Life Happens to the "Best" of Us

So one of my guilty secrets is that I watch Teen Mom on MTV. Only the original one, and mainly just because of one family in it; two of the others irritate  me and the fourth I'm just indifferent to although they can sometimes be sweet.

Maci, the teen mom with Bentley, I just really identify with. I mean by the time Adam was born, I wasn't even a teen mum. I was kind of in no-mans land, too old to be classed as a young mum but not old enough to really fit in as a "normal" age mum. All the mums at antenatal class were about 5-10 years older than me, and all the mums at the "young mums" group were younger than me (or had been when they had their kids). But still, to me, I was a young mum even though I wasn't still at school or anything. Maybe it was amplified by the fact I was single and not working by the time he was born, who knows, but it doesn't really matter how it's classified or viewed by others, it's just how it actually felt to me that matters.

On the teen mom blurb, Maci is classed as the clever one, over-achieving, bright future etc. Then she has Bentley, and they may not say this, but to me when she is starting to think about dropping out of college and wanting to be a stay at home mum, and have another baby, it's not because she is lazy, it's because she is an over-achiever and wants to be perfect and good, and if she can't do it in the way she was going to before she had Bentley, with a career etc, then one way she can do it is by having the perfect family for him, and being the perfect mum. I can identify with that. I think, reflecting on it, that is what I have tried to do. When I was at school I was in all the top sets, I didn't really like coursework so didn't massively crack on with it or even do much revising, but I still got Bs and Cs and began my A levels. When everything started going on in my personal life when I was doing my A levels, I left to get some control and just start over, but still I had goals and aims, and even whilst working in the library I remember sitting there working out a plan to do my A levels in the evening and go to Uni and have a career etc. Then I got pregnant, and everything changed, I guess I figured I had to work with what I was given and if I was going to be a mum then I was going to be a pretty damn excellent one.

I guess I have tried to be pretty much every type of mother there is, in my quest for perfection. I started off being a "stay at home mum", but didn't want to be seen as a "young mum on benefits" so went to college to gain education. I went into early years training as I love kids - I'd originally wanted to be a teacher at school, and figured it would be a good job for a mum if I could get an early years job in a school and have the holidays off etc. So this was my "college mum phase". I was at college/work experience, Adam was in day nursery and that worked for a while. It also gave me a chance to "be a teenager" and figure myself out a little, like all my friends had had the opportunity to do, but without neglecting Adam or being a bad mum because he was well cared for in day nursery and I was studying at college not just slacking off without him there. It was hard work, I remember when he used to get up at 2am until 4am every night for a month, then we would have to get up at 6am to get ready for college, and I'd be running down the road with him in the buggy, sometimes speed-walking all the way to Saltaire from Windhill because we'd missed the bus. And the time I sat in agony crying my eyes out because I had a tooth abscess but had to get my assignment in for the next day and couldn't have anymore time off or leeway as I'd used it all up when he was sick. Or the time he threw himself down the stone steps at the flat and I had to leave him at my mums for the day because I couldn't miss the child protection talk. And crying on my tutor because his day nursery was closing down and I couldn't find another I liked and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't easy, yet I look back on the time thinking it was one of the most fun times of my life, crazy huh. We used to have fun times, a lady on the bus used to give him books every week because she thought he was so good, and I left about 3 buggies on buses :/ Me and Heidi got matching buggies as we'd seen them on sale in Mothercare haha!! One time, I'd just picked Adam up from nursery, it was 6pm and dark as I'd been working late at the library, had all my files with me and all his nursery stuff, and halfway over the road his pram broke, just literally snapped down the sides. I was shattered and had no money for a taxi, and it was freezing, I just rung my mum crying and she came picked me up. One of many "last straw" days, but we made it through and I qualified :D

Then came my "Single mum working school hours" phase. I got a job in a nursery school, thinking it would be perfect as I could have the school holidays off with Adam, and found a great childminder for him. He started a school nursery too, and it was great. But then, he kept getting ill, and was so ill one week they tried him on 4 different antibiotics, and that's when he was diagnosed with kidney reflux. I was torn in half, felt guilty for being at work, felt guilty for not being at work, felt like I hardly saw him except for the holidays. I decided to look for another job where I didn't get the holidays off but worked different shifts/hours so could have a more "normal" life and do school drop-off, morning assemblies, have time off for his nativity and stuff.

