now, finally, I feel like things are coming together, like life is possible again.
It has been, almost exactly a year, since I was ill. Where I am now is a lifetime away from where I was this time last year. And Christmas, well Christmas is around the corner. And my birthday, naturally :D I will be 29, the last year of my twenties. I'm not bothered about getting older, it genuinely doesn't concern me. In many ways I like it, becoming more secure and happy about who I really am, and knowing that the friendships I still have are real and meaningful ones. But I do feel that I need to celebrate this last year in some way. And I'm going to do it by having a fab Christmas. I have not had a great Christmas since, well, I can't even remember when. 2010 I was having a breakdown and then Jessica and I got the flu. 2009 Adam was sick. 2008 I was pregnant, and Adam was sick. 2007 we were under threat of Ofsted at work, trying to buy a house, packing up the flat, and Adam was sick (and 2 weeks later we got Ofsted and Paul had his major car accident). 2006, Adam was really sick as it was when all his kidney reflux came out to play. 2005, Adam was really sick, with a "virus" similiar to measles, and I was snowed under with college work. 2004, I was snowed under with college work, Adam's biological father decided he didn't want to see him at Christmas or actually ever again. And Adam was, shock horror, sick. 2003, Adam had bacterial septicaemia meningitis. 2002, I was pregnant, single, unemployed and didn't know what to do. 2001, I had an engagement ring thrown at me with words similiar to "I was going to ask you to get engaged but now I think I like *other girls name* so I need to think for the next couple of weeks, but I've got nothing else to give you so why don't you just put it on another finger for a bit while I decide"
So this year, is 2011. And this year, I have planned Christmas out already. I have no big expectations. I have planned, to the finest detail, a chilled out, quiet, friends and family Christmas. And it is my Birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20s. And it will be good, and fabulous, because I am with my friends, and family. We may not have a lot of money, we may not have a lot of *stuff*. But we are happy, we are together, and that is all that matters. There are many people out there who do not have what I have, they do not have somewhere to live, food to eat, their children with them. I need to count my blessings, and believe me I do. Oh yes I do.
I am sat here, worrying, that I have lost £108 out of my wage this month. And trying to work out a budget to feed us for a month and still enable us to have Christmas food, take the kids to see Father Christmas, and buy the few pressies I still need to get. But do you know what, what is the worst that could happen to me? I have family, I have friends, who are there to help me. I live in England, we all complain about it but we have the benefits system, we have the housing system, we have hostels and free medical care. If I lived in another country, the worst that could happen is that I could be homeless with my children and be unable to feed them, or myself, and we wouldn't be able to access the medical care we needed. That is a lot lot worse than anything I have to face. And that, is an important thing to remember. Always be grateful for what you DO have, not what you don't. Make the most of what you have, instead of wasting your life away wishing for things that are not there.
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"
It has been, almost exactly a year, since I was ill. Where I am now is a lifetime away from where I was this time last year. And Christmas, well Christmas is around the corner. And my birthday, naturally :D I will be 29, the last year of my twenties. I'm not bothered about getting older, it genuinely doesn't concern me. In many ways I like it, becoming more secure and happy about who I really am, and knowing that the friendships I still have are real and meaningful ones. But I do feel that I need to celebrate this last year in some way. And I'm going to do it by having a fab Christmas. I have not had a great Christmas since, well, I can't even remember when. 2010 I was having a breakdown and then Jessica and I got the flu. 2009 Adam was sick. 2008 I was pregnant, and Adam was sick. 2007 we were under threat of Ofsted at work, trying to buy a house, packing up the flat, and Adam was sick (and 2 weeks later we got Ofsted and Paul had his major car accident). 2006, Adam was really sick as it was when all his kidney reflux came out to play. 2005, Adam was really sick, with a "virus" similiar to measles, and I was snowed under with college work. 2004, I was snowed under with college work, Adam's biological father decided he didn't want to see him at Christmas or actually ever again. And Adam was, shock horror, sick. 2003, Adam had bacterial septicaemia meningitis. 2002, I was pregnant, single, unemployed and didn't know what to do. 2001, I had an engagement ring thrown at me with words similiar to "I was going to ask you to get engaged but now I think I like *other girls name* so I need to think for the next couple of weeks, but I've got nothing else to give you so why don't you just put it on another finger for a bit while I decide"
So this year, is 2011. And this year, I have planned Christmas out already. I have no big expectations. I have planned, to the finest detail, a chilled out, quiet, friends and family Christmas. And it is my Birthday. I will be 29. The last year of my 20s. And it will be good, and fabulous, because I am with my friends, and family. We may not have a lot of money, we may not have a lot of *stuff*. But we are happy, we are together, and that is all that matters. There are many people out there who do not have what I have, they do not have somewhere to live, food to eat, their children with them. I need to count my blessings, and believe me I do. Oh yes I do.
I am sat here, worrying, that I have lost £108 out of my wage this month. And trying to work out a budget to feed us for a month and still enable us to have Christmas food, take the kids to see Father Christmas, and buy the few pressies I still need to get. But do you know what, what is the worst that could happen to me? I have family, I have friends, who are there to help me. I live in England, we all complain about it but we have the benefits system, we have the housing system, we have hostels and free medical care. If I lived in another country, the worst that could happen is that I could be homeless with my children and be unable to feed them, or myself, and we wouldn't be able to access the medical care we needed. That is a lot lot worse than anything I have to face. And that, is an important thing to remember. Always be grateful for what you DO have, not what you don't. Make the most of what you have, instead of wasting your life away wishing for things that are not there.
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Times They Are Changing
It's time to get back to the original purpose of this blog. Now is the time.
I can't quite get myself to go back to the diary, as much as I love it and love the lists, it is somewhere that I needed to be at the time, something I needed to do to get me going, kick-start me. But to go back to doing it now would be too prescribed, too structured, I think I've moved beyond that phase.
Let's refocus on The List Of The Year :D
The children have been on adventures, we have been camping and they loved it - well I'm not sure that Uncle Stuart loved driving around for an hour in the car getting Jessica to sleep on the first night but it's all a learning curve ;) We have moved house twice in the year, which is an adventure in itself, and have re-started Salvation Army attending. Now it's Autumn we can go for crispy walks in the woods and wander along the canal all wrapped up snug and warm with the promise of hot chocolate and warm cookies on our return.
