My Favourite Time of the Year

Well!
I don't really know why I gave up writing. I think, I was at a stage where the original purpose of this blog had finished, I was happy with myself again and had lots of reasons to, just simply, be alive. I was at a crossroads where I had to decide whether to stop writing or to change, develop, evolve. People were telling me I had lots to give, stories and tips to share, cooking advice (I make everything up as I go along), cleaning tips (I blag it), child-raising tips (see cooking advice)...........and I felt under pressure to organise my blog with meta tags, categories, etc. So I decided that I was giving too much of myself away, and ignoring my own advice to other people, which is to always prioritise your home life first. So I quit.

Looking back, it was the right thing at the time but now I miss it. I don't think I would be giving too much of myself away, I think rather I need to not try to make it perfect. Not organise it with meta tags and filters and categories unless I feel like it (first I would have to learn how to actually use them anyway.........). And make no apologies for that. So I'm back. But I'm not promising regular posts and I'm not promising structure. I'm not promising that every post will be useful, and many may be self-indulgent ramblings like this one. But I do promise that I shall be writing with honesty, and in my own style. And what more can anyone offer.

So, today. Today is October!! I do love this time of year. It is a funny time, between about now and February, they are my favourite four months. Yet they are also bitter-sweet and hold none of my children's birthday, family holidays, beach trips, long school holidays, garden days or any of the other things that I enjoy during the rest of the year. So why are they my favourite? I guess there are many reasons. And this may be a re-occurring theme of my blog for a few months, as there is no chance I can fit them all in this one.

It's the time of year when you can focus inwards on your family without feeling you are being rude. The nights are longer and start earlier, the weather can be unsociable, and everybody is either saving for Christmas or paying it off. More of the events organised are family ones, and you don't need to de-fuzz, tan, or wear skimpy unflattering clothes to attend!

This, however, is what also makes it bitter-sweet. Many special memories from the past are hidden in these few months, not just for me but for other people too. It can bring on a feeling of nostalgia, and it is important to remember what you have NOW, as well as remember what you had then, to avoid getting lost in the feelings. There is no need to forget treasured memories, indeed it is part of who we are and should never be lost. But it is important to remember not to dwell. I believe there is a line in Harry Potter that sums it up well, when Harry has spent much time looking in the Mirror of Erised and Dumbledore says to him

"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live, remember that"

We are all guilty of this at times. This is part of the reason I am starting to write again, I myself have realised that recently I am constantly saying "When we move...........when the baby comes..........after my sister's wedding....................after our wedding.................when Adam finishes primary school.........when Jessica starts sleeping.............", as if these events are necessary before we can just "live" our lives. When actually, we are living them now. I am often guilty of not living in the present. I reminisce about the past, and I plan (somewhat excessively!) for the future. If I don't put a stop to this now, I can guarantee that when all of the above life events have happened I will simply find more to fill that gap. I have recently taken up knitting. When I knit, I sit and I knit something that is going to be used now, in the present. I am also working on a blanket for the baby, that will be used not that far in the future. I think this is helping me re-focus on what is happening now and enjoy the life I have.

 And there are new memories in these 4 months to remember, and indeed still to have. I met James in February 2011, which seems crazy to me as that was only last year and I feel I have known him forever. When we actually properly "got it together" is rather vague and I couldn't pin it down to one day, so I choose to remember the night we met instead, even though nothing at all happened between us and I left that night not even dreaming that I had just met the man I was going to marry. Although he did leave a good impression having waited outside with me for my taxi and offered me his jacket to keep warm. Here is a picture from that night, and with hindsight, I like it. Apparently, according to Roj, it was pretty obvious he liked me as he tidied all his room a couple of weeks later for me coming for tea, which anybody who knows James will know is rather rare ;) 

I still find it crazy to think that this was only last year.

Of course, one more memory to be made, in that vague "he's not coming til after Christmas" time that Jessica classes it as, is that the baby is due in January. As of next Thursday I will be 6 months pregnant, which has gone rather fast (and, as all mothers will know, now slows down to the speed of a snail for the last 3 months). The children are both rather excited, Jessica has developed a positively lovely interest in all babies and toddlers and is even happily giving her things away to them, and Adam is just busy telling everybody that "it's ok, we are having a boy, I LOVE Jessica but I don't think we could have survived another one of her.........", and I gently have to remind him that there is no guarantee what the baby's personality will be like. Bless, he is under the illusion that he was and is a perfect child. But, of course, in many ways his illusion is correct, as both of my children are perfect..........for themselves. As are we all.