So then I started my private day nursery job, this was my "full-time working single mum" phase. Typically for me, I ended up taking on more and more responsibility at work and becoming room leader. Adam would sometimes come to work after school so I could work over as I hated to say no if they needed somebody, or my parents would have him. I was taking work home, doing far too much. And then Paul and I decided to move in together and create the family environment that I wanted Adam to have. We started buying a house, and then Paul had his accident. So that was another thing to get through, another thing to feel I needed to "get right", making sure I was there for him and keeping everyone updated, still working, looking after Adam, making sure the house buying went through - scary stuff buying a house first time and I ended up doing it alone, thank goodness for my Dad helping me out. Doing all the packing and all that stuff, and dealing with the aftermath of an ofsted inspection at work. It was a pretty stressful time, but it was always a case of "well when Paul's better, when we've moved, when work is sorted" etc etc etc...........one day everything would be fine. But I think you need to realise that life will never be "fine", there's always something happening and you just have to learn to live at the same time, not wait for it to be over.

So we moved house, settled in, started my open uni course and started trying for a baby. Really wanted to create that proper family unit, and prove to people that I wasn't just a "young mum" and that I was still clever like at school. Was stressful, working full-time, looking after Adam, doing a Level 4 uni course, and being pregnant. But I guess I still felt I had a lot to prove. When Jessica was born, I tried to do everything right, which obviously didn't work out great as I'd done better with Adam when I'd just used my instincts, but hey we all learn these things over time. So that was my "2 working parents with career aspirations, 2 children, owned house" phase. After a while back at work though, I realised I wasn't focused on my job enough, and if I couldn't be perfect at it, well, I'd rather just be perfect at what I already had on my plate - a stay at home mum.

So began my "dad at work, mum at home with kids" phase. And it worked quite well, until our relationship broke down and I just realised I wasn't happy anymore with my life, and maybe I had rushed into it, wanting Adam to have a Dad and a family, and we had now grown apart. It's hard when there are children involved, if you're with somebody for 5-7 years it's hard enough to split up, but when there are children too you feel like "growing apart" is not a valid enough reason, until you realise that whilst you are so unhappy and ill, you really aren't being the best mum you can be, and that is not in the children's best interests at all. We were only 20 when we met, and he never knew me before I was pregnant, so maybe we should have seen it coming, but you never know anything until you try.

When Paul and I split up I went back to my "Single mum on benefits" phase, but with 2 kids this time and not quite as young, although still only twenties so not exactly old! But I didn't want to stay there, I just took a couple of months to lick my wounds and then decided to try out the "Single mum working school hours" phase again. I found a great job, with a lovely group of staff, albeit a bit far away. I had a few childcare issues as Jessica wasn't used to being away from me and was quite attached, but finally sorted it all out. But again, after a while, the usual guilt-trips set in, the days off for the children being sick, the missing certificate assemblies, the 2 hour bus journey with the toddler in the freezing cold, and then I started getting ill myself with all the worry and the rushing around. And I decided that enough was enough, people could label me however they wanted, but I was going to do the best for my children and myself, and if that meant having to be on benefits so I could be at home for them, then that's what was going to have to happen.

So now, I am once again a "single mum on benefits". And maybe, it's where I need to be right now. But I still feel myself trying to over-achieve, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly to plan, that Adam always has everything for school and goes on all the trips and cub camps, and that Jessica does enough activities during the week, and they eat good food, and I stay on budget and still afford them nice clothes and good shoes and trips to the cinema and they don't feel "poor". And I don't know why I'm bothered because when I was a kid I KNEW we were poor, I knew my clothes came from Margaret and Myra's jumble or Bevan's clothing bins, I knew we got given pasta and cheese from the next door neighbours when my Dad lost his job in the 80's, and I knew I didn't have the uniform with the logos on, and that we went to Butlins with the Salvation Army and Junior Soldier camp because we were given help from the fund. But I wasn't bothered one inch by it, I was happy, so why I think my kids will be bothered goodness only knows??? I never wanted for anything, and I had more My Little Pony's with proper play-sets than any kid in my class cos Bevan found a load in a clothing bin and gave them to me. By the time I was at the age where I would've been bothered, we weren't really poor anymore. And by the time my children get to that age, they'll be independent enough that I'll be out working again and we won't be poor anymore either. We're not poor on that scale anyway, welfare reforms have seen to that, and I am pretty awesome at living and eating well on a budget :D