I do believe I am getting better at photos. I am smiling more, letting it be about the moment, and not stressing *too* much. The only problem I have is when you're stood there smiling and there is a massive delay on the camera and your smile starts to feel fake and you feel like a clown. I'm still working on that one.
I went to Bingley Music, spent most of the time in the kids area - which was absolutely fantabulously amazing - but did go down to the music field for a bit and Adam actually loved just standing there for a bit, so next year I think we may try to do it on a more organised scale with more people, blankets, etc. Jessica should be that bit older to make it more do-able anyway. Adam's highlight of the day was seeing "The Teenagers!!!!" from the army, bless him.
I think I'm learning to like myself, I'm sticking up for myself more anyway, it's a work in progress. I'm definitely happier now that I've got my keyboard adaptor working, and have managed to find a tenor horn to loan. I feel I can get back to my self that way. I'm not the greatest piano player in the world to be fair. I can do two hands and I can do my scales, but my fingering is quite often pretty poor and I can never do all the chords and extra bits. Hopefully I play with expression and that makes up for the bad technical skills! So that covers my aim to re-learn the piano. The Tenor Horn is a different story. Well it used to be. I can play that, it's my instrument and I'm good. Many people play it as a poor second to a cornet, there are too many cornets in the band already, or they can't reach the top notes so get "downgraded". Not me, I love the tenor horn. I did start on the cornet, as most learners do, and yes I struggled with the high notes. But when I moved to the tenor horn I fell in love. It's my favourite instrument in the world and it even looks good. It's less pushy than the cornet, it's not there at the front saying look at me look at me. But it's there, it's sound is there in the very centre of the band, and quite often with lovely haunting solos just coming out of nowhere. I just hope I can still play after all this time. I sat in the living room last night with my fingers in the air and seemed to remember the fingering of all the notes, just like riding a bike, so fingers crossed.
I still can't dance, and really I think that's on a back-burner. Not everyone dances, some people prefer to be on the sides with the music. Maybe that's part of who I am, and do I really need to change that? I'm not sure.
My friends I am talking to more. And some old friends I am definitely talking to more. And some even older friends I am talking about important things with, sharing and overcoming past issues. You can't get any more real than that. I have lost a friend or two, but the ties with others have become stronger. And that is what counts. One of my friend's mums said to me, you can't stay friends with everyone you have to do what's best for you, as long as you don't go around purposefully hurting people then that's all you can do.
I haven't been looking on the bright side. My blogs have been rather dark, and I've been slipping, I know that. But this is start-over day. This is the bright side peeking out and making itself known again.
I am laughing more. I laugh with James, mainly. He just can't help himself. I laugh at work, and I laugh with the children, and I laugh with friends. Lightening up is the order of the day.
My house is getting there. I have let it slip slightly in the past week or two but it was tidy enough for me to do that without it causing absolute chaos. I am aiming for Christmas, by Christmas it will be beautiful. This Christmas IS going to be a good one, I know it, and will make it so.
Organising my photos and making memory books and finishing Isaac's birth sampler have all been on a back-burner. I needed to get my head together first, and learn how to relax and let myself have me time again. I seem to never sit down, sit still, or just be. Hopefully I am getting to a place where I can start doing that again, and then, when I am there, they can be brought to the fore once again.
Eating properly and toning up have been a challenge. I was eating properly but then with everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks I just kept forgetting. But I'm trying, I really am, and that is all I can do. I have James here making me food and reminding me to eat, so fingers crossed it will all work out ok. And I will get back on the Wii Fit one day, as with the photos and cross-stitch it has been waiting for me to allow time to myself first. I was going to join Zumba but I've decided it's just too far outside my comfort zone to work, and also I want to go to band practice again which is on the same night. And will definitely enhance my life far more than Zumba. I know myself better these days, and that is a definitely correct choice.
The cinema is a story in itself. I haven't been every month, and not for a while, but I have been more than I used to and I have seen films I would never have thought of seeing. I saw Thor and Captain America and actually enjoyed them, so will be going back more often and trusting in other people to choose good films. As long as there's nothing scary in them. I still always remember when an ex took me to see "Resident Evil". He knew I was terrified of zombies, and because I am a completely naive person to computer games I didn't have a clue what it was about. I couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards, even now thinking about the storyline can make me lie in the centre of the bed with my eyes wide open. So, I complained to my ex before him about this. And he told me how bad this was, how he can't believe he did that. And then, he took me to the cinema. To see 28 Days Later. REALLY?! Now I research all films thoroughly for even the slightest mention of zombies, undeadness, viruses, before getting anywhere near the cinema building. I am open to different genres, but NOT THOSE!!!
So now I am going, as I have a 2 year old yelling at me from the living room for "BEEEBIES MAMA MORE BEEEBIES!!!" And we need to get dressed and get to the army. But I'll leave you with this final bit of wisdom..................
I can't quite get myself to go back to the diary, as much as I love it and love the lists, it is somewhere that I needed to be at the time, something I needed to do to get me going, kick-start me. But to go back to doing it now would be too prescribed, too structured, I think I've moved beyond that phase.
Let's refocus on The List Of The Year :D
The children have been on adventures, we have been camping and they loved it - well I'm not sure that Uncle Stuart loved driving around for an hour in the car getting Jessica to sleep on the first night but it's all a learning curve ;) We have moved house twice in the year, which is an adventure in itself, and have re-started Salvation Army attending. Now it's Autumn we can go for crispy walks in the woods and wander along the canal all wrapped up snug and warm with the promise of hot chocolate and warm cookies on our return.
I do believe I am getting better at photos. I am smiling more, letting it be about the moment, and not stressing *too* much. The only problem I have is when you're stood there smiling and there is a massive delay on the camera and your smile starts to feel fake and you feel like a clown. I'm still working on that one.
I went to Bingley Music, spent most of the time in the kids area - which was absolutely fantabulously amazing - but did go down to the music field for a bit and Adam actually loved just standing there for a bit, so next year I think we may try to do it on a more organised scale with more people, blankets, etc. Jessica should be that bit older to make it more do-able anyway. Adam's highlight of the day was seeing "The Teenagers!!!!" from the army, bless him.