This is a great song. When I listen I remember many many times. Some good, some sad, but all are important times of my life that have made me "me", and now it is time to have some more.

Times They Are Changing

It's time to get back to the original purpose of this blog. Now is the time.
I can't quite get myself to go back to the diary, as much as I love it and love the lists, it is somewhere that I needed to be at the time, something I needed to do to get me going, kick-start me. But to go back to doing it now would be too prescribed, too structured, I think I've moved beyond that phase.

Let's refocus on The List Of The Year :D

The children have been on adventures, we have been camping and they loved it - well I'm not sure that Uncle Stuart loved driving around for an hour in the car getting Jessica to sleep on the first night but it's all a learning curve ;) We have moved house twice in the year, which is an adventure in itself, and have re-started Salvation Army attending. Now it's Autumn we can go for crispy walks in the woods and wander along the canal all wrapped up snug and warm with the promise of hot chocolate and warm cookies on our return.

I do believe I am getting better at photos. I am smiling more, letting it be about the moment, and not stressing *too* much. The only problem I have is when you're stood there smiling and there is a massive delay on the camera and your smile starts to feel fake and you feel like a clown. I'm still working on that one.

I went to Bingley Music, spent most of the time in the kids area - which was absolutely fantabulously amazing - but did go down to the music field for a bit and Adam actually loved just standing there for a bit, so next year I think we may try to do it on a more organised scale with more people, blankets, etc. Jessica should be that bit older to make it more do-able anyway. Adam's highlight of the day was seeing "The Teenagers!!!!" from the army, bless him.

I think I'm learning to like myself, I'm sticking up for myself more anyway, it's a work in progress. I'm definitely happier now that I've got my keyboard adaptor working, and have managed to find a tenor horn to loan. I feel I can get back to my self that way. I'm not the greatest piano player in the world to be fair. I can do two hands and I can do my scales, but my fingering is quite often pretty poor and I can never do all the chords and extra bits. Hopefully I play with expression and that makes up for the bad technical skills! So that covers my aim to re-learn the piano. The Tenor Horn is a different story. Well it used to be. I can play that, it's my instrument and I'm good. Many people play it as a poor second to a cornet, there are too many cornets in the band already, or they can't reach the top notes so get "downgraded". Not me, I love the tenor horn. I did start on the cornet, as most learners do, and yes I struggled with the high notes. But when I moved to the tenor horn I fell in love. It's my favourite instrument in the world and it even looks good. It's less pushy than the cornet, it's not there at the front saying look at me look at me. But it's there, it's sound is there in the very centre of the band, and quite often with lovely haunting solos just coming out of nowhere. I just hope I can still play after all this time. I sat in the living room last night with my fingers in the air and seemed to remember the fingering of all the notes, just like riding a bike, so fingers crossed.

I still can't dance, and really I think that's on a back-burner. Not everyone dances, some people prefer to be on the sides with the music. Maybe that's part of who I am, and do I really need to change that? I'm not sure.

My  friends I am talking to more. And some old friends I am definitely talking to more. And some even older friends I am talking about important things with, sharing and overcoming past issues. You can't get any more real than that. I have lost a friend or two, but the ties with others have become stronger. And that is what counts. One of my friend's mums said to me, you can't stay friends with everyone you have to do what's best for you, as long as you don't go around purposefully hurting people then that's all you can do.

I haven't been looking on the bright side. My blogs have been rather dark, and I've been slipping, I know that. But this is start-over day. This is the bright side peeking out and making itself known again.

I am laughing more. I laugh with James, mainly. He just can't help himself. I laugh at work, and I laugh with the children, and I laugh with friends. Lightening up is the order of the day.

My house is getting there. I have let it slip slightly in the past week or two but it was tidy enough for me to do that without it causing absolute chaos. I am aiming for Christmas, by Christmas it will be beautiful. This Christmas IS going to be a good one, I know it, and will make it so.

Organising my photos and making memory books and finishing Isaac's birth sampler have all been on a back-burner. I needed to get my head together first, and learn how to relax and let myself have me time again. I seem to never sit down, sit still, or just be. Hopefully I am getting to a place where I can start doing that again, and then, when I am there, they can be brought to the fore once again.