I've rambled here and lost my point. The whole point of this is, I get Maci, I get her wanting to have another baby even though she was only 19, she didn't really mean it or think it was a good idea, but she wanted to "achieve" in the best way she could, as a mum, and felt like she needed to create the perfect family for Bentley to do that. She wasn't being naive or dumb or young - if she was doing that she would've gone on to have another baby. She was just trying to figure out a way to be herself, be the "best" at things like she used to be, in the situation she had been given.

These days, I still know I have to watch myself, that I need to relax and let Jessica just chill out and play with her toys and watch TV for a day if that's what she feels like doing, and hide under the kitchen table and cut her hair. And I need to let Adam play on the Wii for hours and not worry about it cos the next week he'll probably choose to play out every night after school so it all evens out if I just let it happen. And I am just letting it happen. I'm not staying at home this time because I'm playing a role, this time I know it's right for me and the children, and that it will be right when James moves in too, and when we get married, and if we choose to add to the family in the future, that it will be right if I just go with how we feel, rather than try to do it for a reason or at a certain time or in a certain way. It's still important to work with what you've been handed, and make the best out of it, but it's important to also make sure you find "yourself" whilst you're doing that. Sometimes, you just have to let life happen to you, and it turns out being the best thing you ever did.

The only perfect mum thing that I'm hanging on to and can't let go of, is that I promised Adam I would take him to Disneyland Paris one day, before he started upper school...............that one, I have to make happen somehow.

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide...............

It's been a while. Things have been happening. I've broken my camera which creates a problem as it means I can't share in the way I would like, I can't build on the pictures and talk through experiences. I'm trying to win the lottery to afford a new one but so far it's not happening..............
And then just when I was thinking of coming back, my laptop screen also got broke. Super duper this life.

It's so long since I've been on here that they've changed it. It says it's a clean easy to use interface. I find it rather cold, distant, unfriendly, uninviting. Not somewhere that makes me want to write about my life. I'm sure I'll get used to it, everything changes. Some things end. Somebody once said to me "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I can never decide whether or not they were wrong. If something bad is happening, then surely it's good when it ends. But is that still a good ending, because surely it not happening in the first place would've been better really? Can bad things ever go away, have an ending? Or do they remain always there, even when you think you have resolved all the issues.

It's Autumn now, one of my favourite times of year. I like it when the air gets colder and you can go for long crunchy walks and have space to think in your head without having to worry about sunburn or dehydration, or your nose and toes going blue and falling off. I have lots of things to look forward to at the moment. Adam is going on camp and moving up to Cubs. We have devised a system involving a mind-jar and a swing-ball set for future episodes of stress so as to prevent pouring any more money down the drain. Jessica is loving her new childcare arrangements and is talking a lot more since she sent her dummies to the babies in hospital via the dummy fairy. I'm somehow managing to keep the house tidy and sorted, keeping up with work and friends and have even done some Christmas shopping. Amazing huh.

One of the reasons I haven't written since the last post in August is because I have been working through something that is never going to be shared on here, and that I am still working on even now, even though really I thought it would be dealt with and over as soon as I got it out in the open. When you shut the door on something, and then re-open it a long time later to fix it, it's pretty damn hard to make it fit behind that door again. And this is supposed to be a positive space, and I am trying really hard. But sometimes I just want to get off the train and hide down a siding for a while. I was looking on YouTube for the perfect song to go with how I'm feeling. I couldn't find anything, just took a wander around and found all different memories from my past.
This is what I mainly listened to when I was 18/19 -

And this is what I find myself often listening to these days.