I think I'm learning to like myself, I'm sticking up for myself more anyway, it's a work in progress. I'm definitely happier now that I've got my keyboard adaptor working, and have managed to find a tenor horn to loan. I feel I can get back to my self that way. I'm not the greatest piano player in the world to be fair. I can do two hands and I can do my scales, but my fingering is quite often pretty poor and I can never do all the chords and extra bits. Hopefully I play with expression and that makes up for the bad technical skills! So that covers my aim to re-learn the piano. The Tenor Horn is a different story. Well it used to be. I can play that, it's my instrument and I'm good. Many people play it as a poor second to a cornet, there are too many cornets in the band already, or they can't reach the top notes so get "downgraded". Not me, I love the tenor horn. I did start on the cornet, as most learners do, and yes I struggled with the high notes. But when I moved to the tenor horn I fell in love. It's my favourite instrument in the world and it even looks good. It's less pushy than the cornet, it's not there at the front saying look at me look at me. But it's there, it's sound is there in the very centre of the band, and quite often with lovely haunting solos just coming out of nowhere. I just hope I can still play after all this time. I sat in the living room last night with my fingers in the air and seemed to remember the fingering of all the notes, just like riding a bike, so fingers crossed.
I still can't dance, and really I think that's on a back-burner. Not everyone dances, some people prefer to be on the sides with the music. Maybe that's part of who I am, and do I really need to change that? I'm not sure.
My friends I am talking to more. And some old friends I am definitely talking to more. And some even older friends I am talking about important things with, sharing and overcoming past issues. You can't get any more real than that. I have lost a friend or two, but the ties with others have become stronger. And that is what counts. One of my friend's mums said to me, you can't stay friends with everyone you have to do what's best for you, as long as you don't go around purposefully hurting people then that's all you can do.
I haven't been looking on the bright side. My blogs have been rather dark, and I've been slipping, I know that. But this is start-over day. This is the bright side peeking out and making itself known again.
I am laughing more. I laugh with James, mainly. He just can't help himself. I laugh at work, and I laugh with the children, and I laugh with friends. Lightening up is the order of the day.
My house is getting there. I have let it slip slightly in the past week or two but it was tidy enough for me to do that without it causing absolute chaos. I am aiming for Christmas, by Christmas it will be beautiful. This Christmas IS going to be a good one, I know it, and will make it so.
Organising my photos and making memory books and finishing Isaac's birth sampler have all been on a back-burner. I needed to get my head together first, and learn how to relax and let myself have me time again. I seem to never sit down, sit still, or just be. Hopefully I am getting to a place where I can start doing that again, and then, when I am there, they can be brought to the fore once again.
Eating properly and toning up have been a challenge. I was eating properly but then with everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks I just kept forgetting. But I'm trying, I really am, and that is all I can do. I have James here making me food and reminding me to eat, so fingers crossed it will all work out ok. And I will get back on the Wii Fit one day, as with the photos and cross-stitch it has been waiting for me to allow time to myself first. I was going to join Zumba but I've decided it's just too far outside my comfort zone to work, and also I want to go to band practice again which is on the same night. And will definitely enhance my life far more than Zumba. I know myself better these days, and that is a definitely correct choice.
The cinema is a story in itself. I haven't been every month, and not for a while, but I have been more than I used to and I have seen films I would never have thought of seeing. I saw Thor and Captain America and actually enjoyed them, so will be going back more often and trusting in other people to choose good films. As long as there's nothing scary in them. I still always remember when an ex took me to see "Resident Evil". He knew I was terrified of zombies, and because I am a completely naive person to computer games I didn't have a clue what it was about. I couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards, even now thinking about the storyline can make me lie in the centre of the bed with my eyes wide open. So, I complained to my ex before him about this. And he told me how bad this was, how he can't believe he did that. And then, he took me to the cinema. To see 28 Days Later. REALLY?! Now I research all films thoroughly for even the slightest mention of zombies, undeadness, viruses, before getting anywhere near the cinema building. I am open to different genres, but NOT THOSE!!!
So now I am going, as I have a 2 year old yelling at me from the living room for "BEEEBIES MAMA MORE BEEEBIES!!!" And we need to get dressed and get to the army. But I'll leave you with this final bit of wisdom..................
Thursday, 6 October 2011
She Already Is.............................
Ok...........so I have just seen a new feature on this and it says I have had 4008 page views??? Wow that's an awful lot. Admittedly some are probably me re-reading my blogs, but still I think that is an awful lot, best up the quality of my writing ;)
I am currently sat on the sofa. I should be tidying up, packing Adam's things for camp, washing nappies, getting organised, and going to meet James. But it's not happening, I'm just sat listening to music. I know this is not necessarily good for me, but it's where I am right now. I'm kinda hoping that by writing this out, it may enable me to kick-start myself back up and out there again, into real life. It's been a rough week, too many thoughts and feelings crowding out my head and taking me back to the past where I so don't want to be, but where I need to be to reclaim my own life back. I keep thinking what if, what if I had done things differently, what if I had spoken up for myself back then, what if I hadn't been scared, what if I knew I had a choice. And I keep getting angry, angry that my life is about this now, that it's bleeding out into my life, that it's no longer tucked away all neatly in its little box.
I found this song. I like it. Stupid Boy.
If you think this is about you, or somebody you know, it's extremely doubtful that it is so before you get all offended or offended on somebody else's behalf, please get a grip and remember that not everything is about you.
And that's the point. Stupid Boy. And she ran away, she was long gone. But what happened when she was tired of running? What then? What happened when she realised that to reclaim the part of herself that the Stupid Boy took away, she had to go back and sort it all out? And why does she have to do that? Why does SHE have to do all that, when HE can just carry on with his merry little life regardless, oblivious?
WHY?
I know why. It's because she is the winner. She is the one who can say "stupid boy, you're still stupid, but me, I'm right up here with my life and all is good". She just needs to learn to believe that. And stop trying to make her life perfect, stop trying to be completely perfect at absolutely everything to prove to him that he didn't win, that he never will win. Because she already is perfect. She already is perfect just the way she is, with all her flaws that make her human, with all her guilt that makes her a good parent, with all her hurt that makes her understanding, with all her baggage that makes her accepting, with all her sadness that makes her wise. She doesn't need to keep fighting to be accepted and loved ,because she already is. She already is.
I am currently sat on the sofa. I should be tidying up, packing Adam's things for camp, washing nappies, getting organised, and going to meet James. But it's not happening, I'm just sat listening to music. I know this is not necessarily good for me, but it's where I am right now. I'm kinda hoping that by writing this out, it may enable me to kick-start myself back up and out there again, into real life. It's been a rough week, too many thoughts and feelings crowding out my head and taking me back to the past where I so don't want to be, but where I need to be to reclaim my own life back. I keep thinking what if, what if I had done things differently, what if I had spoken up for myself back then, what if I hadn't been scared, what if I knew I had a choice. And I keep getting angry, angry that my life is about this now, that it's bleeding out into my life, that it's no longer tucked away all neatly in its little box.