Eating properly and toning up have been a challenge. I was eating properly but then with everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks I just kept forgetting. But I'm trying, I really am, and that is all I can do. I have James here making me food and reminding me to eat, so fingers crossed it will all work out ok. And I will get back on the Wii Fit one day, as with the photos and cross-stitch it has been waiting for me to allow time to myself first. I was going to join Zumba but I've decided it's just too far outside my comfort zone to work, and also I want to go to band practice again which is on the same night. And will definitely enhance my life far more than Zumba. I know myself better these days, and that is a definitely correct choice.

The cinema is a story in itself. I haven't been every month, and not for a while, but I have been more than I used to and I have seen films I would never have thought of seeing. I saw Thor and Captain America and actually enjoyed them, so will be going back more often and trusting in other people to choose good films. As long as there's nothing scary in them. I still always remember when an ex took me to see "Resident Evil". He knew I was terrified of zombies, and because I am a completely naive person to computer games I didn't have a clue what it was about. I couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards, even now thinking about the storyline can make me lie in the centre of the bed with my eyes wide open. So, I complained to my ex before him about this. And he told me how bad this was, how he can't believe he did that. And then, he took me to the cinema. To see 28 Days Later. REALLY?! Now I research all films thoroughly for even the slightest mention of zombies, undeadness, viruses, before getting anywhere near the cinema building. I am open to different genres, but NOT THOSE!!!

So now I am going, as I have a 2 year old yelling at me from the living room for "BEEEBIES MAMA MORE BEEEBIES!!!" And we need to get dressed and get to the army. But I'll leave you with this final bit of wisdom..................

Sometimes it's Clever to Change Your Mind

Sometimes, if you back out of things, people think you are being cowardly, not stepping up, and generally it is classed as a negative thing to do. But recently, I have been rethinking this. Surely, it is braver to say "hey, that wasn't a good idea after all", and change your mind, than to stupidly go ahead with it anyway despite your doubts, just because you don't want to lose face.
I must confess I have had a rather tough couple of weeks. But I know the cause, and I'm working on the solutions, and I just have to hang in there. I have lots of great support from family and friends and my boyfriend (which still, even now, is weird to say as it just sounds so, well, teenagerish lol!!). Fingers crossed moving in two weeks will help quite a lot. Wow, two weeks, I've only packed up my bedroom. Hmmm. Anybody free to shift boxes on Thursday 3rd June is most welcome lol!!
I have been absent from here, and slightly from facebook, and even more so from texting and phoning people recently. I have been going inside myself rather a lot, hiding from public view, trying to figure things out. It isn't really a good idea and doesn't tend to work as I am more of a people person and need to feel busy and happy to be motivated. But still, I insist on doing it every time I feel like this. Not very clever, again, an instance where changing direction would be the better thing to do. I think, I need to reach out a bit more. Hmmmm, I have an idea, ooohh project alert :D If I have your address, watch out ;)
Tonight, all I need to do is wash up, pack bags + lunches for tomorrow, have a shower, and go to bed. I can't seem to do any of that, but I know that if I don't tomorrow morning will be ten times harder than it will be if I do. And I am buoyed by the fact that I have excellent yet calm plans for this weekend (well, from Thursday onwards in fact), involving James Coleman, Deborah Manktelow, and all day Saturday at home to relax and do some packing. So really I just have to do those jobs tonight and all will be well. I WILL do them, I CAN do them, and that is a fact.
So, on the subject of backing out of things, I think I am going to not go to Kendal Calling in July. I love the idea, but I think that next year may be a better time to go. When Jessica will be 3 and slightly less tantrum-headed, when I may be able to find somebody else to go with, and when we've had some more practical experiences of camping. Strictly speaking, my yearly goal states "Go see live music". It doesn't mention festivals. And even though I would love to take the children to a festival, there is always next year, they may be growing up too fast for my liking but they're not going anywhere "just" yet lol!
So I'm going to look into the idea of maybe a couple of days camping in the summer, and maybe going to a theme park with them or something, I don't really know, I have quite a lot of freedom to figure these things out so I'm sure something will come up. And I think it's the right decision, really. And I think that it also helps pay for the Blackberry that I just bought to replace the cheap Nokia that I just dropped in the bath :p

Looking back on April.....(And the 1st of May).........