"Cos even when I'm a mess I still put on my vest with an S on my chest..." Bit of optimism there for you ;)

When you hide something, put it away, and then come back to it later, you can't just resolve it by telling the right people, having them hug you and apologise and move on. Instead it becomes part of you, something you carry with you, along with everything else. You feel better than when it was hidden, but you don't feel better than if it would never have happened in the first place. So then, you end up feeling angry all over again at the person who caused it. And that is not an easy problem to resolve. But I'm working on it. Partly I just need to stop reinventing myself, and let myself be the person I am, even if sometimes that reminds me of the past. By losing all of my past self, all I do is let the person win. And that can never be a good thing.

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

I have the internet back! Yippee!!!!!!!
Lots of things have happened, and I can't catch up on them all tonight, because, well, I am having a tv night, due to having a long week and being shattered.
But, there is something I would like to address. Somebody said to me yesterday, that they hate those "mum" statuses on facebook, where people go on about being unselfish mothers and not having their hair done and trading night outs for video nights in etc. Because it makes them feel like they're supposed to feel that way too, and are "wrong" for not doing. But it's not true. Here's a new one for you:

I'm a mum. I love spending time with my kids. But sometimes they do my head in. I love having family video nights in. But I love going out with my friends and talking about "grown-up" stuff. I love spending money on the kids. But I love having my hair done in peace and quiet and feeling like 'me' for an hour or so. I don't regret for one second having my children and I appreciate that I have children to get up with at 5am ever day. But I still sometimes wish I could have a lie-in and not have to snap into wide-awake super-mum mode within a minute of getting out of bed.

And that's that soap box moment over and done with for the week :p Of course I would never go out if my kids were sick, or I didn't have enough money for their food and clothes or heating to keep them warm. But that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it when they're not sick and I do have money. I will freely admit I am a totally excellent supermum, my kids are always nicely dressed and well fed and remember everything for school and nursery and always have spare clothes and wellies and trainers and tracksuits and pe kits and name labels and water bottles. They have stack loads of toys and garden toys and travel toys and dvds and books, yet they know the value of money and rarely whinge about what they can't have. I spend time with them, bake every sunday with them and take them to church. But, I still like having a break. I commit the ultimate single parent sin every week of NOT MISSING THEM when they are at their dad's. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie. Yes, I love them to pieces, but do you know what, I am shattered by Thursday and a 2 day/night break does me the world of good and means I am a better mum when they are back with me because I am not a total wreck. Plus I personally think it is important for them to have a strong relationship with their daddy, he's been there since before they were both born I think it'd be a lot worse for them if they didn't see him! So, for everybody else who feels like me, you are not a bad mum. You're human. And if anybody tells you otherwise, they're not really important in your life anyway. And if anybody thinks, after reading this, that I'm a bad mum, then they should come and live with me for a week and then tell me how bad a mum I am. Besides, Adam said I'm the bestest mummy in the world and Jessica gave me a kiss. And when it comes down to it, who else's opinion counts?

"I'm laughing at clouds, so dark up above....."

I have just seen this poster in a magazine. And it sums up what I have been trying to do these past few months. I want it for my new house, I am definitely ordering it as soon as I move in :)

"LIFE ISN'T
ABOUT
WAITING
FOR THE
STORM TO
PASS IT IS
ABOUT
LEARNING
TO DANCE
IN THE RAIN"

Last night I was tired so I went to bed. Meaning I woke up to a complete shambles of a house and no pack lunches made etc. Luckily the children slept in so I made them then got them up, dressed and straight out the door - Nana's for breakfast this morning. Last night I couldn't seem to get myself into gear. I thought that I would regret that today. But instead, I woke up in an optimistic "start-over" style mood. This evening, I have cleaned all the kitchen and done 3 lots of washing up. Made tea for me and the kids. Cleaned the living room, sorted out washing to send to their Dad's and my Mum's, and put all the clean laundry away. Cleaned all my bedroom, packed everything that I won't need before I move, sorted everything out I'm getting rid of, taken photos of things I can possibly sell, bagged up everything for charity, and vacuumed the carpet. I am pretty awesome, really.
I've rung the estate agent and confirmed my sign-up/move date, and found out the totally great news that workmen are in all this week sorting every single little problem out. I've made a list of house-moving things to do and sort, and done some already, and to be honest don't majorly feel that stressed, which is weird but there we go!! Although could do with boxes, if anyone has any going spare!!
I've also found a totally awesome wagon for the festival, and some ultra-cool ear defenders, so that is also on target :D
Jessica was ill this weekend, we had to take her to a&e Sunday morning at 6am. Bad timing, wouldn't recommend it, they're wading through all the paperwork from the Saturday night idiots. But anyway, it was ok, apart from being stood behind a bloke who'd had a sore throat for 4 weeks. And I caught the signs early enough that she is getting better already, rather than being in hospital for a week like she was last time. So as much as October was pretty tough, obviously something very important was learned and made use of.
Sometimes things are pretty tough, and somebody standing there saying "you've just got to make the best of it", makes you want to smack them over the head with a frying pan. But, when you calm down, it's kinda true. If you truly live through whatever is going on, not just exist and hope it passes, but truly live and experience it, then you do become a stronger and richer person, and life will never be able to make you feel that hopeless ever again. Take back your power and control over your life, don't let it control you. I'm not happier because I've changed who I am. I'm happier because I'm being who I am. And when you take control of a really rubbish situation, or moment, the feeling of achievement is ten thousand times higher than when you do it from an easy starting position. I would definitely recommend trying it.