I found this song. I like it. Stupid Boy.
And that's the point. Stupid Boy. And she ran away, she was long gone. But what happened when she was tired of running? What then? What happened when she realised that to reclaim the part of herself that the Stupid Boy took away, she had to go back and sort it all out? And why does she have to do that? Why does SHE have to do all that, when HE can just carry on with his merry little life regardless, oblivious?
WHY?
I know why. It's because she is the winner. She is the one who can say "stupid boy, you're still stupid, but me, I'm right up here with my life and all is good". She just needs to learn to believe that. And stop trying to make her life perfect, stop trying to be completely perfect at absolutely everything to prove to him that he didn't win, that he never will win. Because she already is perfect. She already is perfect just the way she is, with all her flaws that make her human, with all her guilt that makes her a good parent, with all her hurt that makes her understanding, with all her baggage that makes her accepting, with all her sadness that makes her wise. She doesn't need to keep fighting to be accepted and loved ,because she already is. She already is.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide...............
It's been a while. Things have been happening. I've broken my camera which creates a problem as it means I can't share in the way I would like, I can't build on the pictures and talk through experiences. I'm trying to win the lottery to afford a new one but so far it's not happening..............
And then just when I was thinking of coming back, my laptop screen also got broke. Super duper this life.
It's so long since I've been on here that they've changed it. It says it's a clean easy to use interface. I find it rather cold, distant, unfriendly, uninviting. Not somewhere that makes me want to write about my life. I'm sure I'll get used to it, everything changes. Some things end. Somebody once said to me "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I can never decide whether or not they were wrong. If something bad is happening, then surely it's good when it ends. But is that still a good ending, because surely it not happening in the first place would've been better really? Can bad things ever go away, have an ending? Or do they remain always there, even when you think you have resolved all the issues.
It's Autumn now, one of my favourite times of year. I like it when the air gets colder and you can go for long crunchy walks and have space to think in your head without having to worry about sunburn or dehydration, or your nose and toes going blue and falling off. I have lots of things to look forward to at the moment. Adam is going on camp and moving up to Cubs. We have devised a system involving a mind-jar and a swing-ball set for future episodes of stress so as to prevent pouring any more money down the drain. Jessica is loving her new childcare arrangements and is talking a lot more since she sent her dummies to the babies in hospital via the dummy fairy. I'm somehow managing to keep the house tidy and sorted, keeping up with work and friends and have even done some Christmas shopping. Amazing huh.
One of the reasons I haven't written since the last post in August is because I have been working through something that is never going to be shared on here, and that I am still working on even now, even though really I thought it would be dealt with and over as soon as I got it out in the open. When you shut the door on something, and then re-open it a long time later to fix it, it's pretty damn hard to make it fit behind that door again. And this is supposed to be a positive space, and I am trying really hard. But sometimes I just want to get off the train and hide down a siding for a while. I was looking on YouTube for the perfect song to go with how I'm feeling. I couldn't find anything, just took a wander around and found all different memories from my past.
This is what I mainly listened to when I was 18/19 -
And this is what I find myself often listening to these days.
"Cos even when I'm a mess I still put on my vest with an S on my chest..." Bit of optimism there for you ;)
When you hide something, put it away, and then come back to it later, you can't just resolve it by telling the right people, having them hug you and apologise and move on. Instead it becomes part of you, something you carry with you, along with everything else. You feel better than when it was hidden, but you don't feel better than if it would never have happened in the first place. So then, you end up feeling angry all over again at the person who caused it. And that is not an easy problem to resolve. But I'm working on it. Partly I just need to stop reinventing myself, and let myself be the person I am, even if sometimes that reminds me of the past. By losing all of my past self, all I do is let the person win. And that can never be a good thing.
And then just when I was thinking of coming back, my laptop screen also got broke. Super duper this life.
It's so long since I've been on here that they've changed it. It says it's a clean easy to use interface. I find it rather cold, distant, unfriendly, uninviting. Not somewhere that makes me want to write about my life. I'm sure I'll get used to it, everything changes. Some things end. Somebody once said to me "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I can never decide whether or not they were wrong. If something bad is happening, then surely it's good when it ends. But is that still a good ending, because surely it not happening in the first place would've been better really? Can bad things ever go away, have an ending? Or do they remain always there, even when you think you have resolved all the issues.
It's Autumn now, one of my favourite times of year. I like it when the air gets colder and you can go for long crunchy walks and have space to think in your head without having to worry about sunburn or dehydration, or your nose and toes going blue and falling off. I have lots of things to look forward to at the moment. Adam is going on camp and moving up to Cubs. We have devised a system involving a mind-jar and a swing-ball set for future episodes of stress so as to prevent pouring any more money down the drain. Jessica is loving her new childcare arrangements and is talking a lot more since she sent her dummies to the babies in hospital via the dummy fairy. I'm somehow managing to keep the house tidy and sorted, keeping up with work and friends and have even done some Christmas shopping. Amazing huh.
One of the reasons I haven't written since the last post in August is because I have been working through something that is never going to be shared on here, and that I am still working on even now, even though really I thought it would be dealt with and over as soon as I got it out in the open. When you shut the door on something, and then re-open it a long time later to fix it, it's pretty damn hard to make it fit behind that door again. And this is supposed to be a positive space, and I am trying really hard. But sometimes I just want to get off the train and hide down a siding for a while. I was looking on YouTube for the perfect song to go with how I'm feeling. I couldn't find anything, just took a wander around and found all different memories from my past.