A lot has happened this month. And a lot of that has happened during the Easter holidays. It feels like a lifetime since I was at work, although I know that once I am back there tomorrow it will feel as though I was never away. Time is funny like that. I said I wouldn't include Jessica's "friends" party in April as it was on the 1st of May, but I feel it fits in better with April so that's where I'm going to slot it.
We found out Jessica is allergic cats, need to update her nursery form with that one tomorrow. She is starting nursery with me tomorrow, so hopefully will put her good face on and all that hahahaha. We've had Jessica's birthday celebrations, which from start to finish were really great and really made a fab ending to the holidays. She pretended to be shy everytime she was sang Happy Birthday to, but by the third party she got the hang of opening presents, think she was rather bemused this afternoon to find no party waiting for her when she woke from her nap. She looked longingly at the empty bun stand this morning, think that will definitely be a prerequisite for any kind of gathering from now on. And my freezer and fridge, and kitchen worktops, are fully stocked and will feed us for the month!
I made my relationship with James "official", and bless his cotton socks, Adam said to me on the day of Jessica's garden party "Mummy, if you would only go out with somebody that me and Jessica liked, does that mean if James wanted to go out with you he would ask me first?" So, that was James heading off for a private conversation with Adam when he arrived on Sunday, and then me being summoned by Adam "Mummy, I've got to tell you a secret, come on!! James wants to ask you out!" And I was summarily told that he had given him permission, and really, I had to say yes. So, dutifully, I did. And there we have it, the children are happy, what more can I say.
We London adventured, house searched and organised (and now I really can't find where I put Adam's Beaver folder, hmm), toy shopped, and garden partied our way through April, and came out the other side a happy secure little family, surrounded by lots of fabulous friends and with many things to look forward to.
As for the April List?
We didn't play tiddlywinks, must work on that one. I did stay out extremely late, ill-advisedly on the eve of Jessica's garden party lol, but hey, fun was had by all and I don't regret it for a second. I sang in the shower, but I hope the neighbours didn't hear because my singing voice is truly bad, and not only did I jump in puddles, I splashed and ran and slipped in them whilst caught in a thunder storm on the way back to the hotel in London - Flipflops were worn, but are now considered to be inappropriate attire for rain due to the slippage factor whilst trying to run with a pram!
I think, I have been very spontaneous this month, and I don't care to limit it to Tuesdays, so there. Ha. I haven't attempted a world record, as far as I know, but maybe Adam might have with the amount of outfit changes he had at the party on Sunday.
And I tend to call or see my mum extremely often, especially with my washing machine being broken, so I think that's something that doesn't really need working on.
Oh, and be lovely. Well, obviously, that was easy ;)
Number 11 and 12, I worked on these, and I think I'm getting better at them. We'll see how it goes.

Here are some this month's best moments:

Adam has a cap, I want a cap

Plaits!!

Picking all the dandelions, whilst mummy had a well deserved cuppa

The instructions for THAT car.

The parts for THAT car.

And THAT smile, made THAT car, worth all the effort :)

London adventures :)

Jessica the cool London tourist

I just love this pic

Caught in a thunderstorm....get her out or take a pic? Hmmmm.

Return visit to the War Museum

EASTER!!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!

We went to see Isaac on the day of 'The Wedding' and gave him a truly British look

Jessica's present from Nana + Grandad

It's my birthday and aren't I cute :)

It's my cake, I will eat it how I like.

Yummy buns

3 on 1, yep, that's fair hahahaha

That's what you do, open the first pressie, it's a chair, sit in it to open the rest :)

I loved this month. It was fab. Enough said.

Just To Be Is The Best Of Times

This is how I feel right now. Sat at my laptop, coffee in hand, sun streaming in through the window, reading all Jessica's birthday messages and waiting for my sis to arrive.

I can't really explain it. I just feel at peace, at one, and happy. I feel settled, even though I am moving house in 5 weeks I no longer feel stressed. My house is tidy, my kitchen is covered in food which is what a kitchen is meant to look like in my family the day before a party. We have a habit of not being able to under-cater. I am going out today with my sis and her fella to look at tents and camping things, and buy charcoal and garden toys, and I feel like this is what my life is supposed to be like. No pretence, no being somebody I am not. Unfussed and fun and lots of good times with friends and family, an open house to the kid next door, and far too many people squeezed in my tiny kitchen. Tonight I am cinema bound with James and a couple of his friends (eek!), tomorrow we are Army-bound and then it's a fab afternoon in the garden (fingers cross for the good weather!) with lots of great people, and next week we are all back to work and school but Adam loves school and my work is fab and Jessica is coming with me, and then I have a joint birthday meal next week for two of my closest friends who are totally brilliant people and have given me lots of support in the past months despite all their own problems and busy lives.
Have faith, jump off into the blue. The waters are fine.