The story of a poor bloke who has yet to meet my family.........

I've not been blogging a lot recently. I think, I let it become a "thing", like when you have to do that thing, and I'd not write something that I wanted to write about because I was busy, so then when I had time to blog there'd be a build up of 2-3 things to do and I couldn't decide what to give room to and what to write, then I'd feel like I was letting people down because I hadn't written about signing up for the new house, or the oven breaking, or the washer breaking, or the cat sleeping on Jessica's bed half hour before we were setting off for London, or the London trip and all it's events including Adam meeting his old teacher, and everything I've done since coming back from London, and trying to clear all my stuff out, and planning two parties, and making my relationship with James "official" by putting it on facebook - which is apparently how things are known to be real these days :p And there's been loads of other little bits, and silly pics of the kids doing fun stuff, and little pockets of memories like today putting the Union Flag on Isaac's grave (apparently it's only a Union Jack if it's on a ship - learned that from Adam whilst in London!).
So, I then thought, wait a minute, this is my blog, my rules, time doesn't need to be chronological. I can write what I want when I want and go backwards and forwards and skip things and revisit things. I mustn't stop writing just because I feel I am doing it wrong. How can I do something wrong that is my own thing to make up???
So, today, it was Jessica's family party, and I will post photos of her when she's had both parties, because well, I can :D But the funniest part was, that I got quizzed about James. And everybody wanted to see a photo of James. And my mum's reaction to his profile pic on facebook? Priceless. "Oh bloody hell." Hehehe, apparently she thought he looked like a Hell's Angel. Bless. My eldest sister? "Muuummmm, you can't say that! Oh, he's got a beard." Yes. "Is he into all heavy metal stuff then?" Yes. "Does he ride a bike?" No. "But he likes heavy metal though?" Yes. "Oh, that's good, yeah he looks quite normal actually". My dad? "He looks like Nigel who comes in the pub." Right, that's handy. My other sister has already seen his picture because she's on my facebook, and she thinks he looks like Sully from Monsters Inc. My brother thinks he looks like a hillbilly. And him and my sister's boyfriend fell about laughing when I said that his family was from Wales and I'd not dare tell my dad that yet. The poor bloke, he doesn't understand the level of mick-taking he is in for. I think Justin is just happy it's somebody to steer away from his dodgy southern accent. My eldest sister was mainly concerned about his education and job prospects and union activity and whereabouts his parents lived. And she wasn't overly happy that I'm "in a relationship" on facebook before she's met him and that she's liable to be the last person from the family to meet him. So she's booked us for a Sunday when she finishes her exams. My brother and other sister are going to meet him on Sunday. Should be fun. Hmmmmm. He said he's not at all scared of meeting my family. I wonder if he will be once he's read this.
My family is funny and big and brilliant and I love being a part of it, it's who I am. Sometimes yes, we fall out and drive each other mad, but that's what being part of a family is all about. The song below, always takes me back to my childhood, we didn't go to Grandma's every weekend (although me and my sister next-up from me did stay there often), but we drove up to The Old Hill Inn most weekends with this music in the car, or sometimes drove up to Scotland for holidays in the middle of nowhere with a load of embroidery to do, and the nearest shop a half hours walk away and me and my sister would buy fizzy lemonade powder and eat half of it instead of making the drinks with it. And sometimes we'd all 4 go for walks and see who could be pushed in the most nettles. And when we were up at the pub we would just wander about, apparently once my eldest brother and sister went sledging and landed at the bottom of the hill looking like snowmen. I remember staying at the pub with my sister when it was my mum and dad's birthday but it was the holidays and my mum was working so we were up there for the week and my dad got really drunk and he was coming up the little narrow stairs going "shush, don't let the kids know I'm drunk" (well, that was the gist of what he was attempting to say anyway), and my sister and I were killing ourselves laughing in our bunkbeds. All random childhood memories that come to me when I listen to this song and make me smile.
So yes, it is important to me that my family gets on with James, but to be honest, I pretty much think they will. Fingers crossed.