This is what I mainly listened to when I was 18/19 -
When you hide something, put it away, and then come back to it later, you can't just resolve it by telling the right people, having them hug you and apologise and move on. Instead it becomes part of you, something you carry with you, along with everything else. You feel better than when it was hidden, but you don't feel better than if it would never have happened in the first place. So then, you end up feeling angry all over again at the person who caused it. And that is not an easy problem to resolve. But I'm working on it. Partly I just need to stop reinventing myself, and let myself be the person I am, even if sometimes that reminds me of the past. By losing all of my past self, all I do is let the person win. And that can never be a good thing.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
"Make New Friends And Keep The Old, One Is Silver The Other Gold"
I can't sleep. I had chinese takeaway food. I forgot this makes me not sleep. So I got up to drink lots of juice in the hope of rehydrating my body and possibly getting a couple of hours sleep before I need to get up again. This week I decided, as I don't have my children, to get ever so slightly involved in MAD week at Shipley Salvation Army, where I have started attending again. MAD = Make A Difference. They do lots of things in the community, and a kids club and cafe at the hall, and basically just try and make a difference I guess. And what I have written there will not do it justice at all, they've been doing it 6 years and do shedloads, but I'm no expert on the matter so can't really give you any more details without possibly getting something wrong. I think they try to show people that church doesn't just mean "at church", it can be out there in 'real life' too, or even better it can become 'real life'. I am tentatively getting involved, quite often when I am there on Sundays I feel like an untamed foal, ready to bolt at a moments notice. I think they may have noticed this, they are also quite tentative with me. I *want* to become involved, I really do. But then, I also have this issue with getting too attached to things, to people, to communities, to letting my walls down and then something happens and they have to be rebuilt all over again, but with more broken bricks than the last time. And then it's too late I've come to rely on that support, that friendship, that community, and well.... I struggle without it. So yes, I'm reluctant to get too attached, but maybe I'll overcome that, we'll see. James is happy for me to go. He's not religious in the slightest, but he's also not against it, and he quite likes the supportive community aspect of it. So that is a good thing. I'm not over sure the kid's dad is that pleased with them going, but he hasn't openly opposed it. And I think children need somewhere to belong. When I was a child, I needed somewhere to belong. Plus, Adam decided to believe in Jesus all by himself from when he was little, so who can argue with that one?
So, today, at the Army, the band played People Need The Lord. And all I could think of, was Emma Richardson (now Emma Jones), stood at the front of Music School end of week show (which wasn't called music school anymore at that point, but that was the colloquial term so let's just go with that :p). Singing the solo, People Need The Lord. And all I could think of was, I'd really like to get back in touch with her. When I say "back in touch", she is on my facebook. But, well, as much as I try to keep it trimmed to people I either talk to a lot or know well in real life or just quite simply care about, that doesn't mean I actually talk to everybody on there frequently. I'd put Emma in the "just quite simply care about" category. Which means I haven't talked to her in ages. I even just had to look on her facebook to see where she lived, because I couldn't quite remember. And it says she lives in London, which I genuinely didn't know, and now feel rather bad. When I say I haven't talked to her in ages, she sent me a lovely message when Isaac passed away last year xx. Emma, if you're reading this, it would be nice to have a talk sometime soon xxxx.
The song, in my head, is always an instrumental piece. Because whenever I hear anybody else sing it, it never sounds as good as that night, in that atmosphere. It took me a long time on YouTube to find a decent version of it, they were either shaky camera work or harsh trumpet tones - being from the Salvation Army background, you really learn to appreciate the cornet as the better alternative ;) If you want to know the lyrics, I believe they're pretty easy to find on google. I'm not putting them on here, because well, for me this song isn't about that. And also, I don't want anybody to accuse this blog of being 'preachy', because, well, it's not. I am far from perfect, as is everybody else in this world, and certainly no better than anybody else, in fact probably quite a lot worse than some others in many people's eyes.
From me, good night (or good morning), I am going to attempt 2 hours sleep xxx.
So, today, at the Army, the band played People Need The Lord. And all I could think of, was Emma Richardson (now Emma Jones), stood at the front of Music School end of week show (which wasn't called music school anymore at that point, but that was the colloquial term so let's just go with that :p). Singing the solo, People Need The Lord. And all I could think of was, I'd really like to get back in touch with her. When I say "back in touch", she is on my facebook. But, well, as much as I try to keep it trimmed to people I either talk to a lot or know well in real life or just quite simply care about, that doesn't mean I actually talk to everybody on there frequently. I'd put Emma in the "just quite simply care about" category. Which means I haven't talked to her in ages. I even just had to look on her facebook to see where she lived, because I couldn't quite remember. And it says she lives in London, which I genuinely didn't know, and now feel rather bad. When I say I haven't talked to her in ages, she sent me a lovely message when Isaac passed away last year xx. Emma, if you're reading this, it would be nice to have a talk sometime soon xxxx.
The song, in my head, is always an instrumental piece. Because whenever I hear anybody else sing it, it never sounds as good as that night, in that atmosphere. It took me a long time on YouTube to find a decent version of it, they were either shaky camera work or harsh trumpet tones - being from the Salvation Army background, you really learn to appreciate the cornet as the better alternative ;) If you want to know the lyrics, I believe they're pretty easy to find on google. I'm not putting them on here, because well, for me this song isn't about that. And also, I don't want anybody to accuse this blog of being 'preachy', because, well, it's not. I am far from perfect, as is everybody else in this world, and certainly no better than anybody else, in fact probably quite a lot worse than some others in many people's eyes.
From me, good night (or good morning), I am going to attempt 2 hours sleep xxx.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Sometimes it's Clever to Change Your Mind
Sometimes, if you back out of things, people think you are being cowardly, not stepping up, and generally it is classed as a negative thing to do. But recently, I have been rethinking this. Surely, it is braver to say "hey, that wasn't a good idea after all", and change your mind, than to stupidly go ahead with it anyway despite your doubts, just because you don't want to lose face.
I must confess I have had a rather tough couple of weeks. But I know the cause, and I'm working on the solutions, and I just have to hang in there. I have lots of great support from family and friends and my boyfriend (which still, even now, is weird to say as it just sounds so, well, teenagerish lol!!). Fingers crossed moving in two weeks will help quite a lot. Wow, two weeks, I've only packed up my bedroom. Hmmm. Anybody free to shift boxes on Thursday 3rd June is most welcome lol!!
I have been absent from here, and slightly from facebook, and even more so from texting and phoning people recently. I have been going inside myself rather a lot, hiding from public view, trying to figure things out. It isn't really a good idea and doesn't tend to work as I am more of a people person and need to feel busy and happy to be motivated. But still, I insist on doing it every time I feel like this. Not very clever, again, an instance where changing direction would be the better thing to do. I think, I need to reach out a bit more. Hmmmm, I have an idea, ooohh project alert :D If I have your address, watch out ;)
Tonight, all I need to do is wash up, pack bags + lunches for tomorrow, have a shower, and go to bed. I can't seem to do any of that, but I know that if I don't tomorrow morning will be ten times harder than it will be if I do. And I am buoyed by the fact that I have excellent yet calm plans for this weekend (well, from Thursday onwards in fact), involving James Coleman, Deborah Manktelow, and all day Saturday at home to relax and do some packing. So really I just have to do those jobs tonight and all will be well. I WILL do them, I CAN do them, and that is a fact.