The story of a poor bloke who has yet to meet my family.........

I've not been blogging a lot recently. I think, I let it become a "thing", like when you have to do that thing, and I'd not write something that I wanted to write about because I was busy, so then when I had time to blog there'd be a build up of 2-3 things to do and I couldn't decide what to give room to and what to write, then I'd feel like I was letting people down because I hadn't written about signing up for the new house, or the oven breaking, or the washer breaking, or the cat sleeping on Jessica's bed half hour before we were setting off for London, or the London trip and all it's events including Adam meeting his old teacher, and everything I've done since coming back from London, and trying to clear all my stuff out, and planning two parties, and making my relationship with James "official" by putting it on facebook - which is apparently how things are known to be real these days :p And there's been loads of other little bits, and silly pics of the kids doing fun stuff, and little pockets of memories like today putting the Union Flag on Isaac's grave (apparently it's only a Union Jack if it's on a ship - learned that from Adam whilst in London!).
So, I then thought, wait a minute, this is my blog, my rules, time doesn't need to be chronological. I can write what I want when I want and go backwards and forwards and skip things and revisit things. I mustn't stop writing just because I feel I am doing it wrong. How can I do something wrong that is my own thing to make up???
So, today, it was Jessica's family party, and I will post photos of her when she's had both parties, because well, I can :D But the funniest part was, that I got quizzed about James. And everybody wanted to see a photo of James. And my mum's reaction to his profile pic on facebook? Priceless. "Oh bloody hell." Hehehe, apparently she thought he looked like a Hell's Angel. Bless. My eldest sister? "Muuummmm, you can't say that! Oh, he's got a beard." Yes. "Is he into all heavy metal stuff then?" Yes. "Does he ride a bike?" No. "But he likes heavy metal though?" Yes. "Oh, that's good, yeah he looks quite normal actually". My dad? "He looks like Nigel who comes in the pub." Right, that's handy. My other sister has already seen his picture because she's on my facebook, and she thinks he looks like Sully from Monsters Inc. My brother thinks he looks like a hillbilly. And him and my sister's boyfriend fell about laughing when I said that his family was from Wales and I'd not dare tell my dad that yet. The poor bloke, he doesn't understand the level of mick-taking he is in for. I think Justin is just happy it's somebody to steer away from his dodgy southern accent. My eldest sister was mainly concerned about his education and job prospects and union activity and whereabouts his parents lived. And she wasn't overly happy that I'm "in a relationship" on facebook before she's met him and that she's liable to be the last person from the family to meet him. So she's booked us for a Sunday when she finishes her exams. My brother and other sister are going to meet him on Sunday. Should be fun. Hmmmmm. He said he's not at all scared of meeting my family. I wonder if he will be once he's read this.
My family is funny and big and brilliant and I love being a part of it, it's who I am. Sometimes yes, we fall out and drive each other mad, but that's what being part of a family is all about. The song below, always takes me back to my childhood, we didn't go to Grandma's every weekend (although me and my sister next-up from me did stay there often), but we drove up to The Old Hill Inn most weekends with this music in the car, or sometimes drove up to Scotland for holidays in the middle of nowhere with a load of embroidery to do, and the nearest shop a half hours walk away and me and my sister would buy fizzy lemonade powder and eat half of it instead of making the drinks with it. And sometimes we'd all 4 go for walks and see who could be pushed in the most nettles. And when we were up at the pub we would just wander about, apparently once my eldest brother and sister went sledging and landed at the bottom of the hill looking like snowmen. I remember staying at the pub with my sister when it was my mum and dad's birthday but it was the holidays and my mum was working so we were up there for the week and my dad got really drunk and he was coming up the little narrow stairs going "shush, don't let the kids know I'm drunk" (well, that was the gist of what he was attempting to say anyway), and my sister and I were killing ourselves laughing in our bunkbeds. All random childhood memories that come to me when I listen to this song and make me smile.
So yes, it is important to me that my family gets on with James, but to be honest, I pretty much think they will. Fingers crossed.

Now, I'd best get all the house tidied up again, so that people can mess it up again on Sunday :D