Now, I'd best get all the house tidied up again, so that people can mess it up again on Sunday :D

The Day Of Adventures.....

Today, I have crammed a years worth of adventures and mishaps into the short space of approximately 12 hours :D
And at one point, I was drowning in it all, but then I thought what, what am I doing?? Who else is going to sort all this out?? And as my lovely Louise Atkin said, this is what I am good at :D
So, I looked on google for ultimate feelgood songs, picked "Don't stop believing" by Journey (NOT the glee version, bleurgh sick-making), and danced in the kitchen whilst swinging on the worktops. And now I feel so much better ;)
I got up early this morning, took delivery of my new table and chairs for the garden (which now I need to find a new garden for......), then took delivery of my fruit + veg box, then took delivery of 4 giant children's maps - one of the world, one animals of the world, one of the solar system, and one of the ancient world. They are pretty awesome, but not putting them up now until we move. Then I took delivery of some bunting for Jessica's birthday party. Which is now also a house LEAVING party rather than house warming lol.
I ran around tidying my house for my volunteering mentor coming this aft, put Jessica back to bed because she was tired, then sent Adam with his friends mum to her house. Ran around did some more tidying, fought with some wasps for access to my washing line (and won, obviously), and built my table and chairs up. Questioning why bloody TESCO have to put 2 sticky labels on every chair that refuse to come off properly. Huh. Then I made Jessica's lunch, grabbed the Hello Kitty shorts that stupid H+M forgot to take the tag from, and speed-walked to Saltaire in 20 mins because my watch had stopped and I didn't realise so I only had 20 minutes to get there in. Looked around the house, phoned the estate agent to see what they were fixing, phoned my mum, and walked up to my old work to give Natalie Bithell the Hello Kitty shorts to get sorted at H+M for me cos she's lovely like that. Said hello to the gerbils at the nursery and got read a book about gerbils by two 4 yr olds who surprisingly remembered me, then took Jessica for a little walk around and had a nosey at the awesome new play area outside. Walked all the way back home, just in time to unlock the door before my volunteer mentor came. Had a chat and a drink and did paperwork, then gave Jessica a banana smoothie icelolly which apparently burnt her hand because she refused to hold it by the stick. Stood holding the lolly by the stick whilst Jessica sucked it, then gave her an ultimatum - hold it or lose it, and she decided to hold it herself. Went on the laptop and did a good/bad list about the house I'd viewed, then welcomed Adam back home from his friends. Tried to make tea, whilst Jessica sat on the side and 'helped', only to find out halfway through that the oven had broke, so instead of tuna fish pie with veg we had cheesy tuna mash with veg. Apparently it was the best tea Adam's had in ages, hey, who needs an oven??? Then I rung my sister for her opinion on what to do about moving house, then I changed Jessica's nappy 3 times in half an hour because she thought that would be a fun thing for me to do, and then everything exploded around me as the children ran around generally causing chaos and the oven timer bell kept ringing and my phone kept beeping with messages and the tv was playing some star wars thing and Adam was singing about "Dancing onto the floor all night oh yeah" and I was trying to decide where to live and how to fix the oven and what I need to buy and do for Jessica's birthday party, and when I could move house, and Adam was shouting "Mum she's pooed again!" and Jessica was laughing and stripping off, so I thought EVERYBODY STOP!!!!!!
And I took Jessica upstairs, put her pjs on, and put her to bed. Then I came downstairs, shut myself in the kitchen (Adam was happily watching Generator Rex, this was not neglect), and this is when I found myself playing "Don't Stop Believing" at top blast, and generally just deciding that actually, everything is going to be fine. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.
Because I said so. So there. And I text James Coleman and told him that everything was going to be fine, because I had decided it was so. Because I needed to share this decision. And he agreed with me, which was nice of him. And then, then I rang my mum and told her I am going to take the house tomorrow if it's still available. And when I asked what they were doing, my dad said "relaxing, that's what you do after a hard days work", and I, inwardly, laughed. Because, my dad is pretty much retired and only does a days work every now and again. And HAVE YOU SEEN how much I've DONE today?????? My mum laughed at him too, haha. And no, I'm not relaxing. I have too much to do. But, it's ok, because everything is going to be fine. What's the point of it not being?
Ah, and breath................................