So, on the subject of backing out of things, I think I am going to not go to Kendal Calling in July. I love the idea, but I think that next year may be a better time to go. When Jessica will be 3 and slightly less tantrum-headed, when I may be able to find somebody else to go with, and when we've had some more practical experiences of camping. Strictly speaking, my yearly goal states "Go see live music". It doesn't mention festivals. And even though I would love to take the children to a festival, there is always next year, they may be growing up too fast for my liking but they're not going anywhere "just" yet lol!
So I'm going to look into the idea of maybe a couple of days camping in the summer, and maybe going to a theme park with them or something, I don't really know, I have quite a lot of freedom to figure these things out so I'm sure something will come up. And I think it's the right decision, really. And I think that it also helps pay for the Blackberry that I just bought to replace the cheap Nokia that I just dropped in the bath :p
Friday, 13 May 2011
Everything in Moderation.......
I am absolutely shattered. This week has been incredibly long and busy. And tonight I am slightly worried, I know I am tired and liable to get slightly stressed tomorrow and I'd really like to have a good time tomorrow with the children. So I am going back to my fail-safe way of dealing with these things. Planning. I am going to make plans for tomorrow so that it will all be ok. Usually, I like to just relax with the kids at the weekend, go with the flow etc. But this week has not been usual, and I don't want to end up feeling rubbish. So I am going to plan the day within an inch of my life, and I know it will work. And also, that if everything goes ok, I will feel on top of the world tomorrow night, at having got through a tricky time. So, I am going to go dig out my Toddler Busy Book for some good ideas (Adam will enjoy doing things with his sister or I can extend them for him).
So far, plans are:
Breakfast
Bath
And then, not 100% but will possibly involve playdough, traintrack building, marble run building, baking biscuits, and/or a couple of activities from the Busy Book. Fingers crossed. I have just realised that I've packed the Busy Book so will have to undo that box, but be right. And then, when I've done all that, I will send them off to the Dad's, knowing I did my best, and will spend the rest of my weekend relaxing and being looked after and getting back on an even keel.
Sometimes it's ok to use previous behaviours to help stay on the right path. It won't make me be a control freak, it will just help me get back on track, as a temporary solution it's fine. The next few weeks is going to be kind of tough, with moving etc, so I think it's a good idea to have a plan to help me keep in control, and then try and relax and get back to normal afterwards when we're settled once again in the house. It's ok to be more laid-back etc, but things are kind of hectic and messy at the moment, and I think a bit of planning and listmaking is needed for a bit just to keep things working out.
See you on the other side folks!!
So far, plans are:
Breakfast
Bath
And then, not 100% but will possibly involve playdough, traintrack building, marble run building, baking biscuits, and/or a couple of activities from the Busy Book. Fingers crossed. I have just realised that I've packed the Busy Book so will have to undo that box, but be right. And then, when I've done all that, I will send them off to the Dad's, knowing I did my best, and will spend the rest of my weekend relaxing and being looked after and getting back on an even keel.
Sometimes it's ok to use previous behaviours to help stay on the right path. It won't make me be a control freak, it will just help me get back on track, as a temporary solution it's fine. The next few weeks is going to be kind of tough, with moving etc, so I think it's a good idea to have a plan to help me keep in control, and then try and relax and get back to normal afterwards when we're settled once again in the house. It's ok to be more laid-back etc, but things are kind of hectic and messy at the moment, and I think a bit of planning and listmaking is needed for a bit just to keep things working out.
See you on the other side folks!!
Monday, 9 May 2011
"I'm laughing at clouds, so dark up above....."
I have just seen this poster in a magazine. And it sums up what I have been trying to do these past few months. I want it for my new house, I am definitely ordering it as soon as I move in :)
"LIFE ISN'T
ABOUT
WAITING
FOR THE
STORM TO
PASS IT IS
ABOUT
LEARNING
TO DANCE
IN THE RAIN"
Last night I was tired so I went to bed. Meaning I woke up to a complete shambles of a house and no pack lunches made etc. Luckily the children slept in so I made them then got them up, dressed and straight out the door - Nana's for breakfast this morning. Last night I couldn't seem to get myself into gear. I thought that I would regret that today. But instead, I woke up in an optimistic "start-over" style mood. This evening, I have cleaned all the kitchen and done 3 lots of washing up. Made tea for me and the kids. Cleaned the living room, sorted out washing to send to their Dad's and my Mum's, and put all the clean laundry away. Cleaned all my bedroom, packed everything that I won't need before I move, sorted everything out I'm getting rid of, taken photos of things I can possibly sell, bagged up everything for charity, and vacuumed the carpet. I am pretty awesome, really.
I've rung the estate agent and confirmed my sign-up/move date, and found out the totally great news that workmen are in all this week sorting every single little problem out. I've made a list of house-moving things to do and sort, and done some already, and to be honest don't majorly feel that stressed, which is weird but there we go!! Although could do with boxes, if anyone has any going spare!!
I've also found a totally awesome wagon for the festival, and some ultra-cool ear defenders, so that is also on target :D
Jessica was ill this weekend, we had to take her to a&e Sunday morning at 6am. Bad timing, wouldn't recommend it, they're wading through all the paperwork from the Saturday night idiots. But anyway, it was ok, apart from being stood behind a bloke who'd had a sore throat for 4 weeks. And I caught the signs early enough that she is getting better already, rather than being in hospital for a week like she was last time. So as much as October was pretty tough, obviously something very important was learned and made use of.
Sometimes things are pretty tough, and somebody standing there saying "you've just got to make the best of it", makes you want to smack them over the head with a frying pan. But, when you calm down, it's kinda true. If you truly live through whatever is going on, not just exist and hope it passes, but truly live and experience it, then you do become a stronger and richer person, and life will never be able to make you feel that hopeless ever again. Take back your power and control over your life, don't let it control you. I'm not happier because I've changed who I am. I'm happier because I'm being who I am. And when you take control of a really rubbish situation, or moment, the feeling of achievement is ten thousand times higher than when you do it from an easy starting position. I would definitely recommend trying it.
"LIFE ISN'T
ABOUT
WAITING
FOR THE
STORM TO
PASS IT IS
ABOUT
LEARNING
TO DANCE
IN THE RAIN"
Last night I was tired so I went to bed. Meaning I woke up to a complete shambles of a house and no pack lunches made etc. Luckily the children slept in so I made them then got them up, dressed and straight out the door - Nana's for breakfast this morning. Last night I couldn't seem to get myself into gear. I thought that I would regret that today. But instead, I woke up in an optimistic "start-over" style mood. This evening, I have cleaned all the kitchen and done 3 lots of washing up. Made tea for me and the kids. Cleaned the living room, sorted out washing to send to their Dad's and my Mum's, and put all the clean laundry away. Cleaned all my bedroom, packed everything that I won't need before I move, sorted everything out I'm getting rid of, taken photos of things I can possibly sell, bagged up everything for charity, and vacuumed the carpet. I am pretty awesome, really.
I've rung the estate agent and confirmed my sign-up/move date, and found out the totally great news that workmen are in all this week sorting every single little problem out. I've made a list of house-moving things to do and sort, and done some already, and to be honest don't majorly feel that stressed, which is weird but there we go!! Although could do with boxes, if anyone has any going spare!!
I've also found a totally awesome wagon for the festival, and some ultra-cool ear defenders, so that is also on target :D
Jessica was ill this weekend, we had to take her to a&e Sunday morning at 6am. Bad timing, wouldn't recommend it, they're wading through all the paperwork from the Saturday night idiots. But anyway, it was ok, apart from being stood behind a bloke who'd had a sore throat for 4 weeks. And I caught the signs early enough that she is getting better already, rather than being in hospital for a week like she was last time. So as much as October was pretty tough, obviously something very important was learned and made use of.
Sometimes things are pretty tough, and somebody standing there saying "you've just got to make the best of it", makes you want to smack them over the head with a frying pan. But, when you calm down, it's kinda true. If you truly live through whatever is going on, not just exist and hope it passes, but truly live and experience it, then you do become a stronger and richer person, and life will never be able to make you feel that hopeless ever again. Take back your power and control over your life, don't let it control you. I'm not happier because I've changed who I am. I'm happier because I'm being who I am. And when you take control of a really rubbish situation, or moment, the feeling of achievement is ten thousand times higher than when you do it from an easy starting position. I would definitely recommend trying it.
Monday, 25 April 2011
"You Just Call, Out My Name...."
We often take friends for granted. But just the smallest thing, can let people know we value them. Reminding them of a fond memory, a photo, sending a "surprise hug" text, remembering they had an appointment that morning. I have a lot of friends. I love them all, in different ways. And in the past few months, have found out, often surprisingly, who I can lean on with no strings attached. I can't mention people by name, because I tried, and there are too many, and I don't want to miss anybody out.
Memories are an amazing thing, they bolster us through the toughest times. Sitting here, I can see a sleeve of my upper school jumper sticking out of my memory box. And I can remember all the stuff wrote on there, and those mad last days with everybody running around with pens. I can see my photo board with random friend pictures on, quite a few from Christmas Eves in the Ring O Bells, a couple from Sam's birthdays in London, one from Morecambe, one from Bingley, and lots of empty spaces waiting to be filled. In my memory boxes, are photos of random parties at my flat, all blurring into one event although from the clothes there were at least 2 and I'm pretty sure there were others. Random words bring up random memories. Wands and tiaras and pink cowboy hats from hen parties long gone (marriages still intact too :D), and notebooks full of scribbles.
When I move into my new house, I really am going to sort all those boxes out, and make a memory book (and box for the larger things), that I can flick through on those days when I need a boost. And when we're having a girly wine night in. And when I'm old and decrepit and my children say "mum, you don't have a clue what it's LIKE to be me" I can show them it too.
I think, I might need some help from friends in the next couple of months. Moving house again is quite possibly not what I needed right now. But, I know, from last time, that if I ring people and ask, they will really come and really help. And if anybody needs anybody help from me, they know where to come, this door is always open. I don't know if it's being from a big family, or from being brought up by all the different people in the Salvation Army, or from being looked after by all different people in the school holidays whilst my parents worked, or just from human nature. But whatever it is, I'm at my happiest and best when surrounded by my friends. Hopefully this Sunday will be a good weather day, and my house and garden will be full of the people that I love being with, and we can all have smiles on our faces :)
Memories are an amazing thing, they bolster us through the toughest times. Sitting here, I can see a sleeve of my upper school jumper sticking out of my memory box. And I can remember all the stuff wrote on there, and those mad last days with everybody running around with pens. I can see my photo board with random friend pictures on, quite a few from Christmas Eves in the Ring O Bells, a couple from Sam's birthdays in London, one from Morecambe, one from Bingley, and lots of empty spaces waiting to be filled. In my memory boxes, are photos of random parties at my flat, all blurring into one event although from the clothes there were at least 2 and I'm pretty sure there were others. Random words bring up random memories. Wands and tiaras and pink cowboy hats from hen parties long gone (marriages still intact too :D), and notebooks full of scribbles.
When I move into my new house, I really am going to sort all those boxes out, and make a memory book (and box for the larger things), that I can flick through on those days when I need a boost. And when we're having a girly wine night in. And when I'm old and decrepit and my children say "mum, you don't have a clue what it's LIKE to be me" I can show them it too.
I think, I might need some help from friends in the next couple of months. Moving house again is quite possibly not what I needed right now. But, I know, from last time, that if I ring people and ask, they will really come and really help. And if anybody needs anybody help from me, they know where to come, this door is always open. I don't know if it's being from a big family, or from being brought up by all the different people in the Salvation Army, or from being looked after by all different people in the school holidays whilst my parents worked, or just from human nature. But whatever it is, I'm at my happiest and best when surrounded by my friends. Hopefully this Sunday will be a good weather day, and my house and garden will be full of the people that I love being with, and we can all have smiles on our faces :)
Monday, 18 April 2011
"I come in peace...."
So, obviously, as I practically live on facebook when I am stressed, most people will know that I have to move house. And really, I should be grateful that I got 11 weeks notice. They could've just given me one month's notice. And they do seem very eager for me to get the house tomorrow, so hopefully the owner will like me. Fingers crossed.
I knew something would go wrong soon. Things were going far too well, tempting fate and all that. And you know, they do say sometimes that doors close so that other doors can open. The house we're going to look at tomorrow is on the same street as Adam's best friend at school, so that will give him somebody to play with, and it is also only around the corner from where Adam goes to Beavers/Cubs so that might also have some potential for an easier life. Got to look on the bright side and all that!