Just a little something I made earlier.....

Ah. So today, I am a domestic goddess :) Well, apart from the cleaning bit haha!
This morning, I was supposed to be cleaning but I thought, nah, and watched tv for a bit before going out to meet a friend and do a bit of outdoor toy shopping. I have bought a phlat ball, some giant skittles, a giant "odd" ball, and a foam rocket shooter. And, that, my friends, is why the rain has come back. Sorry and all that.
So, I am back on target now. I have regained control over a couple of aspects of life (mainly the children's life) that were troubling me. And I dug out my copy of "Toddler Taming". Now, I have mixed thoughts about this book. I LOVE his older book, for 5-12 year olds. THAT is awesome. This one however, does trouble my sensibilities with lots of references to controlled crying and "the patented rope trick method" - involving, basically, roping the door so it only slightly opens, scary stuff :/
However, if I ignore all the stuff I don't like, it's not a bad book. It is very much into gentle guiding and diversion tactics, alongside passages explaining normal toddler behaviour and why it really doesn't matter, DO NOT PROD THE LION just tiptoe gently past ;p
So, having read a bit of the book the other night (before being interrupted by a toddler falling out of bed and therefore needing to sleep with me for the rest of the night, obviously), I reassessed my handling of the Jessica situation. It is not that I am a bad parent, or that she is a difficult child. It is simply that she is different to Adam, and I never quite expected it. She kind of blind-sided me. There I was, senior nursery practitioner, had a delightful 6 year old who had his moments but overall I figured I had done pretty well with despite him not being planned and me being only 20 and a single parent. So, a planned child, at 27, with 4 years nursery experience under my belt and a partner. No problems. Then, along came Jessica. Who is so different to Adam it is not even funny. She was clingy when he wasn't, yet settled in nursery far quicker than he ever did. She ate everything and anything, but now has suddenly stopped. She never played on her playmat, hated the door bouncer, kicked over the gym, and hardly entertained anything that even vaguely resembled a toy. She has tantrums that last 2 hours, whatever you do to try and stop them, and she never really knows what she wants anyway so you couldn't give in to her even if you wanted to. Except, of course, for the famous chocolate cake incident. When her delightful brother promised her chocolate cake if she came in the room.Only there was no chocolate cake. And a hurried look through Nana's cupboards revealed nothing she was willing to be pacified with. That tantrum was a long one, and a loud one, even my Dad was in shock. It has to be said, Adam has never repeated this "joke".
So, after reading my book, I have figured that really, I just need to go with it and not try to change her. She is beautiful and clever and extremely funny, and she is truly an individual. She just likes attention. She doesn't want to play with toys, or watch me do things. She wants to do things, with me or her brother she's not too fussy, unless she can tell she is being passed off onto her brother because Mummy is doing something that looks far more interesting. Tonight, I was making "cereal bars" (they look more like flapjacks to me but the recipe says they are cereal bars, so we'll agree to disagree, and it makes them sound as healthy as they surprisingly are). And she was stood next to me pulling on my legs and pointing at random things in the kitchen. Which, usually I would respond to by giving her the food she was pointing to or saying "no Jessica you can not have the kettle". But I realised I was being dumb, she just wanted attention. So, I sat her on the worktop and she helped me cook. She kept tipping the ingredients on the top rather than in the bowl, but we just scooped them up afterwards. And then, when it got to the part where I needed to use boiling sauce in a pan, because I had included her all this time, she was quite happy to go see Adam "just while Mummy does the hot burn part". Now, I'm not saying she is now all of a sudden placid. I had to blockade the kitchen door to stop her throwing milk all over my carpet, comb her hair whilst she laid down on her bed kicking and screaming at me, and put her nappy on whilst she performed various contortion acts with her body. But, I did it with a smile on my face. Because, that is normal for her. That is her normal behaviour. And she's probably going to be an extremely confident and strong-willed adult. And if I do my best to give her the attention she needs, and remember that she is not the same as toddler Adam, then really everything will be fine. It will be chaotic and loud and funny, but it will be fine. I am not doing anything wrong, it is just different. That is the problem I had, I think. Everybody kept telling me I was so good with Adam, that I felt like I had to be perfect with Jessica. And with everybody watching, how could I feel confident enough to change the approach that I had used with Adam? Now, I am confident enough to know it is not the approach that needs changing, just the tactics. The approach is still the same - love them for who they are and respect their right to a personality. It worked for Adam, it will work for Jessica.
Anyway, because SOMEBODY commented on my facebook in a surprised fashion that I could cook, I took pictures.