Sometimes it's kind of tiring, looking on the bright side and being strong all the time. I will sadly confess that I did slightly snap at somebody for saying I was strong today. But I apologised, because they are the last person in the world I want to fall out with right now, and they were being nice, it was just me being rubbish. Sometimes, I just get a bit fed up of always handling everything and being capable and knowing how to do everything and always working things out and being strong and dealing with things. Sometimes, I just wish somebody would come knock on my door, give me a hug, clean up my kitchen, make me coffee and cake, and tell me everything will be fine. I tripped over Buzz Lightyear just now, he said "I come in peace", and I thought, I wish..............
I knew something would go wrong soon. Things were going far too well, tempting fate and all that. And you know, they do say sometimes that doors close so that other doors can open. The house we're going to look at tomorrow is on the same street as Adam's best friend at school, so that will give him somebody to play with, and it is also only around the corner from where Adam goes to Beavers/Cubs so that might also have some potential for an easier life. Got to look on the bright side and all that!
Sometimes it's kind of tiring, looking on the bright side and being strong all the time. I will sadly confess that I did slightly snap at somebody for saying I was strong today. But I apologised, because they are the last person in the world I want to fall out with right now, and they were being nice, it was just me being rubbish. Sometimes, I just get a bit fed up of always handling everything and being capable and knowing how to do everything and always working things out and being strong and dealing with things. Sometimes, I just wish somebody would come knock on my door, give me a hug, clean up my kitchen, make me coffee and cake, and tell me everything will be fine. I tripped over Buzz Lightyear just now, he said "I come in peace", and I thought, I wish..............
Saturday, 16 April 2011
You know, when you just need to write.............
I have taken a cool picture of the kids, squished next to each other on the sofa with baseball caps on, bless them. Adam put his new transformers cap on as soon as I showed him it, leading Jessica to point to his grey one from last year and demand it on. So they sat and watched Toy Story 3, eating sweets, with baseball caps on. Bless. Jessica's favourite laugh out loud bit of the film? When Big Baby blows a raspberry at Lotso, she killed herself laughing, pointing her fingers and blowing raspberries at the tv lol.
So I have this picture, and Adam said "please can you put it on facebook" hahaha. Children of the new technological age and all that. But I can't find my camera lead, gutted, really wanted to put it on cos it's cute. And cos he asked me to, which is also cute.
Tonight, I am in a funny mood. Today has been good, a really fun day, and had a good time with the kids tonight, and it's the start of the holidays and we have lots of cool plans and things are really starting to come together in all different ways. So earlier I was really really happy. And I guess, really, I am really really happy. But that is freaking me out somewhat. This song is a bit of how I feel right now, I guess.
Because, well, everything is too easy right now. I mean, not everything, some things are still a little rocky, but I'm handling them well and getting lots of support, therefore they then become easy. Surely it's not right, that everything is so easy? It's kind of scary, like being on the edge waiting for something to go wrong. Hmmmm. We'll see. I felt the need to blog tonight, which hasn't happened for a while. I've done them because I wanted to, but not because I needed to, like right in the beginning when I started it was definitely always because I needed to. Somebody said to me the other day, that the reason they were worried is because they were happy. And now, I kind of understand what they meant.
So I have this picture, and Adam said "please can you put it on facebook" hahaha. Children of the new technological age and all that. But I can't find my camera lead, gutted, really wanted to put it on cos it's cute. And cos he asked me to, which is also cute.
Tonight, I am in a funny mood. Today has been good, a really fun day, and had a good time with the kids tonight, and it's the start of the holidays and we have lots of cool plans and things are really starting to come together in all different ways. So earlier I was really really happy. And I guess, really, I am really really happy. But that is freaking me out somewhat. This song is a bit of how I feel right now, I guess.
Monday, 11 April 2011
You Live You Learn
I have had an amazingly busy week, with lots of things happening. And it's caused me to look back and think. In the last 6 months, I have moved house and area, returned to work and got a new job, ended a long-term relationship, made some really good new friends, drifted from a couple of old ones, gone back to church, changed many of my own personal goals and plans for the future, and possibly, albeit rather tentatively, started a new relationship - the gossip train's are up and running, might as well confirm it, but shhhhhh because I am a bit shy :s. That's quite a lot of change for one person. But, good change. And that is the key, changes can be good, if you make the right decisions. I have had important decisions to make this week, and am hoping that I have made the right ones, so fingers crossed!!
This weekend has been one of those weekends that feels like it has stretched on forever, like it's ages since I have been at work. And as I finally found my house keys and camera, we have been in the back garden, and taken lots of pictures!!
Nappies drying outside where they belong!
The tree I tore down with my bare hands :D
The decimated tree...........yeah Jessica could snap it too, I guess it was kinda dead......
Jessica being embarrassed that she had got herself trapped
I will FORCE my way through!!!
Putting them to work - not exactly child labour, it is going to be their area!
TaDa!!!!
Outdoor living ahhhhhhh......
Adam seemed to look very old to me this Sunday :( and :), mixed feelings :s
And then Jessica let me plait her hair and looked all grown up too!!!
Jessica's first plait
So all is good - but now what do we do with this lot???
So, yes, to be fair, I am still up and down. The smallest things can make me feel rubbish yet big massive things I can sometimes handle. It works the other way though, the smallest things can make me feel on top of the world. And it's those small things that need to be focused on, rather than the ones that have a negative affect.
Today was a good day because:
I got the washing put out on the line before I set off for work and still set off on time
I thought I had only enough money for a fare to Bradford, but then my card had money on so I could get a dayrider
The weather brightened up just at the right time for me to go home with no coat on
I got the washing up done before both children came home tonight
The washing outside was all dry despite the earlier rain shower
I got invited to a party
All those little things just made me feel happy and alive. I love my job, and my house is great, my garden is amazing, and I have incredibly great friends and family.
I just feel there is a lot to do right now, so much to organise and work out, and I often feel like I'm walking through a minefield, constantly negotiating and retracing my steps, and it's kind of tiring. Sometimes I wish I could fast-forward my life to a more settled time, but then how would I learn anything or grow into who I am supposed to be? And as I write this, "We live, we learn" is coming into my head. Think it's an Alanis Morisette song, must find it. Ah, here we go:
Today's thought? Ask yourself this question - What's the worst that could happen? And if you can live with that, then do it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)