Jessica munching on a dried (non-sulphured!) apricot, aww doesn't she look cute :)

Yeah, I am cooking!!

20 minutes later :D

20 minutes later than that........:D And Adam's verdict? Mum I want one in my lunchbox EVERY DAY if we had enough money I would take them on Dragon's Den for you!! (I'm not sure he quite gets the concept of Dragon's Den.......)

As an afterthought, just whipped up a batch of oat and blueberry mini-muffins for a Sunday morning breakfast treat...

You know when you cut "flapjack" up and it crumbles, well, you just have to eat all the pieces that aren't really square, don't you?

So yes, today has been a good day. And I haven't done anything extraordinary, I've not taken them to a theme park or spent a shedload of money on an expensive climbing frame. But they've gone to bed happy, and life is good.

Actually, I'm in a sharing mood. Here are more pictures:

Jessica helping to load the washing machine - early training to prevent her flooding her house in the future AKA Rachel Saville.

Jessica learning to drink from a big girl cup, hence her being trapped in the kitchen away from the carpet........

Oh, and I bought a new book today. It is our new project. We are going to get a map of Britatin, and work our way through it. Magic :) And if you all tell me where you live, I shall come for free board and lodgings :D

Tonight, Give Yourself More Credit

Tonight, I have made a really yummy fish pie. Tonight, I have done laundry and folded clothes. Tonight, I have soothed a 2 hour tantrumming toddler who, to be fair, no longer knows which way is up. Tonight, I have had a discussion with a 7 year old about how you know which God to believe in and why there are so many to choose from and what if you choose the wrong one? Tonight, I have learned about the Chinese soldiers who thought they were immune to foreigners bullets and died, whilst their emperor stowed away in a wagon and left them to it. Tonight, I have learned the intricacies that surround a 7 year old's decision making processes, especially concerning what they think you want to hear. Tonight, I have written a letter to stop my 7 year old getting detention for not doing his homework, because he was too upset to do it for various reasons and "why do we have to get it every week anyway it's too much I'm too tired mummy to do work at school AND at home but I'm trying my best I really am" :( Tonight, I have looked up lots of ideas for outdoor play, to help him learn how to catch and kick so he doesn't get picked last for PE. Tonight, I have washed up the fish pie making pile. Tonight, I have done a budget and figured out how to afford all the outdoor toys. Tonight, I have packed lunches and book bags for tomorrow, and suitcases for daddy's house. Tonight, I have read a few friends problems with their families and children, and written replies to help them find solutions. Tonight, I have read the EYFS and tried to think of ideas for work. Tonight, I have made a difficult phone call and put my children first despite my own insecurities. Tonight, I have had a lot of coffee. Tomorrow, I could do with a break.

This post, is not negative. This post, is about how, when we really look at what we do, do you know what? We are bloody brilliant. I do a lot of things, every day, without even thinking about it. The list above is just since 5pm. I really should give myself more credit :D